# You have to lose a major movie studio hundreds of millions, what bad movie do you make? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** movies\ **Created:** [April 25, 2024, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733 "2024-04-25T09:15:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Banksiaman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/banksiaman/32/3334_2.png) [@Banksiaman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Banksiaman)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/81 "2024-04-25T21:25:01Z")
Whenever a space movie is released there is some old whiny pedant saying that the conversations couldn’t be happening because of the lag time for travel back to Earth base. So, as a favour to these people I intend a series of boutique directors cut editions of various space classics [think like the explosion of colourisation re-releases that took place in the early 1980s], where we buy the rights and add the requisite interval between phrases in each exchange between space traveller and Earth. Everything else remains unchanged but the movie becomes soooo much more accurate. A standard 90 mins improved thusly would run just shy of 9 hours, and package up in its own deluxe VHS-Beta-BluRay box set release. Strengthen your shelving, old dudes! ---
**Author:** ![Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmer_j.fudd/32/1211_2.png) [@Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elmer_J.Fudd)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/82 "2024-04-25T21:40:09Z")
> [@Banksiaman](#): > > So, as a favour to these people I intend a series of boutique directors cut editions of various space classics [think like the explosion of colourisation re-releases that took place in the early 1980s], where we buy the rights and add the requisite interval between phrases in each exchange between space traveller and Earth. Everything else remains unchanged but the movie becomes soooo much more accurate . But we want to spend as much moolah as possible. Reshoot them scene for scene from scratch with the authentic delay…on location in actual space. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/83 "2024-04-25T21:41:11Z")
A remake of A Christmas Story. You’ll need a new kid for Ralphie, and other new kids, but the adults! Salaries alone could run 100 million: Will Ferrell as The Old Man Scarlett Johansson as Mrs. Parker Rosanne Barr as Miss Shields Zack Ward as male Elf Christine Powrie as lead Elf Tom Hanks as Santa Claus, the guy in line (“Hey kid! Where ya going?”) played by Jean Shepherd originally, The Christmas tree salesman, and the Chinese restaurant owner “Bo Ling”. And filmed in front of a green screen with cgi sets. Use the original script. Directed by Ron Howard. original score by John Williams. ---
**Author:** ![Asuka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@Asuka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asuka)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/84 "2024-04-25T21:49:36Z")
The problem with remake ideas is that odds are even joke answers are close to actually being true. There’s been MULTIPLE attempts at remaking Casablanca that have thankfully all died off usually with whatever flavor of the month pop culture couple. I would not be surprised if SOMEBODY was pitching a Casablanca remake right now starring Taylor Swift. There was an attempt at remaking Commando in the 2010s with Sam Worthington but “reimagined” as a serious film with no jokes. There’s current talks of doing a remake of Its A Wonderful Life but set in modern days with an all black cast with “current sensibilities” and I know for a fact if that’s made nobody is going to watch it. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/85 "2024-04-25T22:07:51Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > There’s been MULTIPLE attempts at remaking Casablanca that have thankfully all died off usually with whatever flavor of the month pop culture couple. Not all have died. The “most successful”, for certain degrees of successful, was 1996’s Pam Anderson film _Barb Wire_, which despite no one drawing attention to it (the Wikipedia article doesn’t mention it at all, though IMDB does), was basically _Casablanca_ in a post-apocalyptic world. With Pam in the Bogart role. It’s probably better than no one claimed it was a remake. It was hated enough as it was! 1984’s _Overdrawn at the Memory Bank_, with Raul Julia, tried to be a cyberpunkish remake combined with the John Varley short story, it just sucked at it. It tried to be two things and failed at both. Fortunately, not many people have seen it. ---
**Author:** ![Banksiaman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/banksiaman/32/3334_2.png) [@Banksiaman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Banksiaman)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/86 "2024-04-25T22:25:00Z")
> [@Elmer\_J.Fudd](#): > > But we want to spend as much moolah as possible. Reshoot them scene for scene from scratch with the authentic delay…on location in actual space. True, and a very worthy consideration, but clearly somewhat fanciful. Instead, I was banking on this bold move leading to a resurgence in video, similar to the way that vinyl has come back. A big part of the budget is strategic buying [re-buying] premium video store locations in shopping and suburban districts, if necessary paying out existing tenants. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/87 "2024-04-25T22:28:41Z")
How about Patton Oswalt’s movie pitch from his citizen filibuster scene in “Parks and Rec”. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/5BBhNkywMJY/maxresdefault.jpg "Patton Oswalt's Star Wars Filibuster (Extended Cut) | Parks and Recreation") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BBhNkywMJY) ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/88 "2024-04-25T22:35:46Z")
**The Illuminatus! Trilogy,** by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Lord of the Rings-style - three megabudget 3-hour movies, filmed back-to-back and released a year apart. Sex, drugs, rock n’ roll, aggressively non-linear storytelling, more sex and drugs, Atlantean ruins, eldritch horrors, undead Nazis and one suspiciously large apple. Rated NC-17. ---
**Author:** ![dorvann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df705f/32.png) [@dorvann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorvann)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/89 "2024-04-25T23:05:03Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > An entire movie about Jimmy Olsen? In which the character of Superman never appears? The problem there is THAT movie would be fairly cheap to make if they did NOT have to depict any superpowers ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/90 "2024-04-25T23:06:04Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > 1984’s _Overdrawn at the Memory Bank_, with Raul Julia, tried to be a cyberpunkish remake combined with the John Varley short story, it just sucked at it. It tried to be two things and failed at both. Fortunately, not many people have seen it. I had a weird experience involving that movie. At the time, I had no idea anyone had even made a movie of that story. Yet I walked into a movie room at an SF convention where it was playing and almost instantly knew that that was on the screen. ---
**Author:** ![dorvann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df705f/32.png) [@dorvann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorvann)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/91 "2024-04-25T23:06:07Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > Yes similar to how every decade SOMEBODY tries to make a new big budget Robin Hood or King Arthur movie and they almost never make money. You could add all the attempts to reboot Tarzan as a franchise., ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2024, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/92 "2024-04-25T23:20:33Z")
Remake the Oogieloves movie, but with even more expensive cast and crew. Only hire dramatic actors who have proven to be unable to do comedy or approach children. Note: If you value your mental health, don’t watch the trailer for the original. One that might get greenlit: Some Lovecraft stories, but with extra racism. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/93 "2024-04-26T00:14:10Z")
Probably a documentary. On textiles. In twelve parts over twenty three hours. Featuring an in depth look at various textiles, their manufacture, a comprehensive look at plants unsuitable for making textiles, legal issues regarding textile production, which individual fabrics were preferred by the mayors of hundreds of small American towns over the last three centuries (with archival footage) and the authors on ranked lists of the world’s most boring novels. Translated from The Esperanto, with subtitles in both English and Esperanto. With added CGI, and at least one episode where the script is written using Chat GTP. ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/94 "2024-04-26T00:24:05Z")
> [@Horatius](#): > > the tricky bit is to spend all that money and get essentially nothing of value out of it. I’ve talked to several producers that can deftly siphon off a great deal of money into…other interests…not related to the movie (like cocaine, for example) My entry into this thread is, and I haven’t read past the above quote, so forgive me if it’s been taken already, a screen adaptation of Calculon’s one-man stage show “Calculon is HAL-9000” [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/9TEEm04Uimo/hqdefault.jpg "Calculon is HAL 9000") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TEEm04Uimo) ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/95 "2024-04-26T00:25:51Z")
My Dinner with O’Brien? ---
**Author:** ![Chingon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chingon/32/17645_2.png) [@Chingon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chingon)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/96 "2024-04-26T00:37:16Z")
Adapt an overwhelmingly white sci-fi, fantasy, or comic property but include some non-white characters. Nerds will sink it no problem. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/97 "2024-04-26T00:45:39Z")
> [@Chingon](#): > > Nerds will sink it no problem. Somewhat similarly, adapt a certain popular British sci-f/fantasy TV show for the big screen. When other characters interact with the main character, they refer to him as “Doctor Who.” ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/98 "2024-04-26T00:53:12Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Milton’s Paradise Lost. As read by Drew Carey in front of a studio audience. No other actors, no special effects. Just Drew, on a stage, reading all 12 books of the epic 17th century poem. Scored by the great John Willàiams. Wouldn’t be expensive enough, as you describe it; even paying John Williams many times his normal take. Now, make it a double feature with Waiting for Godot, and you might have something. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/99 "2024-04-26T01:15:14Z")
> [@gnoitall](#): > > For my suggestion, any DC Comics superhero flick. **Bat Masterson** with George Clooney as Batman, and Danny Masterson as Robin. And an assortment of hated-but-really-expensive actors portraying forgotten/minor/marginalized DC characters. Like… > [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](#): > > Snapper Carr… . . > [@Lumpy](#): > > An entire movie about Jimmy Olsen? Great idea (how much would it cost to cast Prince Harry?), right up until some studio executive discovers Matt Fraction’s [brilliant](https://www.thepopverse.com/jimmy-olsen-superman-s-pal-irreverent-brilliance) " Who Killed Jimmy Olsen?" series and oops, you’ve got a hit on your hands… ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2024, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733/100 "2024-04-26T01:20:02Z")
> [@beowulff](#): > > My Dinner with O’Brien? More of a “Waiting for Kirk” with O’Brien, Kyle and Scotty sitting around telling tales, while they wait for someone to use the transporter. And they can’t sit down!. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-have-to-lose-a-major-movie-studio-hundreds-of-millions-what-bad-movie-do-you-make/1000733.md?page=6)