# You are a male who wants to produce as many children as possible before you die. What's your plan? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 15, 2009, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677 "2009-11-15T18:57:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/41 "2009-11-16T02:15:03Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > I think you people are way overthinking this. Clearly you don’t have enough exposure to trashy Australian current affairs programs, because every six months or so they do a story on some [deadbeat who has fathered xteen children to xteen different women](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REYaPbXq2UU) and isn’t paying a cent of child support to any of them. The guy is never rich, never successful, never even a rockstar. He is usually an uneducated, unemployed, unattractive bozo who hooks up with uneducated, unemployed, unattractive bozettes, sticks around long enough to get them pregnant once or twice and then moves on. Serial fathering, that’s the way to go. Hmm.. weird. I can see the mechanism though. Most of his baby mommas pictured are medium plain to brutally ugly, and he is actually not that bad looking. He’s taking low hanging fruit. It’s weird that they all would want to make babies with him though as he is unemployed and offers no rational means to support a family. It must be some pheromone thing. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/42 "2009-11-16T02:24:04Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > I think you people are way overthinking this. Clearly you don’t have enough exposure to trashy Australian current affairs programs, because every six months or so they do a story on some [deadbeat who has fathered xteen children to xteen different women](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REYaPbXq2UU) and isn’t paying a cent of child support to any of them. The guy is never rich, never successful, never even a rockstar. He is usually an uneducated, unemployed, unattractive bozo who hooks up with uneducated, unemployed, unattractive bozettes, sticks around long enough to get them pregnant once or twice and then moves on. Serial fathering, that’s the way to go. Ahem… > [@Me](#): > > And I was thinking about my earlier links. A 15y/o kid could have a pretty decent amount of success just seducing girls right then and there at 15. Become charming and just start seducing classmates in high school and early college, when girls (and people) are at their most ignorant, arrogant and irresponsible. > [@Me Again](#): > > You are being way too practical. Have you ever talked to a teen parent? I’ve known several of them and most barely even pursue child support, let alone actually receive it. If the guy doesn’t stick around obviously. ---
**Author:** ![Hakuna\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hakuna\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hakuna_Matata)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/43 "2009-11-16T03:58:38Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > I think the best option would be to become a fertility doctor and substitute your sperm for the donor sperm in all of your IVF procedures, in addition to banging every available female you can find. > > IIRC, someone actually did this. Yes I remembered this and I only remember his name because I had a good friend with the same last name. hm…wonder who his father is? 🙂 > **[Cecil Jacobson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cecil_Jacobson)** > > Cecil Byran Jacobson (October 2, 1936 – March 5, 2021) was an American former fertility doctor who used his own sperm to impregnate his patients without informing them. > Jacobson was born in Salt Lake City, Utah. A graduate of Brown University, he became a researcher at George Washington University, but had no specialist training in infertility medicine. > In the 1960s, Jacobson, who was Chief of the Reproductive Genetics Unit at George Washington University Medical School, claimed that he had imp... ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/44 "2009-11-16T20:33:20Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Ahem… Ok, make that _most_ of you are way overthinking this 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![bluecanary](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bluecanary/32/3614_2.png) [@bluecanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bluecanary)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/45 "2009-11-16T20:37:46Z")
Question as posed in the OP: **MsWhatsit** and **wolfman** simulposted the correct answer. Otherwise (for an average 15-year old), serial fathering as per **Cazzle** is probably the way. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/46 "2009-11-16T21:04:05Z")
I would think that your first step would be to move to an area with high poverty rates and not much in the way of sex education. Then you start seducing the youngest women you can without creating too wide an age disparity. At 15 you could probably seduce a number of young ladies from 13-18 who don’t understand birth control or can’t afford it if they do. During this time be sure to donate sperm as often as possible. After you have knocked up a decent number of them you move on to the next impoverished area and the next sperm bank. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/47 "2009-11-17T02:22:16Z")
Given that the guy who paints my house has more children than teeth, I’d say our young man needs to come to Appalachian Ohio and get busy. ---
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/48 "2009-11-17T02:35:52Z")
Are we shooting for the mean or the median? Because there are probably certain strategies (e.g. mega-polygamy) that have a huge potential payoff which skews your average upwards, but would most likely not work out too well and would get in the way of other, safer strategies. I think the answer is basically: money, low standards, emotional manipulation, and sperm banks. Lots and lots of sperm banks. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/49 "2009-11-17T02:37:54Z")
Find yourself a good old fashioned Catholic Woman of ethnicity at Catechism, Church, or Bible Class… or start hanging around a Catholic Girls School to increase your odds. Fall in love, and have a big family with your Catholic wife. I’m not trying to sound racist, but I’d especially go after Mexican and Black Chicks. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/50 "2009-11-17T02:50:51Z")
> [@devilsknew](#): > > I’m not trying to sound racist, but I’d especially go after Mexican and Black Chicks. Think how racist you’d sound if you really put your mind to it. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/51 "2009-11-17T03:25:25Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Think how racist you’d sound if you really put your mind to it. Is it racist if it is a fact and stat in upping his reproductive chances? [Birth and Fertility Rates](http://www.childtrendsdatabank.org/pdf/79_PDF.pdf) (PDF) [QUOTE=Childtrends Databank] Differences by Race and Ethnicity In 2005, Hispanic women had the highest fertility rates, followed by non-Hispanic blackwomen, Asian women, Native American women, and non-Hispanic white women.\* Fertility rates for Hispanic women were over 45 percent higher than those for non- Hispanic black women and Asian women (99 births per 1,000 for Hispanic women versus 67 births per 1,000 for non-Hispanic black and Asian women), and more than 65 percent higher than those for Native American women and non-Hispanic white women (60 and 58 births per 1,000 women, respectively). (See Figure 3) Among Hispanic women, in 2004 (the most recent year for which such estimates are available), Mexican woman had a much higher fertility rate than Puerto Rican and Cuban woman (107 births per 1,000 compared with 68 births per 1,000 and 53 births per 1,000, respectively). (See Table 1) \*Note: Data from 2005 are based on preliminary estimates. [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/52 "2009-11-17T03:27:03Z")
Cuckholding has some major advantages if this is your goal. Impregnating married women means they’re 1) not going to remain attached to you as much as some other options are, and 2) you pawn off the issues with raising the bastard children on the unsuspecting husband, making it less likely the child will be aborted (since that would raise uncomfortable questions to the mother considering aborting) or abandoned (since you aren’t leaving the woman and child alone with no means of support). ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/53 "2009-11-17T04:38:20Z")
> [@devilsknew](#): > > I’m not trying to sound racist, but I’d especially go after Mexican and Black Chicks. > [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Think how racist you’d sound if you really put your mind to it. … and I forgot the Irish whores. Those cunts will fuck ya for a Guiness, a thimble of the Jimmy, and a pat on the fanny.. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/54 "2009-11-17T05:42:43Z")
1. Get a freezer and start jerking off. 2. Identify all the major sperm banks of the world. 3. Learn the skills of breaking and entering. 4. Break into sperm banks, and substitute your sperm for the banked sperm. 5. Keep that jizz flowing. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677/55 "2009-11-17T15:26:16Z")
Convert to conservative Christianity, get married as young as possible to a woman in the Quiverfull movement, and you should have a family of 8 or so in the next decade. Statistics prove that marrying young and staying faithful to the same woman make you most likely to father the most children. Outlandish scenarios aside (doctor switching your sperm for that of your patients, etc)… cuckolding or even being famous doesn’t mean you’ll have that many kids. Most women are going to be doing their best to avoid pregnancy when they’re fooling around with someone who obviously isn’t going to commit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-a-male-who-wants-to-produce-as-many-children-as-possible-before-you-die-whats-your-plan/517677.md?page=2)