# You are not my lawyer. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 15, 2013, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373 "2013-02-15T05:19:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/1 "2013-02-15T05:19:37Z")
You are not my lawyer. I don’t want you to be my lawyer. You aren’t licensed to practice law in my state. You do not represent me. You have no client-lawyer relationship with me. I am not retaining you as my lawyer. I don’t want you to ever be my lawyer. Do not assume in any way that you are my lawyer. I will assume you are not a lawyer even if you are a lawyer. Even if you offer legal advice I will assume you are not a lawyer. I don’t want a lawyer. I don’t need a lawyer. I am not going to get a lawyer. If you happen to be my lawyer I am going to get a new lawyer. ---
**Author:** ![Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/278dde/32.png) [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runs_With_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/2 "2013-02-15T05:44:23Z")
Can I still have a retainer? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/3 "2013-02-15T05:49:28Z")
Are you my mummy? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/4 "2013-02-15T05:56:38Z")
I think the relevant question here is who’s your shrink? ---
**Author:** ![Alley\_Dweller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alley_dweller/32/430_2.png) [@Alley\_Dweller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alley_Dweller)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/5 "2013-02-15T06:51:04Z")
> [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > Can I still have a retainer? I am not your orthodontist. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/6 "2013-02-15T07:05:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Are you my mummy? I need to stay off Facebook, I instantly went for a " like" button. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/7 "2013-02-15T07:26:25Z")
In my youth, I took to the law, ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/8 "2013-02-15T07:34:44Z")
Can I not be your podiatrist instead? ---
**Author:** ![Fiveroptic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiveroptic/32/8257_2.png) [@Fiveroptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiveroptic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/9 "2013-02-15T07:44:43Z")
You prefer to be his proctologist? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/10 "2013-02-15T08:41:23Z")
As your lawyer, I deny everything you just said and keep being your lawyer. Yes, I can do that; It comes with the power of attorney I acquired when I became your lawyer. When and how did I become your lawyer? I’m sorry, that information is covered by a non-disclosure agreement I signed in your name. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/11 "2013-02-15T09:48:46Z")
This is my lawyer. There are many like him, but this one is mine. My lawyer is my best friend. He is my life. I must master him as I must master my life. My lawyer, without me, is useless. Without my lawyer, I am useless. I must instruct my lawyer to sue. I must sue faster than my enemy who is trying to sue me. I must sue him before he sues me. I will… My lawyer and I know that what counts in this litigation is not the motions we file, the noise of our arguments, or the hours we bill. We know that it is the wins that count. We will win… My lawyer is human, even as I, because he is my life. Thus, I will learn him as a brother. I will learn his weaknesses, his strength, his parts and his accessories. I will keep my lawyer clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will… Before God, I swear this creed. My lawyer and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until victory is America’s and there is no enemy but peace! ---
**Author:** ![Double\_Foolscap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85e7bf/32.png) [@Double\_Foolscap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Double_Foolscap)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/12 "2013-02-15T10:07:19Z")
This is my lawyer, this is my gun, This is for suing, this is for fun. In all seriousness, I can get you a restraining order, but you’ll have to settle the tab I set up five years ago. You can pay me in moon coins or FancyLand FunBux. Plus, why didn’t you come to my son’s confirmation? As his godparent, you were expected. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/13 "2013-02-15T10:57:11Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > As your lawyer, I deny everything you just said and keep being your lawyer. Yes, I can do that; It comes with the power of attorney I acquired when I became your lawyer. > > When and how did I become your lawyer? I’m sorry, that information is covered by a non-disclosure agreement I signed in your name. Oh yeah? I have the power of ten attorneys. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/14 "2013-02-15T22:20:32Z")
Okay, I’m not your lawyer. Question is: Whose your Daddy? ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/15 "2013-02-15T22:44:29Z")
Of course I’m not your lawyer. I’m an actuary. I’m fully credentialed for property and casualty actuarial practice in your state. And, I’m _your_ actuary. Whether you like it or not. How do I know this? Simple–Do you have another actuary? No, I thought not. Therefore, I am your actuary. Now, then. Let’s forecast your insurance losses for the coming year. I forecast that you will have lots of liability losses, because you don’t have a lawyer. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/16 "2013-02-15T23:05:15Z")
My lawyer is not begging for it it does not want you to rip it off me or pull it down. My lawyer is not a legal reason for raping me although it has been before it will not hold up in the new court. My lawyer, believe it or not has nothing to do with you. My lawyer is about discovering the power of my lower calves about cool autumn air traveling up my inner thighs about allowing everything I see or pass or feel to live inside. My lawyer is my defiance I will not let you make me afraid My lawyer is not showing off this is who I am before you made me cover it or tone it down. Get used to it. My lawyer is happiness I can feel myself on the ground. I am here. I am hot. My lawyer is a liberation flag in the legal army I declare these streets, any streets my lawyer’s country. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/17 "2013-02-15T23:33:11Z")
> [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > Can I still have a retainer? [Yes.](http://www.zahnkorrektur-infos.de/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Retainer.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2013, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/18 "2013-02-16T00:09:30Z")
Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I’m well-educated. Well-versed. Now, let’s say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor. ---
**Author:** ![Aquadementia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aquadementia/32/555_2.png) [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2013, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/19 "2013-02-16T00:29:36Z")
But I was working pro-boner. ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2013, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373/20 "2013-02-16T00:32:30Z")
Well, that’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talkin’-guy. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-not-my-lawyer/650373.md?page=2)