# You are a male who wants to produce as many children as possible before you die. What's your plan? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 15, 2009, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677 "2009-11-15T18:57:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/1 "2009-11-15T18:57:25Z")
Less of a GQ and more of hypothetical “What if…” so I’m placing it here. Let’s say you are a white, middle class, suburban 15 year old kid of average looks and average intelligence in a western culture who one day has a vision, epiphany etc. that it is absolutely imperative you produce as many children as possible before you die. Whether you are legally considered the father of these kids or not is irrelevant. The key is to spread your seed as widely as possible before you expire. You are an average 15 year old kid in good health. Strategically what’s the next move to accomplish this? What’s your cunning plan to be a super impregnator? ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Sensitive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/58956e/32.png) [@Darth\_Sensitive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Sensitive)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/2 "2009-11-15T18:59:20Z")
Start a band. ---
**Author:** ![Rex\_Goliath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bcef8e/32.png) [@Rex\_Goliath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rex_Goliath)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/3 "2009-11-15T18:59:22Z")
How morally restricted are we? Can I kidnap women and forcibly impregnate them? ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/4 "2009-11-15T19:01:41Z")
I think the best option would be to become a fertility doctor and substitute your sperm for the donor sperm in all of your IVF procedures, in addition to banging every available female you can find. IIRC, someone actually did this. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/5 "2009-11-15T19:03:29Z")
Study to become a fertility doctor and keep slipping your own boys in the brew. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/6 "2009-11-15T19:04:32Z")
Get rich, move to a country that allows polygamy, marry a bunch of wives, and start the sexathon. ---
**Author:** ![Critical1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Critical1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Critical1)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/7 "2009-11-15T19:06:53Z")
2 words, Ghengis Khan. dude supposedly has something like 16,000,000 descendants. the average male from that era has more like 16. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/8 "2009-11-15T19:08:45Z")
Start with Octo-Mom. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/9 "2009-11-15T19:10:40Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Get rich, move to a country that allows polygamy, marry a bunch of wives, and start the sexathon. Yeah but you have to find and attract said wives. And besides, getting rich alone would make you thousands times more attractive anyways, why not just go straight up man whore? I think being in a decently popular band of most any sort would get the job done. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/10 "2009-11-15T19:11:01Z")
Bear trap. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/11 "2009-11-15T19:12:45Z")
> [@Rex\_Goliath](#): > > How morally restricted are we? Can I kidnap women and forcibly impregnate them? I should have specified this. Rape and similar forcible sex is out. Sex (or however impregnation is achieved) has to be consensual at the time. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/12 "2009-11-15T19:12:50Z")
Yes, as counterintuitive as it may seem, the best way to accomplish this would _not_ be promiscuity. A promiscuous sex life basically necessitates the use of birth control, in this day and age. In the past, it wasn’t so; but in 2009, fucking hundreds of women might only get you a few children, and even those would probably be accidental (woman missed a pill or whatever.) Good luck finding hundreds of random women willing to let you sleep with them with no protection whatsoever. The best way to pull this off, outside of the sperm-donor idea, would be not promiscuity, but polygamy. Moving to a country where this was allowed would definitely be the best way to go about it. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/13 "2009-11-15T19:14:07Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Yeah but you have to find and attract said wives. And besides, getting rich alone would make you thousands times more attractive anyways, why not just go straight up man whore? > > I think being in a decently popular band of most any sort would get the job done. Wouldn’t these girls be using birth control more often than not? ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/14 "2009-11-15T19:16:42Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Wouldn’t these girls be using birth control more often than not? I think if you’re a rock star you could easily just say “I don’t use condoms” and hope she’s not anything and/or that she doesn’t abort. If said girl refuses, kick her out and call the next number. Sleazy as hell, but rock stars have never been bastions of class. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Rex\_Goliath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bcef8e/32.png) [@Rex\_Goliath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rex_Goliath)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/15 "2009-11-15T19:22:08Z")
> [@Argent\_Towers](#): > > Good luck finding hundreds of random women willing to let you sleep with them with no protection whatsoever. I don’t think this would be prohibitively difficult in a third world country, particularly if one looks like a rich American. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/16 "2009-11-15T19:29:10Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > I think if you’re a rock star you could easily just say “I don’t use condoms” and hope she’s not anything and/or that she doesn’t abort. If said girl refuses, kick her out and call the next number. Sleazy as hell, but rock stars have never been bastions of class. 😉 I doubt this approach would work, and even if it did, the girl would probably take the morning after pill or get an abortion if you did manage to find one who would fuck you with no rubber. The third world country idea is very dangerous because it could lead to crippling STDs quite quickly. If not AIDS, then syphillis or gonnorhea which would, at the best, cripple your cock with debilitating infections and pain, and at the worst, spread to your brain and kill you. Bad idea. Better to have a harem of women who you know are going to be clean. Polygamy FTW. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/17 "2009-11-15T19:35:19Z")
Forgive me for sticking with the OP: > [@](#): > > Let’s say you are a white, middle class, suburban 15 year old kid of average looks and average intelligence in a western culture who one day has a vision, epiphany etc. that it is absolutely imperative you produce as many children as possible before you die You are 15 years old. No one else is laying out a plan, just grandiose unrealistic things for a 15 yeard old to accomplish. “Get rich” and “acquire multiple wives” don’t work without some foundation. Being a rock star allows for both of these _while_ landing groupies. Step 1) Learn to sing and play the guitar. 2) Form a band and promote the hell out of yourselves. 3) Make frequent and extended concert dates in [these states](http://womensissues.about.com/od/datingandsex/a/TeenPregStates.htm). 4) Make no visits to [these states](http://womensissues.about.com/od/datingandsex/a/TeenAbortRates.htm). ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/18 "2009-11-15T19:40:30Z")
> [@Argent\_Towers](#): > > I doubt this approach would work, and even if it did, the girl would probably take the morning after pill or get an abortion if you did manage to find one who would fuck you with no rubber. The third world country idea is very dangerous because it could lead to crippling STDs quite quickly. If not AIDS, then syphilis or gonorrhea which would, at the best, cripple your cock with debilitating infections and pain, and at the worst, spread to your brain and kill you. Bad idea. > > Better to have a harem of women who you know are going to be clean. Polygamy FTW. You bring up some interesting points re risks. I would have thought that free ranging it might be more successful, but I had not thought about the abortion risk. To have a single women be willing to carry the child to term will likely require a substantial time investment with her so she perceives some level of continuous commitment, and be a relatively inefficient method of production. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/19 "2009-11-15T19:49:07Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Yeah but you have to find and attract said wives. And besides, getting rich alone would make you thousands times more attractive anyways, why not just go straight up man whore? > > I think being in a decently popular band of most any sort would get the job done. Well, straight up man whore means you’re only having sex with one person once. Isn’t the likelihood of impregnating someone very low considering women are only fertile a few days out of the month? Polygamy seems like the best bet because you could monitor fertility (cervical mucous, body temperature, etc.) and only have sex with the women who are in heat. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/20 "2009-11-15T19:55:58Z")
Being a rock star will get you laid. Nobody can debate that. As an aside, I find it kind of existentially amusing that it used to be in history that the guy who fucked the most women was a great warrior, leader or king, whereas now the guy who fucks the most women is…some guy who plays the guitar or sings. Funny how times have changed. I mean, even with the appeal that comes with political power, I think way, way more women in 2009 would rather fuck Anthony Kiedis or the guy from Kings of Leon than Barack Obama. Back to the topic at hand - I think given the ubiquity of birth control, the rock star thing would still not lead to as many pregnancies as you think. I mean, let’s take the top two guys, other than porn stars, in terms of number of women fucked (supposedly) - Wilt Chamberlain, and Gene Simmons. The exact number is debatable but I think it’s generally accepted that it’s in the thousands. How many illegitimate children do either of these guys have? Does anyone know? You’d think if there were many, they’d be making themselves well known, if for no other reason than to try to break off a piece of the money pie. But, between the two of them, I am going to wager that whatever number of illegitimate children they have is small potatoes compared to the children of some Arabian sheik with multiple wives or a harem of concubines. Again, I don’t have the statistics and this is pure conjecture. But I’ll stand by it. In other words, my advice to the teenager is: get very, very good at something _with a chance of succeeding_ (the chances of being a successful rock star are tiny.) Become a great scientist, a lawyer, doctor or entrepreneur. Something profitable in the extreme. Then convert to Islam, move to Saudi Arabia or some other country where men have multiple wives, and start the collection. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677.md?page=2)