# You Can't Pick Your Neighbours (Nose. warning: long post) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 8, 2003, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716 "2003-02-08T16:03:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/21 "2003-02-09T17:37:41Z")
I think those that are saying that you will need to say something directly to her are right. She sounds like she may be mentally ill and has no idea of normal social behavior, and so will never get any of the hints you are throwing her way. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/22 "2003-02-09T17:38:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by senor \* > \*\*Your post made no sense what so ever. > > Boogie on. \*\* Uh…yeah. Get back to us when you sober up. ---
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/23 "2003-02-09T18:31:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > \*\*The police also said that they knew about her, and at least once they took her away to a mental hospital. She would come back and for a while she’d be on her medication and do ok… but then it would all start up again… \*\* I think that you hit the twisted nail right on the head. When someone like **ladydisco’s** neighbor exhibits such inappropriate behavior, it could very well signal a personality or mood disorder. Calling her loony is offensive to me and everyone else who deals with this on a daily basis. Maybe not answering the door is the best thing afterall. I just hope the poor lady has some family or friends somewhere who care enough to see her get the help that she needs. Beckwall, who has been to the darkside and lived to tell about it ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/24 "2003-02-09T19:47:08Z")
I’m loony and medicated. I think loony is a fairly accurate descriptive word, and I don’t find it offensive. I’ve bitten cops. ---
**Author:** ![nogginhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5e9695/32.png) [@nogginhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nogginhead)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/25 "2003-02-09T21:04:38Z")
I’m with the ‘avoidance is a valid coping strategy’ crowd. I wouldn’t go as far as moving, unless there seems like a possibility of violence, but I think it’s no use explaining to this woman that she’s wierd. She knows it. She needs professional help, not your helpful advice. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/26 "2003-02-09T22:13:05Z")
Well, confrontation doesn’t have to be rude. You could just say, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to hear about your sex life. That’s a little too explicit for me, mmmkay?” ---
**Author:** ![Stephi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stephi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stephi)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/27 "2003-02-10T00:39:30Z")
You know, I hear Sandy Hill is a nice neighborhood. 🙂 But seriously, next time she does that, just say, real bitchy, “Excuse me, but talking about your sex life is extremely rude!” ---
**Author:** ![Stephi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stephi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stephi)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/28 "2003-02-10T00:40:52Z")
Of course, I say this having moved from my last place to escape rampant homophobia, so take this with a grain of salt. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CuriousCanuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@CuriousCanuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CuriousCanuck)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/29 "2003-02-10T00:43:14Z")
I liked Sandy Hill… then I moved to the Glebe. Now I’m in Westboro. Getting better every time. 🙂 Of course that might jsut mean I’m getting more yuppie with every passing moment… LD: any update? ---
**Author:** ![ladydisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@ladydisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladydisco)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/30 "2003-02-10T00:51:19Z")
Nope. Well, I guess the update is that I’ve decided to tell her that she is too intense for me and that she gives me more info than I want. I’ll just have to pick an appropriate time. Some of you had really helpful suggestions. (To the Pissy Posters - a pox on your house.) I loove where I live in Nepean, btw. We moved here on very short notice, so we couldn’t be too choosy about where we moved to. I’m really grateful for all the facilities and shopping around this area. Score! ---
**Author:** ![White\_Lightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@White\_Lightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Lightning)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/31 "2003-02-11T01:00:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by \*\*CuriousCanuck \*\*\* > and White Lightning sometimes the direct approach isn’t always the best thing to do. though I am sure if you were here you would be able to solve it with your mere frightning presense. Assuming you could get your ego to fit with you on the plane to get here. :rolleyes: > [@](#): > > LD: if avoiding her doesn’t work, maybe try telling her that you are realyl busy but that you will call her when you have a chance, hoping she takes the hint. Because the woman seems like such a _perceptive_ creature, just drop a hint and she’ll pick right up on it, eh? Like I said before. If this kind of crap is what you _want_ in your life, by all means go on encouraging it. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by \*\*featherlou \*\*\* > **White Lightning** , what you might be experiencing here is called “a different culture”. Just because you can get McDonalds in Canada doesn’t mean that we’re exactly the same as the United States. We don’t automatically think of confrontation as a solution to every problem. I don’t quite see fast food cuisine as analogous, but I’ve never been to Canada so I can’t really say if the situation is as you describe. Please be assured, though, that “we” also don’t automatically think of confrontation as a solution to every problem, and neither do I. I don’t see avoidance and wishful thinking as a solution to the particular problem described in the OP and subsequent responses, but evidently on that score YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![White\_Lightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@White\_Lightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Lightning)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/32 "2003-02-11T01:03:06Z")
**featherlou** : Sorry, I _totally_ misunderstood your post that I quoted above. You’re clearly not making an analogy to fast food. I’m not a total idiot, I just play one on TV. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by \*\*ladydisco \*\*\* > I need to grow up? I’m not the one with unacceptable behaviour. How the fuck does this imply that I’m ‘back in high school’? Just because I would prefer to avoid confrontation doesn’t mean I’m childish. Not by any stretch. If it comes down to it, I will tell her what I think, but I’d prefer not to deal with her at all. What, exactly, would you do? Well, yeah. To me it speaks to a certain level of immaturity when a person is unable to squarely deal with their problems. Sure, her behavior is inappropriate, but you’re the one encouraging what you describe as the problem by not acting like she’s done anything wrong. I understand that it makes for a very awkward and uncomfortable situation, but given that you’ve become aware that it’s a recurring problem, at some point you need to gird yourself for confrontation and just do it. The next time she starts squawking some crap about nude photos or pleasuring herself, make it clear that her behavior is inappropriate. Covering up for her with non sequiturs about performing artists and breakfast cereals just entrenches the problem because she goes home thinking she’s finally found someone she can level with, and when the inevitable happens it’s only more perplexing to her. Had you behaved consistently from the start, ridding yourself of her would have been easier because you’d never have tolerated her bizarre actions. And no, mature people do not make a practice of hiding in their houses when people they know are knocking on the door and probably know they’re home anyway. In my sole opinion. What, exactly, would I do? I’m sure I’d have reacted the same way you did, at least the first couple times. And it always seems like the easiest solution is just to not interact with the offender any more. You seemed to have hit on that idea rapidly enough. But you followed up that promising start by voluntarily stopping on the street to strike up a conversation with her (bad idea #1) and then letting her into your house when she was already drunk at 11 in the morning (staggeringly bad idea #2). The full story isn’t told in the OP but apparently you spent a good part of that day in this woman’s company. _That_, to me, speaks to an unwillingness to confront the situation. That and the fact that you virtually invited her back into your life after having decided not to let her be a part of it and then ran to the board all aflutter over this terrible person who was forcing her bizarre and inappropriate behavior on you. And I wouldn’t have come at it so strongly except that you had already been offered some good advice, which you subsequently ignored, preferring instead to hem and haw over ‘oh, whatever shall I do’? So, in short, yes. That seems childish to me. You know what needs to be done (knew, in fact), and you don’t want to do it. But what’s one person’s opinion? Anyway, my attitude seems out of place in this thread, so I’ll just go ahead and take it with me and get out of your way. ---
**Author:** ![CuriousCanuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@CuriousCanuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CuriousCanuck)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/33 "2003-02-11T01:07:55Z")
White Lightning… I still do not agree with everything you wrote, but rereading what you quoted on my post from me… well eyerolls were deserved. Sorry - that was uncalled for on my part. ---
**Author:** ![Triss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Triss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triss)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/34 "2003-02-11T01:17:32Z")
FWIW **ladydisco** , sometimes the amount of bullshit in your life is directly proportional to the amount you are willing to suffer. Ya just gotta stand up and say “Push off, looney-toons!”. In your own words, of course, but make sure that she can’t misunderstand. Unless, of course, you do want to end up looking after her kid, being her only friend or moving? ---
**Author:** ![White\_Lightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@White\_Lightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Lightning)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/35 "2003-02-11T02:15:21Z")
**Triss** : again, pure poetry. And it took me what, 10 paragraphs to dance around that idea? **CuriousCanuck** , no harm done. Cheers. ---
**Author:** ![nogginhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5e9695/32.png) [@nogginhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nogginhead)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/36 "2003-02-11T03:06:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by White Lightning \* > \*\*Well, yeah. To me it speaks to a certain level of immaturity when a person is unable to squarely deal with their problems. > \*\* [hijack] Different people have different means of coping with problems. What appeals to someone who describes themselves as “white lightning” may not work for someone who describes themselves as “Clark Kent”. Avoidance can be the best way to solve a problem. For instance, it can save a lot of hurt feelings on all sides, even if it is more work than a direct approach. A direct approach to all problems can also be a sign of immaturity. Check out preschoolers’ interactions when they think no adult is watching. [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![White\_Lightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@White\_Lightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Lightning)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2003, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716/37 "2003-02-11T03:26:13Z")
Very good point **nogginhead**. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-cant-pick-your-neighbours-nose-warning-long-post/153716.md?page=1)