# Y’know what? Why don’t you take that fifty dollar bill and shove it up your ass? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 15, 2011, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974 "2011-05-15T11:05:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/41 "2011-05-15T23:24:07Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > How much more than $50 does it take to establish a relationship? 😉 A concierge is like a human Groupon, only without the discounts. Also, if you ask a concierge for reservations at a specific restaurant, your answer is probably going to be “I’ll see what I can do.” You may wind up with reservations at another, comparable restaurant. ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/42 "2011-05-15T23:30:28Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > How much more than $50 does it take to establish a relationship? 😉 See next quote: > [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Up my ass, eh? _\_ > > Fine. Whatever it takes to get us a table. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/43 "2011-05-16T02:51:58Z")
> [@Kolak\_of\_Twilo](#): > > Oh no, that’s not neccesary. Why don’t you let me buy you a drink at the bar and I’ll get something for you as quickly as possible, ok? Perfect! Get me something with a little umbrella, OK? Or maybe one of those plastic swords… Seriously, I hear you. I was just wolfin’ you a bit. In my profession I get a similar asshole. Rant on, baby, rant on. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/44 "2011-05-16T05:53:51Z")
Huh. Around here, it’s illegal to comp alcohol. I’ve had problems at restaurants now and then, and the manager has come around and told me that the entire meal was on him, except for my beer, because he’s not legally allowed to do that. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/45 "2011-05-16T06:40:05Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Exactly. And if I’m the hostess, I’m going to be willing to piss off someone with a reservation by giving their table to your guest, because I know you’ll send me another dozen tables this month. I’m going to pick a name I don’t know off the reservation list (ie, not a repeat customer) and assume that I may lose their potential repeat business in favor of your more sure repeat business. But I’m not going to do that for Mr. $50 Asshole. … so we’ve established what you _are_, now we are just haggling about the price. I kid, I kid. The parallel stood out to me and I couldn’t resist. ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/46 "2011-05-16T11:52:28Z")
> [@Kolak\_of\_Twilo](#): > > I never accept money from customers up front, but honestly if someone wants to slip me a tip on the way out because they are appreciative of something I did for them, then I am happy to accept it. But I don’t ever base what I do for a customer on the expectation of getting a gratuity. I hope you understand the distinction. Ahhhhh! So if you get me a table now, Pres. Grant will be veeeeeery appreciative at the end of the night. KnowhatImean? \ It’s all in the timing. 😃 Remember: Its not a bride, you’re just doing a favor for a former president! ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/47 "2011-05-16T13:43:05Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > … so we’ve established what you _are_, now we are just haggling about the price. > > I kid, I kid. The parallel stood out to me and I couldn’t resist. LOL. Exactly! That same joke popped into my head, as well. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/48 "2011-05-16T14:31:27Z")
**Kolak** , you handled the situation all wrong. You should have taken the money, then shouted “Cartwright!” I saw it on a documentary once. About the thing with there being absolutely no tables available – I’ve had that happen twice. Not a single one open, and an hour’s wait. In both cases we ended up getting tables in what amounted to be private rooms. And we’re not talking the kitchen or restroom. They were nice rooms, but were not in the dining room proper. It turns out that really disappointed faces go a long more way than $50. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/49 "2011-05-16T14:45:11Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > How much more than $50 does it take to establish a relationship? 😉 I don’t know about concierges, but the one time that my family all chose the same restaurant without meaning to (leading to “Joe, open the small room!”) there were about 70 of us. The small room was rated for 65 but hey, since all of us were family, there would not be any complaints about having to arrange seating order by “highest likelihood to need the bathroom”, pass the plates overhead and occasionally say “those ribs happen to be mine, please retrieve your elbow”. The big room in that restaurant sat about 100, if I remember correctly (it’s closed now, sadly; I loved going there); more if arranged banquet-style. ---
**Author:** ![HookerChemical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@HookerChemical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HookerChemical)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/50 "2011-05-16T16:41:02Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > _Do_ concierges at swanky hotels do that? Or do they really only do that in movies and sitcoms? > > Serious question. Answered already, but I’ll confirm again. My wife and I have had the hotel concierge of B&B inkeepers book reservations for us a few times. It doesn’t have to be a high end place either. We tend to stay in good-but-not-great places. A great B&B in Monterey went so far as to book a nice seafood place to get a table with a view of the bay and have custom menus printed for our anniversary. It was above and beyond what we ever expected. As for the OP, great rant and well played. ---
**Author:** ![Shamozzle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shamozzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shamozzle)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/51 "2011-05-16T20:29:19Z")
To the OP: I spent many years in the biz and we used to get that stuff constantly. The restaurant would have a completely open floor plan, with all tables clearly visible from the entrance. You just want to scream in their face: “Look around, you douchebag. Do you SEE any open tables? Do You? DO YOU??? So, unless you want to eat in the bathroom, or you brought some lumber, nails, and a hammer, you are going to have to wait. WE. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. TABLES. Sit down, shut up, and wait, or, GTFO.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/52 "2011-05-16T20:58:04Z")
I would ask which table he would like me to unseat. And I’d make him explain that himself to the table. Then for more fun, just as their entrees arrive, kick them out because “These nice people slipped me $51 for the table.” ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/53 "2011-05-16T21:17:42Z")
> [@Shamozzle](#): > > To the OP: > > I spent many years in the biz and we used to get that stuff constantly. The restaurant would have a completely open floor plan, with all tables clearly visible from the entrance. You just want to scream in their face: > > “Look around, you douchebag. Do you SEE any open tables? Do You? DO YOU??? So, unless you want to eat in the bathroom, or you brought some lumber, nails, and a hammer, you are going to have to wait. WE. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. TABLES. Sit down, shut up, and wait, or, GTFO.” I bet you’d find a table for [Henry Hill](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCYwcObxl78#t=1m25s). ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/54 "2011-05-16T22:01:25Z")
> [@Kolak\_of\_Twilo](#): > > So trying to bribe your way ahead of everyone else just makes you look like a bigger shit than you can imagine. And when I make it clear the bribe isn’t working, repeating “C’mon, it’s the American way, it’s the American way” over and over just makes me sad. I mean really? You actually think bribery is an American virtue? I’d put the blame on your fellow maitres d’hotel who happily accept bribes. ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/55 "2011-05-16T22:36:39Z")
> [@Kolak\_of\_Twilo](#): > > there literally weren’t any empty tables at the time. So, how about $70 ? You’re embarrassing me in front of my date. Anyway [here’s a guy who didn’t have to wait for his table](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ah1FbPVsXkI) . (Captioned for your friend Francisco, or whatever his name is.) ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/56 "2011-05-16T23:54:27Z")
Pfff, $50? I slip the host $50,000. I always get a table right away. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2011, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/57 "2011-05-17T00:00:58Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > Pfff, $50? I slip the host $50,000. I always get a table right away. There you go! NOW you’ve found my price! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2011, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/58 "2011-05-17T00:08:11Z")
Well sure but for a cut of that kind of money I’d volunteer to leave my table. Not for $50 though. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2011, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/59 "2011-05-17T01:36:56Z")
So my aunt and her $1 from 1938 is going to be really impressive, right? ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2011, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974/60 "2011-05-17T02:43:01Z")
Oh dear lord, I’m so sorry, OP. You apparently had the displeasure of meeting my former boss. He is a complete douche bag in every possible way, but he raises the bar when it comes to expectations about restaurant reservations. He fancies himself so utterly important, that he demanded that if a restaurant told me they were booked, I had to ask them, and I quote, “Do you know who he is?” And let me assure you as a 100% fact, he’s a Big Fat Nobody. I never, ever, ever employed the use of that phrase, but every time I wasn’t able to secure a reservation for him, he’d want to know if I had asked if they knew who he was. Sorry, dude, your name didn’t ring any bells. But I always lied and said yes, of course I asked, and it was all I could do to stop myself from continuing with, “and not only don’t they know who you are, they don’t _care_.” I was better at getting him reservations based on who _I_ was than on who _he_ was! I also found that I often had better luck getting him into popular restaurants (and trust me, he didn’t go anywhere that wasn’t on the most chi-chi list) using [opentable.com](http://opentable.com) than with phone calls, and he _hated_ that. He wanted me to _call_, as if these people weren’t busy enough. So even when I secured the exact reservation he asked for, and put all of his specific requests into the “special requests” field, I _still_ had to phone the restaurant and make sure they understood that FIRST NAME LAST NAME WAS COMING IN! I guess he expected them to roll out a red carpet or something. :rolleyes: On one occasion when he was going to D.C., he was looking for a restaurant in a certain area, and I found one that I thought would be up to his standards. When I suggested it, he laughed and said there was no way I’d be able to get him a reservation there, no matter how hard I begged, then told me he’d give me $50 (what is it with $50 with these schmoes?) if I could get him in. I got him in. Not only did he not keep the reservation, but he refused to pay me the $50. Asshole. So on behalf of all the people like me out there, thank you for turning him away at the door. These guys need a lesson in “you’re not as important as you think you are,” and I’m exceedingly glad to know that at least one of them got it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/y-know-what-why-don-t-you-take-that-fifty-dollar-bill-and-shove-it-up-your-ass/581974.md?page=4)