# You got someone a book for Christmas, Ok to read it before giving it to them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 2, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315 "2013-12-02T22:39:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![nate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nate/32/13085_2.png) [@nate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nate)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/141 "2013-12-04T17:28:58Z")
Put me down as thinking that buying a book for a gift and reading it first is extremely tacky. If someone handed me a book as a gift and then immediately told me they just read it, the gift would mean a lot less to me. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/142 "2013-12-04T17:43:01Z")
For all the people who think reading the book beforehand is fine and dandy, let me ask you about a situation that happened in my family. A few years ago, my grandmother bought my mom a book for her birthday. Grandma told Mom about the book on her birthday, and said she’d just finished reading it so she knew it was good. Mom couldn’t actually have the book for another week or so, though, \*because my aunt was still reading it. \* Can we at least all agree this is an assy maneuver? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/143 "2013-12-04T17:57:02Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > For all the people who think reading the book beforehand is fine and dandy, let me ask you about a situation that happened in my family. A few years ago, my grandmother bought my mom a book for her birthday. Grandma told Mom about the book on her birthday, and said she’d just finished reading it so she knew it was good. Mom couldn’t actually have the book for another week or so, though, \*because my aunt was still reading it. \* > > Can we at least all agree this is an assy maneuver? I think my jaw would drop open and I would stand there unable to say anything, trying to process how anyone could think that was an acceptable way to give someone else a gift. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/144 "2013-12-04T18:17:00Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > My motives matter to me. If that’s mystical, so be it. No question, your motives are important to you. The issue is whether this is an adequate basis to lay down principles of universal application. I suggest that, unless some sort of argument or justification for why this matters can be communicated in the form of an argument (as opposed to an assertion), it will not be convincing to those who do not believe as you do already. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/145 "2013-12-04T18:19:32Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > The issue is whether this is an adequate basis to lay down principles of universal application. My ethics are my own, and yes, I get to judge you by them. I haven’t said you have to do something according to my ethics lest you be jailed or anything approaching that. But I won’t say that you get to do whatever and not be judged. I don’t have to convince you that I’m right in order to judge you. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/146 "2013-12-04T18:22:03Z")
I’ve been thinking about it, and I would like to address the “consumerism” angle - I think those of you who are accusing others of being consumerist because they wouldn’t read a book first before making a gift of it to someone are getting different issues confused. I think the issue we are discussing here is about etiquette; a personal philosophy about consumerism doesn’t enter into it. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/147 "2013-12-04T18:25:29Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > I restricted it to how I interpreted the OP, which is what I have been responding to. Other situations are other situations. I’m not attempting to argue all of them, just the one. I’m not sure how else to articulate why I believe it’s wrong, other than to say that using something for your own enjoyment, which is intended to be a gift for someone else, is inherently selfish. That’s not how the argument has progressed though. I’ve been very clear, I think, in saying that “it depends on the situation” and “you can’t make any hard and fast rules” is my position - also, that the sceario in the OP is tacky. So are we really disagreeing on anything? If we are going down the road of assessing selfishness, does it then matter whether you are (a) reading the book because, well, you wanna, or (b) you are reading the book to make sure it is the sort of book little Timmy would like [which I acknowledge isn’t the OP’s scenario]? Because I’m not seeing why (b) is “selfish”. > [@](#): > > I take back the “justify your behavior” part. What I meant is that there is a lot of moving of goalposts to explain why it’s okay, when I’m really only focused on the one specific scenario. (As defined in the OP.) That’s purely in response to a lot of posts laying down a hard and fast rule - no reading before giving - which strikes a lot of us as absurd: ‘of course [in all these situations A, B and C] reading before giving is OK’. > [@](#): > > Lastly, in an effort of full disclosure, I totally think it’s gross to have other people handle my books\*! I’m strange! I know it! I wig out when I flip the page and see a thumb-smudge or food stain. (Aaaaahh!) If I buy something at a book store, I’ll take five from the back of the shelf and pick the most pristine one. If the cover is bent or a page is dogeared, I don’t buy it. Fair enough. I have no problems buying books at a bookstore, but I acknowledge others may. > [@](#): > > Edited to add: You’re right that to the recipient, it might not matter if you’ve read the book or not. I believe it should to you, though. Depends on circumstances. I’ve read books before giving them and intend to in the future without the slightest qualm - because I know my own motives. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/148 "2013-12-04T18:29:03Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Depends on circumstances. I’ve read books before giving them and intend to in the future without the slightest qualm - because I know my own motives. If you knew reading them ahead of time bothered the recipient, would you still do it, or is it only your own motives that are in play? ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/149 "2013-12-04T18:29:04Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > My ethics are my own, and yes, I get to judge you by them. I haven’t said you have to do something according to my ethics lest you be jailed or anything approaching that. But I won’t say that you get to do whatever and not be judged. I don’t have to convince you that I’m right in order to judge you. Fair enough. The difference is, I can articulate my position, and provide a justification for it. Apparently, you can’t, or won’t. Which makes your judgment, in my opinion, unreliable. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/150 "2013-12-04T18:32:46Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > If you knew reading them ahead of time bothered the recipient, would you still do it, or is it only your own motives that are in play? Sure, if I knew the person I was giving to had such a concern, I would respect that. Like where **Lowdown** above says he’s got a phobia of fiction bought in bookstores, I’d make sure not to buy him a book bought in a bookstore - even if he would never know the difference, it would still be better not to. Same with buying an Orthodox Jewish friend something that isn’t certified Kosher, even if he’d never know the difference - why do that? Edit: him or her, in the above. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/151 "2013-12-04T18:33:24Z")
For years as a kid I’d buy my Mum the latest in a series we both read every Christmas- it never even occurred to me to read it first. I could borrow it after she’d finished, but if I wanted to read it first, I’d buy myself a copy. I’ve given second hand books as presents on occasion, but even then I never do more than check through for damage. After all, if being the first to read it is important, then that’s part of the gift, and if it’s not- well, then surely you can wait, no? If you have an agreement otherwise, or you want to make sure a kids’ book is suitable or have another good reason for doing so, then go ahead, but just reading it because you want to, that seems tacky to me. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/152 "2013-12-04T18:34:44Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Seems awfully mystical to me. Assigning some sort of inherent gift-ness in the act of purchase, as opposed to the act of careful selection. Given that the recipient is likely to notice the selection, rather than the purchase-status, I’d submit that as far as the recipient is concerned the former is more important than the latter. Yes, the recipient may not even notice. That’s not the point. The way I was taught about gifts does not allow me to give, as a gift, a book from my personal library. And a book that was purchased and read by me is part of my personal library. It is acceptable to be given or loaned on a “hey, I know you like stories about X and this was a great X story” basis, but it cannot be a birthday or christmas present. It would make me feel as though I didn’t value the relationship enough to go to an effort for them. If it’s getting wrapped, I don’t use it myself, first. However, it’s totally cool to give someone a book as a gift, wait for them to have read it and then borrow it back to read yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/153 "2013-12-04T18:36:35Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Fair enough. > > The difference is, I can articulate my position, and provide a justification for it. Apparently, you can’t, or won’t. Which makes your judgment, in my opinion, unreliable. You haven’t though. You’ve simply opined that it’s not a relevant part of gift giving. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/154 "2013-12-04T18:37:34Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > … > My friend brought the idea up as a discussion at dinner that night and said that **neither girl seemed think there was anything wrong with it** as long as you didn’t damage the book in anyway, like cracking the spine. > … Let’s not forget that the potential recipient in the OP thinks there is nothing wrong with it. If even the person receiving the book doesn’t mind, why should anyone else? ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/155 "2013-12-04T18:39:55Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Yes, the recipient may not even notice. That’s not the point. The way I was taught about gifts does not allow me to give, as a gift, a book from my personal library. And a book that was purchased and read by me is part of my personal library. It is acceptable to be given or loaned on a “hey, I know you like stories about X and this was a great X story” basis, but it cannot be a birthday or christmas present. It would make me feel as though I didn’t value the relationship enough to go to an effort for them. If it’s getting wrapped, I don’t use it myself, first. > > However, it’s totally cool to give someone a book as a gift, wait for them to have read it and then borrow it back to read yourself. Seems to me the issue is what is the “effort”. To my mind, the main “effort” lies in the careful selection of what to give. Buying another copy isn’t really the main “effort”, these days all it requires is clicking on [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com). ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/156 "2013-12-04T18:40:08Z")
Huh! Had a friend pick up an old used copy of The Iliad from a “leave a book take a book” bins at a local coffee shop and gift it to me later for my birthday. I was enthralled with it as it was a translation I hadn’t read before from way back and the book smelled wonderful. He said he’d picked it up for me for exactly those reasons - he knows me well. I don’t really get the problem with used books as gifts, in any form - be it bought from the store, off your personal shelf, or by happenstance as you accidentally get drawn into a book you bought for someone else. Delaying the gift-giving because you’re still in the middle of the book? That’s a bit tacky. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/157 "2013-12-04T18:41:55Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > You haven’t though. You’ve simply opined that it’s not a relevant part of gift giving. You think it is really fair, reading over my posts, to claim I haven’t articulated my reasons? Not that you disagree with them, but that I haven’t articulated any? ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/158 "2013-12-04T18:47:34Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Depends on circumstances. I’ve read books before giving them and intend to in the future without the slightest qualm - because I know my own motives. But are you going to gift-wrap them? Are we all talking about the same thing? We all give books away after reading them, but do we wrap them up and present them for birthdays and Christmas? ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/159 "2013-12-04T18:51:38Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > You think it is really fair, reading over my posts, to claim I haven’t articulated my reasons? Not that you disagree with them, but that I haven’t articulated any? I think that you have articulated as much as say, jsgoddess has. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315/160 "2013-12-04T19:21:57Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > That’s not how the argument has progressed though. I’ve been very clear, I think, in saying that “it depends on the situation” and “you can’t make any hard and fast rules” is my position - also, that the sceario in the OP is tacky. So are we really disagreeing on anything? > > If we are going down the road of assessing selfishness, does it then matter whether you are (a) reading the book because, well, you wanna, or (b) you are reading the book to make sure it is the sort of book little Timmy would like [which I acknowledge isn’t the OP’s scenario]? > > Because I’m not seeing why (b) is “selfish”. > > … > > That’s purely in response to a lot of posts laying down a hard and fast rule - no reading before giving - which strikes a lot of us as absurd: ‘of course [in all these situations A, B and C] reading before giving is OK’. No, I don’t think we’re disagreeing on anything. Yes the motive matters. No, (b) is not selfish. I’m not sure anyone has laid down a -no reading before giving, ever- rule. I’m guessing (and may very well be completely wrong) that most everyone arguing against are arguing against a specific scenario or scenarios. Edit: (I’m a he.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-got-someone-a-book-for-christmas-ok-to-read-it-before-giving-it-to-them/675315.md?page=9)