# Y’know what? Why don’t you take that fifty dollar bill and shove it up your ass? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 15, 2011, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974 "2011-05-15T11:05:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Kolak\_of\_Twilo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kolak_of_twilo/32/73_2.png) [@Kolak\_of\_Twilo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolak_of_Twilo)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/1 "2011-05-15T11:05:35Z")
Let me explain something to your dumb ass - when you walk into a busy restaurant on a Saturday night without a reservation and ask for a table, if I tell you there is a wait it isn’t because I’m waiting for you to wave money in my face. It’s because – (get ready for this) – \*\*I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING TABLES AVAILABLE. \*\* It isn’t because I’m on a power trip. It isn’t because I’m being mean to you and the gargoyle you have on your arm. **And it sure as shit isn’t because I’m trying to get money out of you.** I get paid a hell of a lot more than you think if you believe I would be willing to risk my job for fifty measly bucks. Also, asking to speak to Francisco won’t do you any good. He isn’t here anymore. **AND** , when he was here, I was his boss so he couldn’t overrule me anyway. BTW, his name is Federico, and he actually hates you more than I ever will because you never got his name right. To you I’m just _“The Gay Guy with the Beard”._ Fucking bigot. Here’s the deal: • I actually feel obligated to accommodate people who have called ahead and made a reservation. • I’ve been doing this job long enough and am good enough at it that if I tell you the wait without a reservation is 90 minutes, guess what? _ **It probably will be 90 minutes.** _ • My objective every night is to keep the restaurant as full as possible. Full = $$$. Being able to PLAN is crucial to making as much $$$ as possible. And, (surprise) the more the money the **owner** makes, the more money **I** make. So trying to bribe your way ahead of everyone else just makes you look like a bigger shit than you can imagine. And when I make it clear the bribe isn’t working, repeating “C’mon, it’s the American way, it’s the American way” over and over just makes me sad. I mean really? You actually think bribery is an American virtue? Clearly you’re a bigger moron than those hair plugs make you look like. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/2 "2011-05-15T11:36:50Z")
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But serious question: Do you not have reservation no-shows at your restaurant? Maybe he was hoping that he’d get first available no-show. And how do concierges at swanky hotels manage to secure last-minute reservations? ---
**Author:** ![Capitaine\_Zombie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@Capitaine\_Zombie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capitaine_Zombie)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/3 "2011-05-15T11:50:11Z")
> [@Kolak\_of\_Twilo](#): > > To you I’m just _“The Gay Guy with the Beard”._ He met your wife? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/4 "2011-05-15T12:41:51Z")
That guy sounds like a major asshole. Did he eventually wait around for his table. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/5 "2011-05-15T14:11:08Z")
What if I sweeten the deal with this crisp new $5 bill? What then? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/6 "2011-05-15T14:14:35Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Yeah, yeah, yeah. But serious question: Do you not have reservation no-shows at your restaurant? Maybe he was hoping that he’d get first available no-show. > > And how do concierges at swanky hotels manage to secure last-minute reservations? _Do_ concierges at swanky hotels do that? Or do they really only do that in movies and sitcoms? Serious question. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/7 "2011-05-15T14:18:29Z")
Up my ass, eh? _\_ Fine. Whatever it takes to get us a table. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/8 "2011-05-15T14:21:00Z")
Sure, _he_ was an asshole… but if I slip you a ten spot you can get me a booth right? ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/9 "2011-05-15T14:25:02Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > _Do_ concierges at swanky hotels do that? Or do they really only do that in movies and sitcoms? > > Serious question. In my city they do. It’s a tourist town, and it’s far more sensible for the maitre de to stay on the good side of the Hilton’s 40+ year concierge than of the dude in town once for a conference. That’s often the difference between “slammed on the weekend /dead Tuesday through Thursday” and a really successful restaurant. In larger cities, the concierge may have less clout. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/10 "2011-05-15T14:31:28Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > _Do_ concierges at swanky hotels do that? Or do they really only do that in movies and sitcoms? > > Serious question. When we stayed at the Four Seasons in Boston, the concierge was able to get us two decent tickets for “Rent” and dinner reservations at one of the nicer restaurants in town, all in about 24 hours notice. Of course, that was ten years ago and things may have changed. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/11 "2011-05-15T14:37:11Z")
The tickets may be a matter of knowing the scalpers or the sales locations which reserve a % for last-minute sales; the reservations, “Joe! Open the small room!” ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/12 "2011-05-15T14:43:00Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > _Do_ concierges at swanky hotels do that? Or do they really only do that in movies and sitcoms? > > Serious question. Yeah, they really do. Here’s a [Today show clip](http://www.clicker.com/tv/today-show/learn-the-secrets-of-luxury-hotel-concierges-1597807/)where one of their reporters was challenged to do the same, starting at about 1:55. She failed. The concierge (Michael Fazio) did it. It’s all about connections and personal relationships with a generous side of schmooze. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/13 "2011-05-15T14:43:02Z")
I agree with you but it happens everywhere. Some people are assholes. They fell that they are entitled to more than other people. They feel that thier needs, wants and desires are more important than others. They have an inflated sense of self-worth. They treat people like shit. They think they can buy people with money. I do, however, think tat if this guy was a major celebrity he owuld have gotten a table. Right? ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/14 "2011-05-15T14:51:07Z")
More proof, like we needed any, that money doesn’t buy class. ---
**Author:** ![Gukumatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/74df32/32.png) [@Gukumatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gukumatz)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/15 "2011-05-15T14:57:33Z")
I absolutely hate it when people try to bypass the queues in social settings where I’m expected to be polite and customer friendly. Chivvying, name-dropping, even outright bribes make you _less_ likely to get service, not more. (And if you’re friends with the director, you could bet your ass she’d have made me aware of the fact or would have welcomed you herself.) Speaking as a hotel receptionist in a country where concierges are almost non-existant and restaurant bookings and recommendations are usually handled by the desk staff, we _do_ have a lot of connections. We’re not the almighty holders of the Golden Keys like in France, but we can on occasion do the impossible. This is mostly because we send a **lot** of traffic to restaurants, especially outside the tourist season, and accomodating hotels means the hotels will remember you as helpful. (Some hotels even keep statistics.) A lot of restaurants and nightclubs also invite reception staff to free dinners or drinks to showcase the place. And that’s notwithstanding all the social networking between leaders and workers in the different jobs on seminars and fairs, where you usually leave with enough calling cards to start your own phone directory. ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/16 "2011-05-15T14:59:23Z")
Awesome rant, dude. What a tool. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/17 "2011-05-15T15:12:21Z")
> [@Gukumatz](#): > > This is mostly because we send a **lot** of traffic to restaurants, especially outside the tourist season, and accomodating hotels means the hotels will remember you as helpful. (Some hotels even keep statistics.) Exactly. And if I’m the hostess, I’m going to be willing to piss off someone with a reservation by giving their table to your guest, because I know you’ll send me another dozen tables this month. I’m going to pick a name I don’t know off the reservation list (ie, not a repeat customer) and assume that I may lose their potential repeat business in favor of your more sure repeat business. But I’m not going to do that for Mr. $50 Asshole. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/18 "2011-05-15T15:42:10Z")
Excellent rant. I assume he was trying to impress his date and was embarrassed at failing. It’s also likely that he really did think a $50 tip would make it happen. Which is all understandable. What I can’t take is the argument after finding out he was mistaken. Question, would the $50 buy the first available no show, providing the guy was decent about it? I know once someone is labeled arrogant ass, I’m a lot less likely to help. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/19 "2011-05-15T15:52:39Z")
I’ll bet the guy was the invisible diner, who noted your attitude. Hopefully he’ll spell your name correctly in his review. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/20 "2011-05-15T15:56:03Z")
He’s probably used to it working 99% of the time. Because it does. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974.md?page=2)