# You had a funeral for a loved one. Was it a social necessity, or was it for your benefit? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2014, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709 "2014-05-05T14:12:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/41 "2014-05-09T18:21:19Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > I’m always amazed at the number of folks who seem to think that a funeral has anything at all with granting the wishes of a dead person. Funerals are supposed to be for the people who are left to grieve. > > I would feel really shitty if I left my family a list of instructions for when I died. I would want them to grieve in the best way they know how, if at all. They are the ones who need to be comfortable with the mourning process, not me. If someone you cared about came to you and asked you to participate in their funeral would you refuse telling them it won’t matter to them when they are dead? Would you agree to be there and then not go for the same reason? Would you refuse? Or would you agree and then follow through because you keep your promises and this is one last thing you can do while they are alive to comfort them? I don’t know how you would handle this but this is how I did. Perhaps others think the same way. On the other hand I don’t plan to leave a list of my expectations for my family and I agree that it could be a burden to some families. Others could be left wondering what their deceased may have wanted while he was living. Honoring their wishes is a way of honoring their memory. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/42 "2014-05-09T18:27:32Z")
Social necessity. When someone i love has died the last thing i need is other people around. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/43 "2014-05-09T18:39:00Z")
> [@Tethered\_Kite](#): > > If someone you cared about came to you and asked you to participate in their funeral would you refuse telling them it won’t matter to them when they are dead? > > Would you agree to be there and then not go for the same reason? > > Would you refuse? > > Or would you agree and then follow through because you keep your promises and this is one last thing you can do while they are alive to comfort them? > > I don’t know how you would handle this but this is how I did. Perhaps others think the same way. > > On the other hand I don’t plan to leave a list of my expectations for my family and I agree that it could be a burden to some families. Others could be left wondering what their deceased may have wanted while he was living. > > Honoring their wishes is a way of honoring their memory. It depends on the request. I might, or I might not. If my father came to me with a bunch of requests, I might gently remind him that said requests could potentially introduce a source of stress for his wife as she’s trying to figure out her life without him. I might make the promises to him just to help him feel better. My Grandfather wanted to be buried in a very specific cemetery, but changed his mind after he talked to my father and uncle about the difficulties that location would create for the rest of the family. Regardless, that’s not the point. The point is that we shouldn’t be dictating to our loved ones how we want our funerals to be carried out. ---
**Author:** ![Doyle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doyle/32/439_2.png) [@Doyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doyle)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/44 "2014-05-09T19:05:52Z")
I told my wife I don’t want a funeral. She said, “Tough shit, you’re getting one.” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/45 "2014-05-09T19:15:55Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Regardless, that’s not the point. The point is that we shouldn’t be dictating to our loved ones how we want our funerals to be carried out. _Dictate?_ No. But it’s reasonable and even helpful for people to express their wishes before they die. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/46 "2014-05-09T19:21:56Z")
I don’t believe it would be my place at all to instruct my family on any part of the funeral. I don’t want my favorite song played, I want my family to play the music that reminds them of me. I don’t want them to have a funeral/not have a funeral if it goes against what helps them in their grieving process. Now, burial places I can understand, to an extent. Mostly because they need to be purchased ahead of time. Otherwise, my family needs to mourn in their own way, not mine. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/47 "2014-05-09T21:12:50Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Otherwise, my family needs to mourn in their own way, not mine. They might find it helpful to know what you want. It can be reassuring to know that the person being remembered approved of your arrangements and it can also reduce your family’s workload at a time when it’s hard to make decisions because things are so emotional. I’m sure there’s a point at which those request can become unpleasant or just plain unreasonable, but they’re not inherently bad or bossy. Before he died my brother told us that he wanted to be cremated, told us where he wanted his ashes scattered, and said he didn’t want a religious service. I doubt we’d have had a religious thing anyway, but still. He made things easier for us because it reduced the amount of planning we needed to do, and it also gave us the satisfaction of knowing we were doing something on his behalf. At the time it helped at lot. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/48 "2014-05-09T21:18:32Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > They might find it helpful to know what you want. Yep. Just having the conversation (as with so much in life) helps a ton, because then no one has to feel like they are betraying anyone or not honoring them, etc. If you don’t care, tell people you don’t care. If you do care, tell them you do. Grieving people are not in any state to think great thoughts, generally, so the easier things are the better they are. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/49 "2014-05-09T21:24:04Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > They might find it helpful to know what you want. It can be reassuring to know that the person being remembered approved of your arrangements and it can also reduce your family’s workload at a time when it’s hard to make decisions because things are so emotional. I’m sure there’s a point at which those request can become unpleasant or just plain unreasonable, but they’re not inherently bad or bossy. Before he died my brother told us that he wanted to be cremated, told us where he wanted his ashes scattered, and said he didn’t want a religious service. I doubt we’d have had a religious thing anyway, but still. He made things easier for us because it reduced the amount of planning we needed to do, and it also gave us the satisfaction of knowing we were doing something on his behalf. At the time it helped at lot. My family understands that I want the funeral to be about them, and what would help them through those days. I am an atheist, but I would never in a million years tell my wife not to have a religious ceremony. She is Christian, and she needs a religious ceremony. I will probably make arrangements for my body ahead of time, and understand why people do that before they die. But I’m not going to tell them what music to listen to or what food to eat the day after I die. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/50 "2014-05-09T21:35:01Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > They might find it helpful to know what you want. It can be reassuring to know that the person being remembered approved of your arrangements and it can also reduce your family’s workload at a time when it’s hard to make decisions because things are so emotional. I’m sure there’s a point at which those request can become unpleasant or just plain unreasonable, but they’re not inherently bad or bossy. Before he died my brother told us that he wanted to be cremated, told us where he wanted his ashes scattered, and said he didn’t want a religious service. I doubt we’d have had a religious thing anyway, but still. He made things easier for us because it reduced the amount of planning we needed to do, and it also gave us the satisfaction of knowing we were doing something on his behalf. At the time it helped at lot. Hmm, I wonder if adding a clause to my will that you can inherit nothing if you participate in a religious service for my funeral would hold up. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/51 "2014-05-09T21:41:19Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Hmm, I wonder if adding a clause to my will that you can inherit nothing if you participate in a religious service for my funeral would hold up. I don’t know about it holding up, but don’t put anything in a will that you want known before a funeral. People don’t necessarily read wills until much later. (Unless, of course, you mean for it to be a gotcha.) ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/52 "2014-05-09T21:48:42Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > My family understands that I want the funeral to be about them, and what would help them through those days. The point I’m trying to make is that family and friends often want to do something their late loved one wanted them to do. It’s satisfying and I think it’s reassuring. it’s also kind of a loophole in the ‘funerals are for the living, not the dead’ thing. So it’s well and good to say you don’t want to put your desires ahead of theirs, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t appreciate a hand. > [@](#): > > I will probably make arrangements for my body ahead of time, and understand why people do that before they die. But I’m not going to tell them what music to listen to or what food to eat the day after I die. I don’t think most people are that demanding. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/53 "2014-05-09T21:51:39Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I don’t know about it holding up, but don’t put anything in a will that you want known before a funeral. People don’t necessarily read wills until much later. > > (Unless, of course, you mean for it to be a gotcha.) My husband knows and agrees, so my preference is not unknown. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/54 "2014-05-09T22:27:22Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > The point I’m trying to make is that family and friends often want to do something their late loved one wanted them to do. It’s satisfying and I think it’s reassuring. it’s also kind of a loophole in the ‘funerals are for the living, not the dead’ thing. So it’s well and good to say you don’t want to put your desires ahead of theirs, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t appreciate a hand. Trust me, if she wants a hand, she’ll ask for it!! 😉 > [@](#): > > I don’t think most people are that demanding. In my experience, they aren’t. But my family members never requested music or things like that for their funerals. Our family tradition is to set up a big table in the room during the visitation. Everybody in the family brings an item that reminds them of the deceased and places it on the table. It usually sparks a long night of story-telling (especially if alcohol is involved). Some crazy stuff ends up on there. ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2014, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/55 "2014-05-10T04:32:55Z")
My brother-in-law died suddenly a month ago, at age 50. Totally unexpected. We arrived the next day, and helped my sister-in-law through the whole process. While hard, both the arranging and the actual funeral, all in all, it was a good experience. I always dread the open coffin, but until I stood there, even after spending 4 days getting things set up, it wasn’t real. His death was something I’d heard, but not something I knew. They lived in a town of 800, and almost 200 people showed up for the visitation and the funeral the next day. His high school best friends came from 900 miles away. Men that had had him as a boyscout leader over the last 8 years took a day or two and came. The entire fire department was there (he was a volunteer.) It was a chance for a whole lot of people to pay their last respects to someone that had made a difference in their lives, to interact with people from the other parts of his life, to say goodbye. > [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Our family tradition is to set up a big table in the room during the visitation. Everybody in the family brings an item that reminds them of the deceased and places it on the table. It usually sparks a long night of story-telling (especially if alcohol is involved). Some crazy stuff ends up on there. I love this idea. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2014, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/56 "2014-05-10T05:03:52Z")
I have a fantasy that everyone will bring the quilts I’ve made for them over the years and drape them over the pews at my funeral. 🙂 We had a Memorial Mass (the one without the body) and a Funeral Mass (with the body) for my mom – the first where she lived at the time and the latter across the country at the church whose cemetery she was getting buried in. It went without saying that we would have a funeral Mass since she was a devout Catholic. We didn’t have a wake and the only reason she was laid out in the funeral home at all was her brother hadn’t seen her before she died and wanted to view her. There was a reception in the basement of each church after the Masses. It’s a chance for loved ones to socialize and remember the good times with the dead person. The Masses aren’t sad; they’re a celebration of the Resurrection. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2014, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/57 "2014-05-10T10:53:50Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Hmm, I wonder if adding a clause to my will that you can inherit nothing if you participate in a religious service for my funeral would hold up. You could leave everything to a foundation established previously by you, its sole purpose being to investigate how disposal of your remains was handled. Handled according to your stated wishes causes the foundation to disburse the money one way, against your wishes, another way. IANAL. I made this idea up. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2014, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/58 "2014-05-10T15:42:22Z")
Oh, **gigi** , what a great idea and I hope it happens for you if only in your imagination! I am a knitter and now I can imagine a funeral where everyone comes wearing something I’ve knit for them. I knit a lot of very colorful socks for people so I can picture a very interesting memorial! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2014, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/59 "2014-05-10T16:08:10Z")
One of my girlfriends had terminal breast cancer and had what we call a “premorial” before she died. It was sad, and yet wonderful. She knew she didn’t have long, so everyone got a chance to say goodbye while she was still conscious - and SHE got a chance to see a church fill with four hundred people who cared enough about her life to mark it. She and her husband had made peace with death - as much peace as I think its possible to make - and their comfort level with it gave the rest of us comfort. She was a belly dancer, so the premorial included belly dancing. Because she was there and involved in the planning, there was little guess work. She died three weeks later, her remains were cremated, and my understanding was that there was only a very small private follow up ceremony when her ashes where scattered. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2014, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709/60 "2014-05-10T18:28:46Z")
**gigi** and **kayT** , my MIL, ever the practical woman, knitted toilet paper dispensers. :o [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-had-a-funeral-for-a-loved-one-was-it-a-social-necessity-or-was-it-for-your-benefit/687709.md?page=4)