# Yet another social situation that I don't understand **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 17, 2009, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678 "2009-01-17T00:43:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![fachverwirrt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/94ad74/32.png) [@fachverwirrt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fachverwirrt)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/41 "2009-01-19T02:43:20Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > I don’t think it has anything to do with you personally **monstro** , it’s just that some people think it’s okay to impose upon casual friends and acquaintances when it comes to their wedding plans…especially when they find out how much it would cost to PAY a musician. That’s what gets me: people find out how much it would cost, and then think, “Oh! I’ll just ask him to do it for free!” It’s like asking your contractor friend to remodel your kitchen instead of getting you a birthday present. This is, after all, my job; why should I do it for free? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/42 "2009-01-19T16:31:21Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Am I jerk for feeling kinda put out by her request? I feel like I am. Both Wilma and Betty both assumed I’d say yes, which means they think I’m much more “into” our relationship than I am. In the past Betty has told me that I’m cold and heartless–and though she says it in jest, I have a feeling she believes it. She knows enough about me to know that I would be sensitive to such a remark, but she says it anyway. And it’s situations like this one which make me agree with her. I’d love to be the type of person they want me to be, and maybe going to the wedding would make me that person. But why should I give more weight to peer pressure than “me” pressure? It’s not selfish to be the kind of friend I’m most comfortable being, is it? > > I made the mistake of trying to smooth things over by telling Wilma I would come to the wedding, but just as a guest. So now I feel like I have to go. :smack: If you were cold and heartless, you wouldn’t have been so affected by this trap. Cos that’s what it is :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/43 "2009-01-19T17:22:03Z")
> [@fachverwirrt](#): > > That’s what gets me: people find out how much it would cost, and then think, “Oh! I’ll just ask him to do it for free!” > > It’s like asking your contractor friend to remodel your kitchen instead of getting you a birthday present. This is, after all, my job; why should I do it for free? I make jewelry as a hobby, and a couple of times I have had acquaintances (not even close friends, and in one case a classmate I didn’t even _like_) suggest that I might give them something for free. Uh, no. I think a big part of it is ignorance of the amount of effort that goes into creating/performing something, and the amount of time that had to be spent practicing before one was good enough to do anything worthwhile. Plus some people just have an awful lot of nerve. I imagine musicians are subjected to this even more, because with jewelry-making, sewing, photography, etc., there’s at least a demonstrable cost for materials involved. With musicians, Bridezillas probably think “Well, she already OWNS the viola, so I’m really just asking her to donate a few minutes to play something for me. It’s amazing what professionals charge just to show up and play a little tune!” ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/44 "2009-01-19T19:37:19Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > You say they’ve never heard you play. So wait. As far as this couple knows, the OP can barely play a note? Surely there is some potential comedy to be had here. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/45 "2009-01-19T19:42:52Z")
> [@Zoe](#): > > **monstro** , I’m not sure why you move on to another city once they find out how “coldhearted” you are. Care to explain? BTW, I have in my possession something that makes me think that you are not altogether cold-hearted. > > Is it possible that you don’t want to hurt their feelings because you know how that feels? > > Just wondering. Maybe I’m very sensitive and I just assume other people are too. But then again, I can’t imagine ever asking a workplace friend to play at my destination wedding for free, so in that regard I completely lack empathy. I ran away from Miami partly to get away from some [workplace craziness](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=377968). I know I’m not to blame for dude flipping out (he ended up having a nervous breakdown and being fired from his job), but now I’m all hypersensitive to other people’s reactions to me. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/46 "2009-01-19T20:15:57Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Maybe I’m very sensitive and I just assume other people are too. But then again, I can’t imagine ever asking a workplace friend to play at my destination wedding for free, so in that regard I completely lack empathy. I don’t think it requires a lack of empathy to be surprised by someone else’s poor manners. Your coworker is the one who displayed a limited understanding of/lack of care for other people’s feelings. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/47 "2009-01-19T20:37:14Z")
You can also look at it like this: Wilma and Betty, mostly likely, do the same thing with every other female coworker that shows up. Perhaps some of the guys. I’m sure they’ve made a few others say stuff like “Er, no, I actually don’t want to give you $50 for Susie’s baby present”. So, assuming they are used to pushing boundaries, they are also used to hearing a firm “Thanks but no.” You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last person to turn them down. People who get really upset with hearing “No” also tend to be very shy about asking in the first place, and these ladies aren’t shy. ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2009, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678/48 "2009-01-19T21:05:18Z")
If they have never heard you play, you should agree to do it, but tell her you want to “go over a few songs” with her first. Then, play something in some god-awful fashion and act like nothing is wrong. See how long it takes for her to come up with an excuse to drop you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/yet-another-social-situation-that-i-dont-understand/481678.md?page=2)