# You find yourself in control of a space ship. Where do you land it?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [September 15, 2015, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327 "2015-09-15T04:21:51Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/1 "2015-09-15T04:21:51Z")
I’ve never been one for elaborate backstories so here’s the basic plot.
The alien grays or lizards or whoever is the flavor of the week have abducted you and taken you on their ship to the dark side of the moon for an intimate examination. You manage to contact your inner Bruce Willis, Will Smith or Milla Jovovich and take over the ship, terminating with extreme prejudice all of the crew with any combat abilities. The only ones you’ve spared are the few drone types needed for navigation, communications, and engine room maintenance duties.
Now you have your very own UFO to tour the solar system with. Sorry, no supra-light capabilities. It was dropped off by a carrier for a three year research tour and momma’s not due back for a while.
You’ve kicked around and checked the monolith in Tycho and the pyramids on Mars. Now you’re tired of playing space tourist and it’s time to land on good old Terra firma. The comm gear is capable of sending and receiving on any frequency from AM to the latest Encrypted Frequency Hopping Spread Spectrum equipment used by the military. With a convenient universal translator so you can actually have a conversation with whomever you dialed up. You’ve also got the personal cell phone numbers of all the world leaders because the aliens make the NSA look like script kiddies.
So what’s it going to be? The White House Lawn? Munich? Taj Mahal? Start the biggest auction in eBay history? What ya gonna do?
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### Author:  [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/2 "2015-09-15T04:32:35Z")
Westboro Baptist Church. Let 'em explain that one.
You said nothing about the ship’s weaponry so I’d rather land in the US.
Not going near the Middle East or Russia.
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### Author:  [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/3 "2015-09-15T04:46:20Z")
No ship based weapons other than the stun system for the acquisition of hominids and bovines. Crew weapons seemed to be based on some sort of neural disruption effect that is adjustable from stun to death. No disintegrators, phasers, or disrupters.
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### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/4 "2015-09-15T04:48:16Z")
The lawn in DC. Step out and holler, “Klaatu barada nikto, bitches.”
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### Author:  [@brovolone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brovolone)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/5 "2015-09-15T04:53:44Z")
Giorgio Tsoukalos’ driveway.
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### Author:  [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/6 "2015-09-15T04:55:44Z")
Area 51 Alien Cathouse
Amargosa Valley, NV
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### Author:  [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/7 "2015-09-15T06:23:51Z")
Area 51!
Or maybe the East River, right by the United Nations building. Let all the world’s countries fight over it…
The center of Antarctica: “Come and GET it!”
Taunt and tease: almost land in Red Square, then almost land in Tienanmen square, then almost land in Times Square. Then boost again and keep playing.
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### Author:  [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/8 "2015-09-15T09:02:49Z")
Is the ship resistant to Earth weaponry?
Is it like the Enterprise and can go under water, or like the Planet Express Ship, and rated for between zero and one atmosphere?
Stealthy or lights up light a Christmas tree?
I’d have to troll some Oklahoma yokels or some hillbillies or something before I let the ship be really known, though.
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### Author:  [@Stoneburg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoneburg)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/9 "2015-09-15T11:48:42Z")
It’s so obvious. Land outside of Scarlett Johanssons house and ask if she wants to go for a spin in your new space ship. Also tell her that Space Protocol requires she wear her Black Widow uniform onboard. Swing by a deli to get some snacks, and then ask her where she wants to go, and **absolutely stay away from all the Uranus jokes**. You’re a Space Captain now, act like it.
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### Author:  [@Gothic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gothic)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/10 "2015-09-15T12:30:04Z")
Roswell, New Mexico. They have a diner with great waitresses, plenty of hot sauce, and the infrastructure to handle the merchandising.
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### Author:  [@The\_Angry\_Badger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Angry_Badger)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/11 "2015-09-15T12:30:23Z")
> [@Balthisar](#):
>
> I’d have to troll some Oklahoma yokels or some hillbillies or something before I let the ship be really known, though.
> [@Trinopus](#):
>
> Taunt and tease: almost land in Red Square, then almost land in Tienanmen square, then almost land in Times Square. Then boost again and keep playing.
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#):
>
> The lawn in DC. Step out and holler, “Klaatu barada nikto, bitches.”
This.
Given control of the most advanced technology the world has ever seen, juvenile trolling and general dickishness is the only reasonable option. 😃
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### Author:  [@Stoneburg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoneburg)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/12 "2015-09-15T13:51:14Z")
> [@The\_Angry\_Badger](#):
>
> This.
>
> Given control of the most advanced technology the world has ever seen, juvenile trolling and general dickishness is the only reasonable option. 😃
QFT
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### Author:  [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/13 "2015-09-15T14:18:29Z")
> [@Balthisar](#):
>
> Is the ship resistant to Earth weaponry?
>
> Is it like the Enterprise and can go under water, or like the Planet Express Ship, and rated for between zero and one atmosphere?
>
> Stealthy or lights up light a Christmas tree?
>
> I’d have to troll some Oklahoma yokels or some hillbillies or something before I let the ship be really known, though.
The ship has an ECM suite that’s literally light years beyond anything we’re prepared to deal with. No radar, lidar, or IR signature, visual tracking only. Any missiles that do get within effective range will suffer catastrophic systems failures. Ballistic weapons are a threat though so you’ll have a real bad time if you get within range of a Phalanx gun or a Vulcan cannon. Most of the samples we have in Area 51 made that mistake. Not rated for submersion and no visual cloaking. Lighting on par with a search and rescue helicopter so you’ve got running lights and spotlights. No Close Encounters light shows. You would have to nick the mothership for that.
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/14 "2015-09-15T14:37:30Z")
I would tool around for awhile, then land in Helsinki, Finland in mid September, 2017 for the 75th World Science Fiction Convention. A trick like that would probably get me a lifetime pass and free drinks, don’tcha think? 😃
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### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/15 "2015-09-15T15:04:59Z")
> [@The\_Angry\_Badger](#):
>
> This.
>
> Given control of the most advanced technology the world has ever seen, juvenile trolling and general dickishness is the only reasonable option. 😃
That’s CAPTAIN Dickishness to you, Ensign Badger!
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### Author:  [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/16 "2015-09-15T15:10:38Z")
Right outside the mansion where the Heaven’s Gate suicide happened. I’d linger there for a couple minutes as if I was waiting for people to come out and board. Then pull away.
This is horrifically irresponsible.
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### Author:  [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/17 "2015-09-15T15:31:06Z")
Grow a beard, put on a robe, land on a sidewalk somewhere, give a sermon, and leave.
People will gather and build a shrine at the site.
They always worship the walk He grounds on.
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### Author:  [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/18 "2015-09-15T15:45:02Z")
Arrowhead stadium, Kansas City MO
Thursday Evening September 17th during halftime.
I want at least 70,000 live witnesses and live TV to see me get off of the ship.
You people are crazy thinking about landing at area 51, military bases, DC etc.
If you do something like that the “official” report may state that there were no humans on board and you may end up as a dissection experiment noted in a folder in the X files.
A big public event would at least give me a chance to survive.
Also, I could probably snag a ride to my house from there.
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### Author:  [@The\_Angry\_Badger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Angry_Badger)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/19 "2015-09-15T15:47:51Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#):
>
> That’s CAPTAIN Dickishness to you, Ensign Badger!
Yessir. Sorry Sir.
_Gives you the finger as you turn your back_
> [@Jragon](#):
>
> This is horrifically irresponsible.
If by ‘horrifically irresponsible’, you mean ‘amazingly, hilariously awesome’, then yes. You’re right. 😛
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### Author:  [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)
#### Post date: [September 15, 2015, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-find-yourself-in-control-of-a-space-ship-where-do-you-land-it/731327/20 "2015-09-15T16:44:02Z")
Question.
Does our ship have the appropriate orifice probes on board? The heavy duty kind?
Because if it does, I’m thinking Trump Towers and, well, you fill in the rest.
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