# Yet another "am i being an ass?" thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 13, 2010, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830 "2010-01-13T20:31:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/21 "2010-01-13T21:29:02Z")
> [@](#): > > How does your wife feel about it? She is only slightly bothered by them, nowhere near as much as me. > [@](#): > > The other couple’s adult kid+spouse obviously see this as a way to enjoy a vacation with built-in, free babysitters. Your friends get stuck with the kids and you feel bad if you ditch your friends while they’re on sitting duty. Yep, this. Exactly. Or even worse, _my_ kids will somehow end up amusing/playing with/looking after the young’uns. > [@](#): > > So basically the kids are behaving like kids Well, they usually take it to another level. > [@](#): > > Don’t you have an unexpected work/religious/medical/wedding/whatever thing that just popped up all of a sudden and means you have to cancel your plans, gosh darn it all to heck? Nahhh, I really want to go. I guess I just wanted some reassurance here. Maybe it won’t be the horror that I envision. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/22 "2010-01-13T21:33:45Z")
Honestly, I don’t see why it’s so hard to say something like, “Those kids are a nightmare. This vacation will be no fun at all if they come.” Remember your name, **MEAN** Mr Mustard. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/23 "2010-01-13T21:39:03Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > I guess I just wanted some reassurance here. Maybe it won’t be the horror that I envision. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. It will be nowhere near the horror you envision. It is sure to be far, far worse! 😛 My kids are currently 18-22, and I hope my attitude towards little kids changes before they start popping out grandbabies, because right now my tolerance for even well behaved kids is mighty thin. ---
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/24 "2010-01-13T21:40:14Z")
Irrelevant now that I have read the rest of the thread. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/25 "2010-01-13T21:40:26Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Maybe it won’t be the horror that I envision. I may just have a way overactive imagination, but this is always the case for me. I can imagine (and get quite worked up) and then it ends up being a non-issue/non-event. ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/26 "2010-01-13T21:40:51Z")
If you value the time with your friends as much as it sounds like you do, I think you are stuck for this year. But maybe towards the end of the vacation, when it’s just the 4 of you around, you can start a conversation along the lines of: “Wow, having kids around tires me out a whole lot more then it used to. I don’t know how my grandparents used to put up with all us grandkids. Maybe next year we can arrange things so that half the time the kids around around, and half the time it is just us old coots.” ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/27 "2010-01-13T21:55:07Z")
I think you’re stuck going with the kids this year so it’s time to adjust your attitude a little and buy some sound canceling headphones. Really, they’re not your kids or your responsibility so when they start acting up you can read, have a couple more drinks or do something else with your wife. Your wife probably isn’t as bothered because most moms have developed a talent for ignoring other people’s annoying children (which are usually all except your own). I imagine your friends probably think their grandchildren are kind of a pain too but are too wonderful to mention it. ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/28 "2010-01-13T22:06:16Z")
Let them know that you are looking forward to this vacation and that you are always glad to see your friends. Mention that the kids are full of sunshine and a delight to be around. It sounds like it’s already understood that from time to time the two of you will be going off and doing your own thing, so you probably won’t have to voice that point. Then while you’re over there just conveniently happen to have arranged to spend more time by yourselves or with other adults than around the kids. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/29 "2010-01-13T23:06:16Z")
> [@](#): > > have a couple more drinks… Errrrrrr…I believe we have arrived at the solution. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/30 "2010-01-13T23:07:26Z")
> [@](#): > > I imagine your friends probably think their grandchildren are kind of a pain too but are too wonderful to mention it. Yes indeed. They give off cues to this effect from time to time. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/31 "2010-01-14T00:55:41Z")
We have a somewhat similar situation - my family has started having a weekend in the mountains every summer, which would be lovely except: 1. My sister’s two kids are big pains in the ass, and 2. It’s just a big, drunken piss-up all weekend, and I don’t drink. If I want to see my family and spend some time in the mountains, I pretty much have to tolerate these annoyances. There really doesn’t seem to be a way to make compromises when you’re dealing with a group and you’re the odd man out who doesn’t like things the way everyone else likes them. You can try, but I don’t hold out much hope for you. Sorry. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/32 "2010-01-14T01:19:43Z")
I agree that you’re only hurting yourself if you spend your vacation in a situation you don’t enjoy, simply because you’re afraid to say anything. > [@](#): > > My idea of a vacation is peace and relaxation and extended periods of quiet time with nothing to do. If it were me, I wouldn’t communicate this by note or e-mail (my generally preferred method for discussing uncomfortable subjects), but instead communicate that directly by phone with the person doing the planning. The sentence quoted, followed by “That wasn’t really possible with all the kids around. I appreciate the invite, but I think we’ll plan on something a little…quieter…for this year. Thanks.” ---
**Author:** ![Canadiangirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Canadiangirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Canadiangirl)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/33 "2010-01-14T13:39:38Z")
I would simply suggest that you would like to have, as you haven’t in years, separate vacation, you know, to be more romantic, etc. Then book it. It’s your vacation. ---
**Author:** ![dnooman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/839c29/32.png) [@dnooman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dnooman)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/34 "2010-01-14T13:50:38Z")
Maybe they need to have a “kids table” version of the vacation… there, but very far away, and out of shouting distance. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/35 "2010-01-14T14:29:53Z")
> [@](#): > > I agree that you’re only hurting yourself if you spend your vacation in a situation you don’t enjoy, simply because you’re afraid to say anything. I’m not ‘afraid’ to say anything; I’m just weighing whether it would wise to (since it would make everyone, including me, unhappy). ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/36 "2010-01-14T14:34:43Z")
> [@](#): > > I appreciate the invite… Well, it’s not really like that. If anything, they’re tagging along on _our_ vacation. It’s been this way for 20+ years. And again, I _want_ to vacation with them, which is why I’m leaning toward just toughing it out. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/37 "2010-01-14T18:59:06Z")
On the one hand, the longer you let it go without saying anything, the more everyone will think you’re okay with it. On the other hand, this is a problem that will take care of itself in time as the kids age, if you can wait that long. How about approaching your friends with a compromise in hand - every other year they can invite all the kids they want, but you get one year in between with just them? And maybe that’s how you can say it - “We love spending time with the two of you, and the kids really take up your time.” ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/38 "2010-01-14T19:08:57Z")
Is it possible to change the venue, so there’s not room for the extra people? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/39 "2010-01-14T19:37:45Z")
Where are you going? ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830/40 "2010-01-14T20:07:50Z")
Yes I think the details of the vacation will affect what you should do. If it’s your beach house that you own, then you can disinvite the family with kids, although you are right that the polite time to do that would have been when they first brought it up. You would have to hope that old friends understand why you are just mentioning it now. If it’s a campground where everyone gets their own cabin then really all you can do is tell them you’re not going this year and see if they ask why. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-am-i-being-an-ass-thread/524830.md?page=3)