# You are Cthulhu -- who do you eat first? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 15, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694 "2005-03-15T20:23:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/21 "2005-03-16T01:13:21Z")
If I’m Cthulhu, the petty political concerns of the scurrying hordes are beneath even the notice of the small parasites that live among my tentacular maw. I will dedicate no attention whatever to choosing targets for consumption based on their ideological leanings. My sole concern will be enjoying my meal. So I’m going for plump and tasty, like Scarlett Johanssen and Lindsay Lohan. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/22 "2005-03-16T01:15:26Z")
Phred Phelps. No no, don’t thank me. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/23 "2005-03-16T01:44:22Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > So I’m going for plump and tasty, like Scarlett Johanssen and Lindsay Lohan. Mmmm… /drool Cthhulu would _not_ at all mind eating them… ---
**Author:** ![picker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/picker/32/13969_2.png) [@picker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picker)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/24 "2005-03-16T01:57:49Z")
I think that I would probably go with plump and tasty too. Hmmm, I think maybe Kate Winslet should be on that list with Scarlet and Lindsey. And Paris Hilton, but only 'cause I’m gonna need a toothpick. One of her chicken-legs should do nicely. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/25 "2005-03-16T02:16:30Z")
Hmm. It seems that, however you slice it (age, post count, virtue, location in the human body politic, weight and height), I’m in the middle… ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/26 "2005-03-16T02:21:45Z")
Cthulhu is a big fellow, you know. Not the kind that’d be eating people one at a time. I’d start with New Jersey. Get the puking out of the way before moving on to the rest of humanity. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/27 "2005-03-16T02:47:08Z")
> [@picker](#): > > And Paris Hilton Cthulhu vomit! ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/28 "2005-03-16T03:22:12Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#): > > …staging drawings and quarterings of nuns in the Wal-Mart parking lot, forcing random strangers at gunpoint to sodomize livestock… Alright! :mad: Who gave away the **New Member Initiation Ritual**? ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/29 "2005-03-16T03:38:38Z")
The Brady Bunch ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/30 "2005-03-16T05:38:06Z")
Berkeley, CA, and parts of the surrounding metro area. Because a) they wouldn’t fight back as hard, so it’ll be a marginally easier effort to make as I’m rousing myself from my death-dream-sleep, and b) after I eat all the hemp-smoking hippies, I can amuse myself by watching the “trails” my tendrils leave as I wave them in front of my watery, lidless eyes. Then I’ll work on the so-called “holy land.” It’s existance slightly annoys me—rather like a small splinter—and the screams, wails, and futile “prayers” of the humans are soothing music to my ears. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/31 "2005-03-16T06:05:16Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > So I’m going for plump and tasty, like Scarlett Johanssen and Lindsay Lohan. I met Scarlett Johanssen once. I knew her brother for like 5 minutes back right after she did the Horse Whisperer. But after eating Scarlett Johansen, her brother and Lindsay Lohan I’d have to go for Ann Coulter, but not until after I tentacle raped her. She needs the mother of all spite fuckings if anyone does. Hell she’d probably get off on being tentacle raped by Cthulu. Erek ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/32 "2005-03-16T11:34:56Z")
I think I’d pick by political leanings. First I’d eat the wackjobs on the far right and far left, since you want to eat the people who are heavily armed before they know what’s going on. Then the whinier of the liberals, because they’d make my head ache, then any actor or actress ever billed as “Special Guest Star” except for Heather Locklear because Melrose Place and Spin City brought me entertainment. And then… ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/33 "2005-03-16T14:00:47Z")
> [@picker](#): > > I think that I would probably go with plump and tasty too. > > … Kate Winslet …Scarlet and Lindsey. > > And Paris Hilton, but only 'cause I’m gonna need a toothpick. Cthulhu thinks Kate & others are tasty but hardly plump. Paris? \ Even Cthulhu has limits. Wouldn’t touch that skank with **your** tentacles. Cthulhu will transcend space and time to eat Rene Z. when whe was shooting Bridget Jones or that hottie that played Stiffler’s Mom in _American Pie_. Then to main course, Anna Nicole Smith during one of her binge stages… but served foi gras style so Cthulhu doesn’t have to hear her talk. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/34 "2005-03-16T19:19:44Z")
Cthulhu would definitely eat the Republicans last, to prolong the suffering of everyone else. Getting driven mad by the presence of a Great Old One is horrible, but having to watch George W. Bush keep smirking among all the chaos is _indescribably evil._😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2005, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/35 "2005-03-16T22:57:36Z")
Given that Donald Trump not only has a huge ass but _is_ one, Cthulhu would likely find _rump de Trump_ an irresistible appetizer, before moving on to take a big bite out of the Big Apple. On a positive note, Cthulhu feasting on the five boroughs of NYC could ameliorate the perennial housing crisis there. Rents might even become affordable… ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2005, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/36 "2005-03-17T00:32:27Z")
> [@The Sausage Creature](#): > > Phred Phelps. > > No no, don’t thank me. Darn you, I was going to name him! After all, I live in Topeka and have to see him all the time. ---
**Author:** ![RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/53a042/32.png) [@RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RancidYakButterTeaParty)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2005, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/37 "2005-03-17T00:42:23Z")
How do you pronounce Chthulhu ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2005, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/38 "2005-03-17T01:20:55Z")
I pronounce it _HNNYYAAAAAAAAAARRRRG._ ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2005, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/39 "2005-03-17T04:50:54Z")
> [@RancidYakButterTeaParty](#): > > How do you pronounce Chthulhu [kTu:K\u:]. That’s “kthththoooo [the wierd l sound in Welsh, only voiced] ooooo” Anyway, I would eat Megan first, because I have a crush on her and I don’t want her to go insane. 😃 Then it would be all the poor and oppressed people of the world, to get their suffering over with quickest. I’m a benevolent Cthulhu:D Last to be eaten would be conservative radio talk show hosts and bad drivers. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2005, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694/40 "2005-03-17T05:29:48Z")
Well, if we’re going down the road of sex, I’d put Miss Carey at the top of my list. My biology teacher during my senior year in H.S. and she had just graduated from UWM the year before. So she was about 23 or so. And I was 17. And she…was…fucking…HOT!!! Guys, you know the reason it was so hard (hehe) to pay attention to the lectures she gave on reproduction. We’ve all had one or two teachers that just do it for us. I still can’t believe I passed that class. :eek: And **rjung** , you seem to have a problem with President Bush I’ve never seen you bring up in other threads. Are you just feeling upset tonight or is there a difference in what he’s doing and what you think should be done? 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-cthulhu-who-do-you-eat-first/294694.md?page=3)