# You are space aliens; what do you do when you visit Earth? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 23, 2020, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321 "2020-05-23T00:58:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/21 "2020-05-23T15:40:21Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > 7 Billion Hu-mons & an Onion are what you need to make a Meatloaf. All you need is [one](https://townsquare.media/site/295/files/2012/06/Meat-Loaf.jpg?w=980&q=75). ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/22 "2020-05-23T16:22:33Z")
I would send down a small ship to land in front of the U.N. building. I would send a message that I would address the world media at a specific date and time. I would walk out onto the stage, and give a speech to the TV cameras. Meanwhile, behind me, my underlings would be hauling barrels of KY jelly and crates of rubber gloves into the ship. When my speech was over, I would return to my ship, and return to orbit. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/23 "2020-05-23T16:31:17Z")
“Very funny. But seriously now, take me to your real leader.” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/24 "2020-05-23T17:17:35Z")
An alien lands at a gas station and walks up to one of the two-sided pumps. “Take me to your leader,” he declares. “Take me to your leader!” he repeats. Then he says, “Take your fingers out of your ears so you can hear me!” ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/25 "2020-05-23T17:29:26Z")
I’m not proud of the fact that my answer would be paternalistic. I’d “take over” for humanity’s own good. Eliminate the possibility of war, reduce corruption, combat racism and bigotry, etc. I’d govern, more or less the way the British governed India. It isn’t a good answer. It might even be the wrongest possible answer. But, hey, you asked. ---
**Author:** ![Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmer_j.fudd/32/1211_2.png) [@Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elmer_J.Fudd)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/26 "2020-05-23T18:07:24Z")
I’d let a few of my spacecraft be seen by military pilots, loners, and crackpots. Abduct and probe random humans. Leave crop circles. But leave no conclusive evidence of my species’ existence whatsoever. We ETs just love to fuck with people. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/27 "2020-05-23T18:52:19Z")
By accident I tuned into Fox News first. Then I’d leave since there is clearly no intelligent life on Earth. ---
**Author:** ![DrForrester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@DrForrester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrForrester)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/28 "2020-05-23T20:17:01Z")
I assume you mean that I would be a [Teaser](https://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Teaser). > [@](#): > > find some poor unsuspecting soul whom no one’s going to believe and then strut up and down in front of him wearing silly antennas on their head and making beep beep noises ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/29 "2020-05-23T20:50:05Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > Probing, lots of probing. That’s just foreplay for the tentacle sex. ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/30 "2020-05-23T22:28:49Z")
Euro Disneyland at Paris. It’s the height of human culture. Then leave, with mouse ears. ---
**Author:** ![K2500](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f6c823/32.png) [@K2500](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K2500)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/31 "2020-05-23T23:28:05Z")
Make ourselves known and our capabilities evident. Assign everyone on the planet a random number and a short procedure for creating new numbers for new people, then just leave. They’ll be trying to figure it out for generations. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2020, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/32 "2020-05-23T23:49:37Z")
[Gatorland](https://www.gatorland.com/) I wanted to go a long time and didn’t get to. So now that I’m an alien with a spaceship I can land anywhere I want I’m going to land it at Gatorland. ---
**Author:** ![Quondam\_Mechanic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quondam_mechanic/32/3404_2.png) [@Quondam\_Mechanic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quondam_Mechanic)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/33 "2020-05-24T00:21:25Z")
Do you know how hard it is to get good Cantonese food on Qzyldrp? ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/34 "2020-05-24T02:05:29Z")
Why would I even bother with earth if I’m so capable? Though I might just to unironically quote The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra “Sorry, sometimes my wife forgets that she is not an alien from outer space” ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/35 "2020-05-24T02:11:47Z")
Take in a Broadway show. Hit a blowjob bar in Bangkok. Maybe round it off with Tokyo Disneyland. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/36 "2020-05-24T03:59:45Z")
We would arrive at Earth, locate the \ we were looking for, take it, and leave. Nothing more. After all, if we aliens were all that superior, humans would be unable to do anything to more than annoy us. Do humans care what ants think? Do humans even think about ants, except in the rare cases of studying them or exterminating them when they are obstructive? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/37 "2020-05-24T13:23:33Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > Take in a Broadway show. Hit a blowjob bar in Bangkok. Maybe round it off with Tokyo Disneyland. Any bar can make a blowjob. Why Bangkok? ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/38 "2020-05-24T16:49:46Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > We would arrive at Earth, locate the \ we were looking for, take it, and leave. Nothing more. . . . I really want to tell you about -----ing the -----. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/39 "2020-05-24T21:14:59Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Any bar can make a blowjob. Why Bangkok? They, um, make an “extra special” version there. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2020, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321/40 "2020-05-24T21:50:27Z")
Capture a breeding pool of a few thousand humans from various places around the globe to be sure of having a varied breeding pool, to be transplanted to another planet. Then annihilate the rest, and let the wildlife recover from human domination. Before leaving, upload Wikipedia to preserve a summary of human history and knowledge. Then leave. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-space-aliens-what-do-you-do-when-you-visit-earth/854321.md?page=3)