# You are guaranteed to win the next US presidential election. Would you run? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 20, 2006, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208 "2006-03-20T22:27:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/21 "2006-03-21T03:32:27Z")
Hell, give me the money to push my campaign with and I’ll run even without a guarantee of winning. (But it’s got to be enough money that the average voter knew that I was there and participating). And yes, if elected I would serve. I would put all the available energies at my disposal into doing the best job possible and to hell with the rest of my life afterwards. I’d pay staffers to drill me on details to keep me alert and cognizant of the grainy particulars of what I’m dealing with. And I’d have political pundit-philosophers from several wings of various parties to throw my vision and viewpoint stuff at and have them attack what they dislike about it, or about what they hear it to be. And I would try to speak to the American people on a similar basis, to explain how I perceived things and lay out what I was trying to do, and why. And wherever could incorporate or compromise to include opposing/alternative viewpoints, without losing my momentum within my own agenda, I’d do so. But I’d still mostly want my own stuff getting done. And if it looked like I was worth a damn at it, I’d run for re-election 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/22 "2006-03-21T19:05:03Z")
hunter, you took my reply almost verbatim. i think it’d be very interesting to be president. to have the knowledge and clout he does to push forward things you believe in…'twould be nice. furthermore, what more can a non-combatant do for their country? public office and campaigning a cause might be about as high on the list as you can get. ---
**Author:** ![OttoDaFe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ottodafe/32/356_2.png) [@OttoDaFe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OttoDaFe)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/23 "2006-03-21T19:51:11Z")
To paraphrase Groucho Marx, I wouldn’t want to live in any country that would elect me President. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/24 "2006-03-21T19:59:29Z")
_If I were president I’d get elected on Friday Assasinated on Saturday Buried on Sunday_ ---
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/25 "2006-03-21T20:00:55Z")
Only if I get to hire my own interns. ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/26 "2006-03-21T20:16:55Z")
This is actually a really hard decision. On the one hand, if I did run then I’d be responsible for everything that happens in the entire world in the next four years, and considering that most of the time I already feel responsible for a lot of the stuff that happens, I really don’t think I’d be able to make the decisions necessary. My administration would be the least effective one in history, because when laws get passed, someone has to die or suffer. And I couldn’t live with that. I can barely decide what to make for dinner most nights, how can I possibly pass laws that will affect everyone in the world? But on the other hand, if I didn’t run and someone got elected who was Evil Incarnate (which would almost certainly be the case), then I’d be culpable for everything they did. The President set up concentration camps for non-Christians? Well, that’s really MY doing. A pointless war on Australia to rally public fervor? That’s really my finger on the trigger, it may look like the other guy doing it, but I’m really the one responsible. That’s just the way my ethics work. And since you always have to be prepared for the worst-case scenario, anyone who replaces me would for sure be Hitler squared. For SURE. So I think I’d have even more of a problem not taking the job. I’d probably take it out of guilt then die within two weeks from stress. But at least I’d have picked a great successor, someone with my politics that can actually execute stuff. Actually, can’t I just be a figurehead with a lot of people underneath me to really carry the job out? You know, like we have now, only it wouldn’t suck. ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/27 "2006-03-21T20:21:02Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Cheee-rist, no. President is the last things I would want to be. I’m holding out for God-Emperor. That way I can rule with impunity, without all the hassles of listening to Congress and the People. 😃 Isn’t that what the chap in there now is doing? ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/28 "2006-03-21T21:05:04Z")
No Way in Fucking Hell. I couldn’t take that sort of scrunity, hate to give speeches, am not particulary social and I don’t have a strong opinion on some of the big issues. Dicatotor on the other hand, with a military uniform and death squads and my command… Nah, I’m not that cruel. ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/29 "2006-03-21T21:42:21Z")
Well, I have enough of a hard time being confident in myself and my political beliefs as is. I can’t imagine anything worse than being scrutinized and criticized by a huge percentage of the world. Now, if I could get a behind-the-scenes type of job, I’d sign up in an instant. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2006, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/30 "2006-03-21T22:01:18Z")
Yep, I’d do it. I’d be cruel but fair. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/31 "2006-03-22T00:09:25Z")
I’d do it. It’d be fabulous. I’d get a passport and use it. I’d have served Saddam his termination papers personally, I’d have bitch slapped Arafat. I’d walk up to King Sodding Saudi and whisper “solar power” in his greasy little ear–and then proceed to let the rest of the world enjoy the ensuing oil glut. I’d go to China and say, “Nice wall, by the way Columbia will soon be enjoying favored trading nation status. They’re a little nicer to their citizens.” I’d go to Iran and hand them blueprints for relatively safe nuclear reactors and let them know that it would be unfortunate should anything happen to any of the Israeli security guards that will monitor the plants…at our expense of course. I’d got to Hawaii and learn to surf. I’d go to Alaska and kill a moose with a .22 rifle. I’d go noodling with the locals in Mississippi and then head on over to the brand-spanking new “Boiling Point” restaurant I commissioned in Downtown New Orleans and get totally 'faced on Budweiser and stuff myself with crawdads & potatoes. I’d throw the first _pitch_ in every World Series during my terms. I’d tarriff the crap out of imported vehicles and subsidize domestically produced hybrid and hydrogen fuel cell cars with an MSRP of $10k or less; and match private enterprise expenses to develop a reliable hydrogen fuel infrastructure. 90% of US troops would be redeployed to The States and cross-trained as construction engineers & MPs. And any senator or representative that dares to challenge the spirit of any of these measures will be publically humiliated as a greedy pedant in a public and personal address from me or VP **World Eater**. In fact, I think **World Eater** , or maybe **Bricker** , or maybe BOTH of 'em as a team will orchestrate the congressional dressing-downs while I maintain my image as The Good Guy who just wants everyone to get along. Yeah…I’d do it. ---
**Author:** ![Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnac_the_Magnificent)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/32 "2006-03-22T00:35:40Z")
> [@Lissa](#): > > _If I were president > I’d get elected on Friday > Assasinated on Saturday > Buried on Sunday_ Busy Thursday night? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/33 "2006-03-22T00:48:41Z")
I’d do it. I’d pretty much have to, considering who else would get the job, Democrat or Republican. This isn’t bragging. I’m neither a particularly good person nor a particularly bright person. But I’d do a damn sight better by this country than all the venal fools and clowns out there. As far as all the crap I’d have to take, since I’m guaranteed to win, bring it on. I’ll answer questions bluntly and directly, veto any bill with the least amount of pork, hire sexy interns, balance the budget through taxes and spending cuts, get out of Iraq as painlessly as possible under the circumstances, protect the environment, initiate an effective counter-terror policy (I’d re-hire Richard Clarke for this), tell the Christian right to get bent, get a bunch of guy with IQ’s well into the triple digits to lower our dependance on foreign oil as much as possible, and govern as an independant so I can work with moderates of both parties. I doubt I’d be re-elected, but I think I could have fun for four years. And I get a sweet pension afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/34 "2006-03-22T00:56:51Z")
Oh yeah, one question. Do I get…The Ring? ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/35 "2006-03-22T01:11:29Z")
I’d do it. And I’d appoint Ralph Nader attorney general. Tremble in your shoes, fatcats! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/36 "2006-03-22T01:12:57Z")
I would go for it. I know the job sucks but I could do it for 4 years. Kind of like a military Hitch. My cabinet would be composed of people from both sides of the aisle. Moderates everywhere. I would pay special attention to Energy and EPA. FEMA, I wonder if Bill Clinton would be willing to head a team to straighten it back out. Would Rudy G. be willing to be my VP? Can I get Powell back as Sec State. When I am a burnt out husk after 4 years, I can just go on the lecture circuit for the rest of my life when I need a little cash. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/37 "2006-03-22T01:13:14Z")
Assuming they amend the Constitution so that Foreigners can run, I’d be off to move my stuff into the White House so fast there’d be a Roadrunner & Coyote-esque dustcloud where I’d been standing! The first thing I’d do once I was comfortably ensconced in the Oval Office would be to have a full-size oil portrait of _The Kramer_ mounted on the wall in a prominent place. Let’s see Hu Jintao try and negotiate a China-favourable Trade Treaty with Kramer staring at him the whole time! 😃 I’d also have a large, red button placed on my desk. When pressed, it would emit a loud buzzing sound, followed by a computer female voice announce “Nuclear Warheads Launched, Target Destruction Imminent.” Sure, I’d have to put up with Congress and The Senate, but since I’d throw the most legendary Presidential Sexy Parties- the sort of thing that would make Hugh Hefner’s dos look like wine and cheese evenings at Torquemada’s place back in the day- I can’t see anyone objecting too much when I decide that Religious Fundamentalism is now illegal and I’m deporting every Fundie on the planet to Tasmania. 😃 And let’s not forget the UN! Oh, the fun I could have there. _“Hey, Uzbekistan, you’re in my space! MOVE!”_ _“Look, Thailand, I know you’re pissed that you’re not on the Security Council this year, but if we find ourselves invaded by a horde of Elephants that have been at the Kratingdaeng, we’ll call you, alright?”_ _“Mr. Speaker, I wish to submit to the General Assembly Resolution 06369, namely, that Uruguay should change it’s name to UruGLBT…”_ And in a nod to the US’s new International President, I’d also declare that Marmite would be the National Toast Spread, and instead of playing “Hail To The Chief” at National Functions, I’d want to be announced with “The Imperial March”. In short, electing me President of the USA would be uncannily like electing a combination of Zaphod Beeblebrox, Darth Vader, Ren Hoek, and Stewie Griffin as President. In fact, my motto would be: “It’s Good To Be The King.” 😃 I’d give it a fortnight before either the planet was reduced to radioactive wasteland, or I had to decamp to the Bahamas, whilst being pursued by an angry, pitchfork-and-burning-torch brandishing mob… ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/38 "2006-03-22T01:14:27Z")
> [@Lissa](#): > > _If I were president > I’d get elected on Friday > Assasinated on Saturday > Buried on Sunday_ And that was the end of President Grundy! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/39 "2006-03-22T01:22:04Z")
Hmmm…hard to say. Having almost absolute power, there’s so much good I could get done… …On the other hand, Caligula, Stalin, Hitler, Mao, and Pol Pot had comparable power, and since they were all monsters and/or screwups, all they ended up doing was setting back civilization and generally shafting humanity in general. So I’d be wary of taking up the reins of command if I wasn’t sure of my own abilities. The American people and the world at large probably wouldn’t like my policies, either. (What little of them I could actually push through, I mean…it’s not like I could just sign an executive order legalizing gay marriage, and follow it up by ordering the U.S. prison population “liquidated” in celebration.) ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2006, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208/40 "2006-03-22T01:25:33Z")
> [@Martini Enfield](#): > > …snip… > In short, electing me President of the USA would be uncannily like electing a combination of Zaphod Beeblebrox, Darth Vader, Ren Hoek, and Stewie Griffin as President. In fact, my motto would be: “It’s Good To Be The King.” 😃 > > I’d give it a fortnight before either the planet was reduced to radioactive wasteland, or I had to decamp to the Bahamas, whilst being pursued by an angry, pitchfork-and-burning-torch brandishing mob… Boy you are a Furrinner. This is America, no pitchforks and torches. Pickup trucks and Shotguns here. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-guaranteed-to-win-the-next-us-presidential-election-would-you-run/349208.md?page=3)