# Y.A.R.N., anyone? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 23, 1999, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552 "1999-09-23T15:42:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/1 "1999-09-23T15:42:00Z")
Hi there! This is a game that I remember from my childhood; I’ve seen it brought back to life in [mplayer.com](http://mplayer.com) as Y.A.R.N. (Hell, it’s probably even been played on the SDMB before) . Once upon a time… There was an old farmer. Everyday he toiled in the fields, trying to make enough to feed his family and pay the taxman. It seemed that nothing would ever change, until, one day, a stranger aproached… What happens next? You tell me. I respectfully request that all submissions be kept to about a paragraph or less. No need for chapters. * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing. ---
**Author:** ![Yankee\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/7ea924/32.png) [@Yankee\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yankee_Blue)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/2 "1999-09-23T15:49:00Z")
The stranger wore particolored slippers, a patchwork coat, and trousers that were obvioulsy intended for a much larger man. “Good day to you, Farmer Gulph,” he said with a radiant smile, “for a seat at your table tonight, and a plate of dinner, I shall be glad to share with you my secrets for wealth.” ---
**Author:** ![kellibelli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e480ec/32.png) [@kellibelli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellibelli)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/3 "1999-09-23T15:58:00Z")
“I dont trust you said the farmer…I will give you something to eat, meager as it may be, it is all we have, and you may sit in the barn with the goats to eat.” At that moment, Mrs Farmer Gulph hollered out the window: “C’mon in h’yere and see what I found!” ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/4 "1999-09-23T16:14:00Z")
“Hessian gold!” shouted Farmer Gulph. “Hidden under the kitchen floorboards for all these years!” Missus Framer Gulph twisted her dishtowel in consternation. The stranger’s eyes glowed, and a sinister smile played about his lips. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 1999, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/5 "1999-09-24T05:12:00Z")
Farmer Gulph picked his nose with frustration: _What could this mean? Will my backward cousin Giuseppe show up and demand half? How will this affect my gastrointestinal tract?_ Interrupting the farmer’s reverie the stranger said, “Could be Hessian gold - could be fool’s gold. All depends on how you treat me this fine autumn day!” * * * Most common question I ask: “What?” Most common question I get: “Are you really hearing impaired?” ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/6 "1999-09-23T18:05:00Z")
Mrs. Gulph sensed her husband’s distress. “Zeke, it looks like you could use a glass of lemonade.” At this, the stranger said, “Do you mind if I have a glass? It’s time for my ‘medicine’.” He took a small silver flask from his coat. The farmer and his wife looked at each other. “The demon rum!” they whispered in unison. ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/7 "1999-09-23T18:21:00Z")
Taking the flask, he watched it shine in the light of the strong sun shining through the window. “Demons,” the stranger laughed. “My fine friends, you don’t know demons like I do.” He proceeded to unscrew the cap and, with a glint in his eye, down a substantial amount. The farmer and his wife looked horrifyingly on as a droplet of the nectar bubbled down his stubbled chin. * * * Yer pal, Satan ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Thin\_Skin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d78d45/32.png) [@Mr\_Thin\_Skin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Thin_Skin)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/8 "1999-09-23T18:37:00Z")
Just then Parson Thomas walked in. The stranger spun around, and said “Oh, hi John how are you?” Parson Thomas then returned “Good to see you Henry.” Mrs Gulph sighed, and fetched four glasses of lemonade. The four then sat down at the table and stared at the gold arrayed in front of them. ---
**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/9 "1999-09-23T18:47:00Z")
The gold on the table was very appealing to Farmer Gulph. He knew it was real by the greedy glint in his wife’s skinflint eyes. She could spot a penny in a gutter on the roof of a house, he thought. Then as the Eldritch horrors of greed came upon the group, he knew what he would have to do next. His wife was completely unaware of the arising situation. ---
**Author:** ![beefymeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@beefymeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beefymeg)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/10 "1999-09-23T19:27:00Z")
“Hey!” she exclaimed, “We could melt all this here down and make some real purty potpourri angel wreaths for the craft fair next week!” The three men stared at her, in shock. Henry grabbed her bony wrist and twisted. “You’ll do no such thing.” ---
**Author:** ![kellibelli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e480ec/32.png) [@kellibelli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellibelli)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/11 "1999-09-23T19:39:00Z")
Zeke jumped to his feet , “you take your damn hands off my wife!” The parson choked on his lemonade…“Zeke, now see here…there is no need for profanity!” Beulah(Mrs farmergulph), snorted, “Aw, kiss my ass!” And she belted the stranger named henry with the cast iron frying pan.He fell to the floor, dead. Zeke and Beulah turned to the parson… ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/12 "1999-09-23T19:44:00Z")
Parson Thomas mopped the sweat that had suddenly sprung up upon his low brow, and shook out the bright red cottom bandanna. “Missus Gulph,” he said, go and get four of your largest, sharpest kitchen knives." He looked down at the corpse, blinking and licking his lips nervously. ---
**Author:** ![beefymeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@beefymeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beefymeg)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/13 "1999-09-23T19:46:00Z")
and offered him another glass of lemonade, since his had been spilled in the fracas. “Now, see here,” said Zeke, “Ain’t no reason to spoil a beautiful afternoon, just because some rainbow-wearin’ stranger crawls up on my porch and dies. The way I look at it…” Zeke stopped short. The pastor was staring off into the distance, a look of sheer terror in his eyes. Beulah stood up. "What’s that horrible… ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/14 "1999-09-23T19:47:00Z")
Beulah, holding the frying pan at the ready, said, “You ain’t plannin’ on talkin’ to nobody about this, are you parson?” The parson, knees quivering, cringed and replied that he had not the least notion of ever divulging the least part of what he had (or had not) seen here today, that he was entirely unacquainted with any strangers named Henry, and that he didn’t recall even visiting the Gulph farm at all today. ## Then he bolted for the door and cleared two fences, the pig sty and a small Holstein without missing a stride. “non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem” – William of Ockham ---
**Author:** ![beefymeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@beefymeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beefymeg)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/15 "1999-09-23T19:47:00Z")
\ ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/16 "1999-09-23T19:49:00Z")
I _knew_ that was gonna happen when I tried it!!! ## (pluto takes frying pan to self and goes with beefymeg’s version] “non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem” – William of Ockham ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/17 "1999-09-23T19:50:00Z")
“…horrible smell?” ## The parson grinned sheepishly and excused himself. “non sunt multiplicanda entia praeter necessitatem” – William of Ockham ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/18 "1999-09-23T19:51:00Z")
[NOW what, Sealemon? Three simultaneous posts! Pat yourself on the back for starting such a popular thread.] ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/19 "1999-09-23T19:52:00Z")
[make that seven.] ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 1999, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552/20 "1999-09-23T20:14:00Z")
Mrs. Gulph blinked, and slowly looked around. Everybody else had the same dazed look in their eyes. She noticed the gold was still on the table, but some of it _might_ be missing. She peered closly at everybody else, and said “All right! Who the fuck spiked the lemonade?” ## ( _how’s that, Ukulele Ike?_ ) You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-a-r-n-anyone/16552.md?page=2)