A concierge is like a human Groupon, only without the discounts. Also, if you ask a concierge for reservations at a specific restaurant, your answer is probably going to be “I’ll see what I can do.” You may wind up with reservations at another, comparable restaurant.
See next quote:
Perfect! Get me something with a little umbrella, OK? Or maybe one of those plastic swords…
Seriously, I hear you. I was just wolfin’ you a bit. In my profession I get a similar asshole. Rant on, baby, rant on.
Huh. Around here, it’s illegal to comp alcohol. I’ve had problems at restaurants now and then, and the manager has come around and told me that the entire meal was on him, except for my beer, because he’s not legally allowed to do that.
… so we’ve established what you are, now we are just haggling about the price.
I kid, I kid. The parallel stood out to me and I couldn’t resist.
Ahhhhh! So if you get me a table now, Pres. Grant will be veeeeeery appreciative at the end of the night. KnowhatImean? <nudge, nudge, wink, wink>
It’s all in the timing.
Remember: Its not a bride, you’re just doing a favor for a former president!
LOL. Exactly! That same joke popped into my head, as well.
Kolak, you handled the situation all wrong. You should have taken the money, then shouted “Cartwright!” I saw it on a documentary once.
About the thing with there being absolutely no tables available – I’ve had that happen twice. Not a single one open, and an hour’s wait. In both cases we ended up getting tables in what amounted to be private rooms. And we’re not talking the kitchen or restroom. They were nice rooms, but were not in the dining room proper. It turns out that really disappointed faces go a long more way than $50.
I don’t know about concierges, but the one time that my family all chose the same restaurant without meaning to (leading to “Joe, open the small room!”) there were about 70 of us. The small room was rated for 65 but hey, since all of us were family, there would not be any complaints about having to arrange seating order by “highest likelihood to need the bathroom”, pass the plates overhead and occasionally say “those ribs happen to be mine, please retrieve your elbow”. The big room in that restaurant sat about 100, if I remember correctly (it’s closed now, sadly; I loved going there); more if arranged banquet-style.
Answered already, but I’ll confirm again. My wife and I have had the hotel concierge of B&B inkeepers book reservations for us a few times. It doesn’t have to be a high end place either. We tend to stay in good-but-not-great places. A great B&B in Monterey went so far as to book a nice seafood place to get a table with a view of the bay and have custom menus printed for our anniversary. It was above and beyond what we ever expected.
As for the OP, great rant and well played.
To the OP:
I spent many years in the biz and we used to get that stuff constantly. The restaurant would have a completely open floor plan, with all tables clearly visible from the entrance. You just want to scream in their face:
“Look around, you douchebag. Do you SEE any open tables? Do You? DO YOU??? So, unless you want to eat in the bathroom, or you brought some lumber, nails, and a hammer, you are going to have to wait. WE. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. TABLES. Sit down, shut up, and wait, or, GTFO.”
I would ask which table he would like me to unseat. And I’d make him explain that himself to the table.
Then for more fun, just as their entrees arrive, kick them out because “These nice people slipped me $51 for the table.”
I’d put the blame on your fellow maitres d’hotel who happily accept bribes.
So, how about $70 ? You’re embarrassing me in front of my date.
Anyway here’s a guy who didn’t have to wait for his table .
(Captioned for your friend Francisco, or whatever his name is.)
Pfff, $50? I slip the host $50,000. I always get a table right away.
There you go! NOW you’ve found my price! 
Well sure but for a cut of that kind of money I’d volunteer to leave my table. Not for $50 though.
So my aunt and her $1 from 1938 is going to be really impressive, right?
Oh dear lord, I’m so sorry, OP. You apparently had the displeasure of meeting my former boss. He is a complete douche bag in every possible way, but he raises the bar when it comes to expectations about restaurant reservations. He fancies himself so utterly important, that he demanded that if a restaurant told me they were booked, I had to ask them, and I quote, “Do you know who he is?”
And let me assure you as a 100% fact, he’s a Big Fat Nobody.
I never, ever, ever employed the use of that phrase, but every time I wasn’t able to secure a reservation for him, he’d want to know if I had asked if they knew who he was. Sorry, dude, your name didn’t ring any bells. But I always lied and said yes, of course I asked, and it was all I could do to stop myself from continuing with, “and not only don’t they know who you are, they don’t care.”
I was better at getting him reservations based on who I was than on who he was!
I also found that I often had better luck getting him into popular restaurants (and trust me, he didn’t go anywhere that wasn’t on the most chi-chi list) using opentable.com than with phone calls, and he hated that. He wanted me to call, as if these people weren’t busy enough. So even when I secured the exact reservation he asked for, and put all of his specific requests into the “special requests” field, I still had to phone the restaurant and make sure they understood that FIRST NAME LAST NAME WAS COMING IN! I guess he expected them to roll out a red carpet or something. :rolleyes:
On one occasion when he was going to D.C., he was looking for a restaurant in a certain area, and I found one that I thought would be up to his standards. When I suggested it, he laughed and said there was no way I’d be able to get him a reservation there, no matter how hard I begged, then told me he’d give me $50 (what is it with $50 with these schmoes?) if I could get him in.
I got him in.
Not only did he not keep the reservation, but he refused to pay me the $50.
Asshole.
So on behalf of all the people like me out there, thank you for turning him away at the door. These guys need a lesson in “you’re not as important as you think you are,” and I’m exceedingly glad to know that at least one of them got it.