# You Are Such a Coward. Kiss My Ass. (This is Long) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 7, 2001, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934 "2001-06-07T15:05:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/21 "2001-06-08T14:05:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > As soon as I start licking the middle, I have to eat the whole thing. I may never again be able to look at you without smiling, **jarbabyj**. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/22 "2001-06-08T17:44:49Z")
If you’re still looking for an insidious yet tame thing to do: [li]Vaseline on the windshield.[/li]Just a thin layer, not enough that he would notice, but enough that the first time he uses his wipers… :):D:p ---
**Author:** ![BooBoo316](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@BooBoo316](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BooBoo316)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/23 "2001-06-08T18:19:10Z")
This guy sounds like a total ass. Try this: take off the cap on the air valve of his tire, put a BB in the cap, replace cap, tighten slightly until you hear a hiss, repeat x 4. Flat tires with no permanent damage. PS Regardless of public opinion it is VERY difficult to get a fingerprint off of most objects unless it is a flat surface. ---
**Author:** ![Hibbins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ce73a5/32.png) [@Hibbins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hibbins)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/24 "2001-06-08T21:25:59Z")
Yeah…. Ummm… I don’t think that’s such a good idea either. I was a (random?) victim of such a prank. Unfortunately my car was parked on a slight side slope and it was dark out. Didn’t notice 4 flats, got in, and put car in gear. That doesn’t feel right, or sound right. Stop, get out, and discover that now in addition to four flats, I have four tires that are half off the rim. Even better, one now has a cut sidewall. Simmering rage, cursing of the universe follows, calm returns, police report filed and I shell out about $150 for one new tire and remounting of the other three. ---
**Author:** ![BooBoo316](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@BooBoo316](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BooBoo316)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/25 "2001-06-09T05:57:49Z")
Sorry to hear about that. ☹ A random event is not what we are talking about though. This is REVENGE and if the dick drives off and screws up his tires, so much the better. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/26 "2001-06-09T06:38:41Z")
If you _really, really, really_ want to get back at this guy, here’s what you do: Sooner or later (at least its been my experience) they come back to you with this “let’s just talk and I’ll kind of see if you’ll take me back” attitude, my advice is to play along with him. Make him think that there’s a chance you’ll forgive him, then the moment his retracted testicles pop out enough for him to actually say that he’d like for the two of you to try again, tell him to go to hell. Now, if you want to vandalize his stuff, well, that’s another matter entirely. I wouldn’t recommend it, not because its illegal, but because it rarely has the desired effect. Doing that, you become psycho-bitch in his eyes and risk having him launch a crusade against you. In all honesty, the best revenge is letting time do its own damage to him. Every gal who’s dumped me has found her next boyfriend to be some evil guy, who does things far worse to her than anything I might have done. Cold comfort at best, I’ll admit, but occassionally you get lucky. Had one girlfriend who dumped because she was “totally in love with someone else.” Snort! Turned out all he wanted was a roll in the sack, he got that and never had anything to do with her again! She told me about that, while kind of hinting that she might be interested in getting back together with me. I laughed in her face. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/27 "2001-06-09T06:41:44Z")
I just wanted to point out that that was my 200th post and considering how things have been going in my life of late, it seems utterly appropriate that it was on this thread that I did it. ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/28 "2001-06-09T15:33:51Z")
I couldn’t agree more with Tuckerfan. As a guy, messing up with the car is utterly a sad display of lack of personality to be met with contempt for the psycho-bitch, who can’t cope with it in a better fashion than to get “even”. Not that it ever happened to me. This is much better advice, do it at the first chance. > [@](#): > > If you really, really, really want to get back at this guy, here’s what you do: Sooner or later (at least its been my experience) they come back to you with this “let’s just talk and I’ll kind of see if you’ll take me back” attitude, my advice is to play along with him. Make him think that there’s a chance you’ll forgive him, then the moment his retracted testicles pop out enough for him to actually say that he’d like for the two of you to try again, tell him to go to hell. When he has a bad moment he will most likely come back to you for confort, in the sack hopefuly. There’s your chance to get back at him. Show you don’t think it’s a good idea but your falling for him again and when he tries to do something kick him anywhere but the balls. And I say this just because he dumped you online, what a fucking loser. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/29 "2001-06-09T20:22:26Z")
Forget about him, meet a great new guy, spend the rest of your life with him, and never think about Mr. I Don’t Have A Big Enough Dick to Dump You In Person again. Then, when you meet him 10 years from now as you’re strolling arm in arm with your successful, handsome, adoring mate, you can say “Hi! How have you been? I haven’t thought about you in 10 years!” and when he answers “Well, I haven’t been doing so well. The last 10 years have been pretty bad.” you can pretty much laugh in his face and walk away. Check and mate. ---
**Author:** ![hazel-rah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/73ab20/32.png) [@hazel-rah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hazel-rah)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/30 "2001-06-09T21:47:43Z")
> [@](#): > > **jarbabyj** : Honestly, what the fuck is lower than breaking up with someone via instant messenger? Phil Collins letting his wife know they were getting a divorce by [sending her a fax](http://www.zoom.com.my/entertainment/sounds/oct96/soct02.html)? You have my sympathy, **Searching for Truth**. -fh ---
**Author:** ![Scotticher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Scotticher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scotticher)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/31 "2001-06-09T21:50:25Z")
Forgiveness is always good, honey. Holding a grudge hurts you more than it hurts him. ---
**Author:** ![Scruff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Scruff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scruff)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/32 "2001-06-10T02:50:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*I’d be a failure at the Oreo idea. > > As soon as I start licking the middle, I have to eat the whole thing. > > jarbaby \*\* I think you should just retire, jarbabyj. I don’t think you’ll top this one. ---
**Author:** ![Rock-n-Rolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/22d042/32.png) [@Rock-n-Rolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rock-n-Rolga)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/33 "2001-06-10T06:58:52Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Tuckerfan \* > …then the moment his retracted testicles pop out enough for him to actually say that he’d like for the two of you to try again…_\* **Tuckerfan** , that was an excellent post with great advice overall, but that one line cracked me up so hard I had to bury my face in my hands in order to not wake the neighbors with my nerdy “hur hur hur” laughing. It’s just the visual I got from it–the sight (and sound!) of someone’s retracted testicles popping out-- _hur hur hur_ Aw, there I go again… ---
**Author:** ![Shogun\_Haircut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Shogun\_Haircut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shogun_Haircut)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/34 "2001-06-10T19:20:25Z")
If you were going to be out of the country in a few days, or if he thought you were out of the country, but weren’, you could pull off some awesome pranks, and he would just be left wondering, who the fuck did that. I’d advise getting someone to tp his house, or the whole spoork in the yard thing, while your in mehico. Even better if you can get them to prank him on ur birthday. Be sure they take pictures. ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/35 "2001-06-10T20:12:28Z")
Agree to nix the revenge thingy, unless maybe you want to do it a year from now. By that time, he won’t know who’s after his ass! 😃 Seriously, if this is baby-boy’s idea of a mature relationship, you’ve already won. He’s out of your life. I know a woman who seems constitutionally unable to learn from her past relationships. She ignores the warning signs again and again, although she is starting to dig in her heels against some of the more blatant assholisms. But the cost of the divorces in money and emotion are pretty awesome to behold. And let me second **Blinking Duck** ’s advice. He’s right on target. Inconsistent behavior in a relationship is a bad sign, and a man who doesn’t have to balls to talk to you about why he’s feeling this way isn’t much of a man. Great rant, too! ---
**Author:** ![Tsugumo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@Tsugumo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tsugumo)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934/36 "2001-06-10T23:44:27Z")
If you do the spork thing, get a marker and draw angry faces on all of them before you put them out…Imagine a lawn full of [http://tsugumo.cjb.net/junk/spork.gif](http://tsugumo.cjb.net/junk/spork.gif) - Tsugumo (randomly posting because I just happened to have a picture of a spork with an angry face on it and I’ll never get to use it for anything else again) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-are-such-a-coward-kiss-my-ass-this-is-long/67934.md?page=1)