# Yet another online dating question... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 24, 2005, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665 "2005-02-24T08:18:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Big\_Cheese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8baadc/32.png) [@The\_Big\_Cheese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Big_Cheese)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/21 "2005-02-28T10:26:27Z")
> [@scr4](#): > > Arrgh, I’m confused now. (Maybe TMI, but nothing saucy) > > She did refer to me as a “wonderful person” and said she’s looking forward to see me again, that’s a good sign right? And maybe _I’m_ the one sending mixed signals… I’m so bad at this. > 😕 ☹ **Duh!!!** ---
**Author:** ![The\_Big\_Cheese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8baadc/32.png) [@The\_Big\_Cheese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Big_Cheese)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/22 "2005-02-28T12:40:01Z")
i didn’t mean anything rude by the above coment(Catholic guilt setting in), just that if she wasn’t interested she would have ignored you(which seems to happen to me) and NOT have said what she said. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/23 "2005-02-28T17:48:44Z")
You know, you actually _might_ be sending her mixed signals, if you feel really uncertain about whether she likes you or not. The best signal you can send her is to ask her out again. I’ve done the internet dating thing; after you meet in person, lots of guys just disappear - their clever way of letting me know that they weren’t interested. :rolleyes: Call her. Send her an email. Tell her you really enjoyed meeting her, and would like to see her again next Saturday for dinner and a movie (an official date). She will get the message that you liked her and want to move things forward. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2005, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/24 "2005-03-03T02:35:50Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > You know, you actually _might_ be sending her mixed signals, if you feel really uncertain about whether she likes you or not. The best signal you can send her is to ask her out again. Well, that much I figured out myself. 😉 Over e-mail and phone we somehow ended up making plans for _two_ dates. (It’s not easy to schedule one - we’re 2 hours apart, and she works weekends and has 2 children - so we had a couple of options going, and it looks like we may actually do both.) I wonder if I came across as pushy and/or desperate, but it’s better to err on that side, isn’t it? :o ---
**Author:** ![Baggins111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@Baggins111](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baggins111)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/25 "2005-03-04T01:41:18Z")
Good luck and I’m rooting for you. Let us know how it works out. Telling you stuff you already know, but just be yourself and treat her with kindness and respect. Had my second date with the woman that I met online the last Friday night and it she thought it was so romantic. Guess what we did? After the movie, we went to a coffee shop and talked for over an hour until the place closed. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/26 "2005-03-04T02:35:21Z")
This thread is better suited for [**In My Humble Opinion**](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?f=12). I’ll move it for you. **Cajun Man** for the SDMB ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/27 "2005-03-05T15:28:40Z")
Arrgh, second date tonight and I’m still not very well prepared. Dinner reservation, check. Movie - dubious. She can’t make it to dinner until 8pm. Maybe we’ll make it to a 10pm movie but I’d rather not rush through dinner for that. Any ideas for plan B? (Plan C is I get there early and look for a coffee shop that stays open late. I never realized it’s so hard to find one through the internet.) Are flowers appropriate for a second date? And what level of physical intimacy do people expect in a second date these days? (I’d rather give it a lot more time but I don’t want her to start thinking of me as just a friend, either.) I’d forgotten how much work dating is… :o Oh well. Come to think of it I’ve never gone on a “second date” before. (A number of first dates, and one relationship that grew out out of friendship very slowly.) ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/28 "2005-03-05T16:53:43Z")
> [@scr4](#): > > And what level of physical intimacy do people expect in a second date these days? (I’d rather give it a lot more time but I don’t want her to start thinking of me as just a friend, either.) It all depends. Hateful answer, but true. For me? Second date probably would only include casual touching, nothing grabby or possessive feeling. I’m one of the few (it seems) people in the world who doesn’t really like kissing all that much, so I can’t say when kissing would feel right for most people. Flowers are sweet, but if she doesn’t have any place to put them, they can end up being awkward. I’d save flowers for a time when you are picking her up at her house and she can put them in a vase. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/29 "2005-03-05T17:05:51Z")
Excellent thought, **jsgoddess**. Maybe you can send her virtual flowers or something that doesn’t require water. In these online situations, I would say a second date is still very much “getting to know you” territory. I would hold off on physical stuff until a third date, then I would suggest hand-holding and a goodnight kiss. Actually, you might pull off a good night kiss at the end of the second date, depending on how it goes. Lean in, and if she pulls back or says “What the hell are you doing?”, then don’t go for it, but come and tell us. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/30 "2005-03-05T17:09:58Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > Excellent thought, **jsgoddess**. Maybe you can send her virtual flowers or something that doesn’t require water. A guy gave me flowers on a date once and the whole night I was struck by how the flowers were wilting into a limp bundle while we were eating. It was kinda prescient, considering how the relationship went after that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/31 "2005-03-05T17:24:20Z")
I think a good-night kiss would be fine if the date goes well. Not necessarily a whole groping makeout session – but at least lean in for a peck on the cheek and a quick hug. Frankly, if a guy **didn’t** go for a kiss on the second date, I’d figure he definitely wasn’t attracted to me and that there wasn’t much of a future there. And “what they said” on the flowers. No gift necessary at this point. A place for coffee is good, if you can find one – that late in the evening, though, you can probably linger a while over your coffee at dinner without causing the waitstaff to circle like vultures. Another possibility for dinner is a NICE, low-key bar or lounge type place (there are a bunch associated with hotels here in Philly) – I don’t drink, but I’m fine with hanging out in such a place to talk. Good luck! Let us know what happens! ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/32 "2005-03-05T17:26:05Z")
sorry – that should be “possibility for _after_ dinner” on the bar/lounge type place. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2005, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/33 "2005-03-06T06:36:11Z")
Again, thanks for all the advice. > [@twickster](#): > > Good luck! Let us know what happens! Well, it could have gone better… Ended up being dinner and Starbucks again, and cut short because she has to be at work 7am tomorrow. There _was_ a good-night kiss (and I think we both went for it) but it was the worst kiss I’ve ever had/given, and it’s all because I was so nervous and mentally unprepared. I totally failed to build up the right mood for it. ☹ I hope she’d give me another chance but I can’t really blame her if she doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2005, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/34 "2005-03-06T15:02:05Z")
Call or email her, tell here again what a great time you had – and say “Yanno, I really am a much better kisser than that – I was just really nervous because I like you so much.” She’ll give you another shot. ---
**Author:** ![Baggins111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@Baggins111](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baggins111)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/35 "2005-03-08T02:41:24Z")
That first kiss is all over with. The awkwardenss is gone. It will be easier next time. There will be a next time. Keep us posted. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/36 "2005-03-18T18:45:27Z")
Just an update to those who helped me (and may or may not care) - third date didn’t seem to go well either. Drove one and a half hour to pick her up and another hour to go see a play, and not even a goodnight kiss. Um, I don’t mean I want physical attention in return for my efforts, but that seems to show a lack of interest. She did have to rush back to relieve her mother from babysitting duty, but even then… I didn’t think it’d hurt this much to have things go sour after only 3 dates. Is dating always this painful, or am I letting myself get emotional too soon? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/37 "2005-03-18T19:06:29Z")
I understand her having to get back and all but is there a good reason she would/could not invite you in for a cup of coffee and quiet chat? You know, sometimes an offer to come up for a coffee is just an offer actually _drink_ coffee. 🙂 Unfortunately, I think you should go with your gut on this one. It’s not looking like it’s going well. Time to perhaps move on. But I wasn’t there. There may be other considerations. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/38 "2005-03-18T19:14:58Z")
I dunno, I think it depends on the person. Do you guys chat or email much? Unless I’m in a “I just wanna get toasted and laid” type of mood (very rare), I usually take at least three dates to warm up to a guy, particularly through internet dating. It just seems weird to swap spit with a guy you’ve only met a couple of times before… ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/39 "2005-03-18T19:42:24Z")
> [@scr4](#): > > I didn’t think it’d hurt this much to have things go sour after only 3 dates. Is dating always this painful, or am I letting myself get emotional too soon? Hang in there! Veteran online dater now married to a woman I met via yahoo personals (aka the doper **Cyn**.) #1 Never let yourself think even for a second that she is too good for you. In my experience women like what they like no matter what shape/size/income package it comes wrapped in. If you made it to a kiss, shes not wondering if you are “good enough” for her. #2 The Long distance thing is rough on everyone. Next time you talk to her make sure you tell her how much you are looking forward to seeing her. Tell her you would drive twice as far for a woman half as wonderful. For a while just the gas to go see Cyn was hard on my budget but I managed. I am kinda curious about the work schedule thing. Only works weekends? Can you tell us her occupation and a sample schedule. I hear one of my little alarms going off. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665/40 "2005-03-18T19:47:54Z")
> [@tremorviolet](#): > > I dunno, I think it depends on the person. Do you guys chat or email much? Unless I’m in a “I just wanna get toasted and laid” type of mood (very rare), I usually take at least three dates to warm up to a guy, particularly through internet dating. It just seems weird to swap spit with a guy you’ve only met a couple of times before… In my experience, if they are not comfortable kissing me after a couple dates its not going much further. Then again I was kinda a major slut boy back then. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-online-dating-question/291665.md?page=3)