Here’s how you fix the XFL:
1. No field goals. What the hell was extreme about Saturday’s games? You want to be bold, make a bold statement. You have to go for a touchdown. There’s no uprights, so don’t even look for them. And no punting inside the 35-yard-line. Play ball, for crying out loud.
**2. No kickoffs. ** I liked the scramble for the ball to decide possession at the beginning of the game. They should do that every time somebody scores. Then, the play means something. That scramble just decided who got the first kickoff. Whoopdie-doo. Again, this idea is extreme.
**3. A tackle is when somebody’s momentum is completely stopped. ** My brother came up with this concept. He said he saw some shows about the old days of football when the ball carrier had to be completely stopped by the defense, not just knocked on the ground. This would make it a football hybrid, perhaps, but it would be more interesting.
**4. Shorten the games. **Let’s face it. Football games are long. If you’re trying to reach an audience of young men and teens, you’re going to have to keep their attention. With the lower caliber of talent in the XFL, I think shorter games make a lot of sense. I’d say 12-minute quarters, with the clock running continuously until 5 minutes left in the halves.
5. Why the heck are these games on Saturday night? Again, you’re trying to reach an audience of young men. Put the games on Saturday afternoon, or early evening, when much of the target audience is at home.
**6. Get new announcers. ** Jesse Ventura and Jerry Lawler may be able to raise their voice to sound like they’re saying something, but they don’t know what the hell is going on in the game. You need professional analysts who’ll give you insight into the games. Otherwise, all you’ve got is a bunch of sideshow stuff going on, and football, whether extreme or not, is secondary.
**7. Keep some of the gimmickry. ** I’d keep the mikes and cameras on the field. They seem to get you closer to the action. But, if you’re going to interview players, ask poignant questions when the players are available to answer them. Otherwise, you’re just interrupting the flow of the game and adding nothing to the value of the telecast.
**8. Halftime sucks. Spice it up. ** Instead of looking inside the locker room for the entire half, show a wrestling match at the half between premier WWF wrestlers. Your audience will prefer to see this. If something interesting was said in the locker room, show it after the half ends.
Wow, did I just spend that much effort analyzing the XFL?