# "You just need to speak up" isn't always helpful advice. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 21, 2020, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327 "2020-02-21T21:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/21 "2020-02-22T16:27:04Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > I thought she was drunk? I assumed that that was the reason for her behavior. More slipping inhibitions than sneaky cheater. I’ve known brides who’ve been given a Chill Pill or two before the ceremony, and then people keep handing them drinks at the reception and then they HAVE to toast with champagne and then someone hands them another. Slipping inhibitions? How about complete lack of? And probably no recollection of groping you. So cut her some slack, with the hope it won’t be a problem in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/22 "2020-02-22T16:29:05Z")
> [@Atamasama](#): > > When I was young, 18-20, and worked in retail (at Toys R Us for crying out loud) I was in pretty good shape and on more than one occasion I had inebriated women blatantly hitting on me… Jesus. Who shops for toys drunk? ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/23 "2020-02-22T17:06:37Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > Jesus. Who shops for toys drunk? Who shops for toys sober? 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/24 "2020-02-22T20:35:39Z")
> [@digs](#): > > I’ve known brides who’ve been given a Chill Pill or two before the ceremony, and then people keep handing them drinks at the reception and then they HAVE to toast with champagne and then someone hands them another. > > Slipping inhibitions? How about complete lack of? And probably no recollection of groping you. So cut her some slack, with the hope it won’t be a problem in the future. “She was drunk, maybe on drugs, so cut her some slack for groping you” is kind of a shitty thing to say, even if it wasn’t a super serious situation. ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/25 "2020-02-22T22:54:17Z")
> [@digs](#): > > I’ve known brides who’ve been given a Chill Pill or two before the ceremony, and then people keep handing them drinks at the reception and then they HAVE to toast with champagne and then someone hands them another. > > Slipping inhibitions? How about complete lack of? And probably no recollection of groping you. So cut her some slack, with the hope it won’t be a problem in the future. Seriously? You come into a thread about bad advice and give worse advice than the examples in the OP? **Ace309,** I’m sorry this happened to you. It would be awkward for anyone, even those who think they’d deal deftly with it. It’s probably worse because it’s a woman behaving inappropriately with a man; most people would assume you’d like it. Crossing boundaries is out of line no matter who does it or to whom it’s done. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/26 "2020-02-22T23:12:16Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > Jesus. Who shops for toys drunk? Alcoholics? I work in retail. Most customers are sober, but not a day goes by we don’t get a few under the influence of something or other. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2020, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/27 "2020-02-23T01:56:14Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I work in retail. Most customers are sober, but not a day goes by we don’t get a few under the influence of something or other. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve gone to Toys ‘r Us drunk many times. Not to buy toys…just to hit on the stock boys. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2020, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/28 "2020-02-23T02:13:58Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > I got over my social anxieties by marrying a woman with a completely different set of social anxieties; now we delegate uncomfortable tasks to each other. What I mean to say is, how about siccing your wife on her? Doesn’t make you less of a man. After reading this I thought about it and realized that my husband and I fit into this pattern. Never noticed it before but it sure does help. OP, I hope once the bride is done with her DAY and being all wound up, that she will revert to her former self. If not, I think avoiding her (or at least avoiding being alone with her) is the best solution. I don’t blame you at all for being troubled by the situation as well as the silly responses to the situation (sneak bragging? what?). ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2020, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/29 "2020-02-23T02:15:34Z")
> [@Ace309](#): > > “She was drunk, maybe on drugs, so cut her some slack for groping you” is kind of a shitty thing to say, even if it wasn’t a super serious situation. You’re right, I apologize. I was remembering my niece’s wedding (which is more than she can say) where she had chemically lost all inhibitions by the time she _tried_ to throw the bouquet. We cut her a bunch of slack, partly because she had no memory of how many people she’d draped herself over, and how many were trying to keep her vertical, but I do NOT mean for that to diminish how you felt in the situation. Hope you can deal with this…which I should’ve helped with but failed. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2020, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/30 "2020-02-23T07:33:30Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I hate being touched. I tell people “You do that again and I will call the cops and have you charged with assault.” If they do, I do. Uh huh. That’s not how that works. The cops won’t just charge someone with assault because a crazy lady said they touched her. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2020, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/31 "2020-02-23T19:59:17Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > I would totally have rocked it. > > Specifically, I would have rocked slightly forward to try and get away from her touching my back, and rocked to the side to get away from her touching my arm, all the while thinking that maybe if I retreated to the bathroom she might not follow me in. Exactly this. The bathroom is a great excuse when you need to put some distance between yourself and another person, especially if the other person uses the other restroom. I would not have made a fuss about the bride’s behavior on her wedding day. I’m pretty direct, but that;s beyond what even I would be comfortable with. But I would have squirmed away, and not let her feel me up. (same if the groom was doing that to me.) > [@Joey\_P](#): > > Along these same lines, I used to keep my hair really, really short, just shy of totally shaved (could never pull the trigger on taking a razor to it), I’m quite sure I’m not the only guy with short hair/shaved head and a beard that would have people touching it… OMG I love to feel hair like that. And, YIKES I can’t imagine running my hand through the hair of a total stranger. Hell, I rarely get up the gumption to ask a friend for permission to do it. I can’t believe people do that to you. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2020, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/32 "2020-02-23T20:01:40Z")
Oh, and yeah, you are totally normal to be freaked out by being inappropriately touched, and I’m sorry that happened to you. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2020, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/33 "2020-02-23T21:58:07Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > Uh huh. That’s not how that works. The cops won’t just charge someone with assault because a crazy lady said they touched her. But when she says it, the entire store breaks out in applause. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2020, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/34 "2020-02-24T01:17:34Z")
I’m with the, ‘sic your wife on her if it happens again’, camp. Avoidance, if that isn’t possible. You have a right to be upset by this. ---
**Author:** ![Atamasama](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/atamasama/32/12961_2.png) [@Atamasama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atamasama)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2020, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/35 "2020-02-24T18:35:25Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > Don’t get me wrong. I’ve gone to Toys ‘r Us drunk many times. Not to buy toys…just to hit on the stock boys. :mad: I was a stock boy. But yeah, not often but over 2 1/2 years of working there I encountered obviously inebriated people maybe close to a dozen times. It was worse around Christmas. Then you’d get the desperate and drunk rather than happy and drunk people. I never encountered anyone angry and drunk though. I’m happy about that. ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2020, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/36 "2020-02-24T22:00:06Z")
You have every right to feel deeply uncomfortable. She violated boundaries didn’t take the hint that she went too far. I’m not one to lecture you on not speaking up when I couldn’t even tell my creepy neighbor to leave me TF alone. I just want to state that should you decide to, you’d be totally in the right to tell her how uncomfortable she made you and/or that you have no wishes to see her again. That’s super hard to do though, whether you’re a woman OR a man, and I hope she leaves you alone going further. ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2020, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/37 "2020-02-25T06:49:52Z")
What I used to do is smoke a cigarette with the bride. I don’t know if that is “rocking it”, but the nastiness of it was already kind of palpable, so there was no need of additional nastiness? I can’t say I understand the mechanics of it, but if you are to encounter a questionable bride, have a smoke or a cigar with them and de-fuse it all right then and there. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2020, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/38 "2020-02-25T13:44:27Z")
> [@Ace309](#): > > “She was drunk, maybe on drugs, so cut her some slack for groping you” is kind of a shitty thing to say, even if it wasn’t a super serious situation. This. Imagine the groom got drunk and went around grabbing tits and asses. Absolutely nobody would give him a pass. ---
**Author:** ![tricoteuse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tricoteuse/32/4334_2.png) [@tricoteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tricoteuse)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2020, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/39 "2020-02-25T14:15:53Z")
The people who do the “well, I would simply have…” are full of bullshit. You don’t know how you will react to a situation until it happens to you. I don’t blame you for being confused and upset. Both times I was pregnant my belly got huge so of course I got all the touching and rubbing in the world. Of course I had visions of slapping hands away and lecturing strangers about personal space. The best i could usually do was a weak little “Please don’t do that.” The worst was some nutcase woman who tried to lift up my shirt in the middle of the grocery store! I was so shocked that all I could do was yank my shirt back down and run right out of the store leaving my cart! ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2020, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327/40 "2020-02-25T16:11:11Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Along these same lines, I used to keep my hair really, really short, just shy of totally shaved (could never pull the trigger on taking a razor to it), I’m quite sure I’m not the only guy with short hair/shaved head and a beard that would have people touching it. Didn’t happen regularly, but a few times a year I’d be standing in line somewhere and I’d feel someone rub the back of my head or…and I can’t stress how often it happens…[this](https://media1.tenor.com/images/dc6de6ef0321de5bdfa27cd5e2dd4ab5/tenor.gif?itemid=7941064). Doesn’t bother me if it’s someone I know, it’s the random people doing it that’s bizarre. > > Same goes for the apparently unwritten rule that you’re allowed to touch a woman’s belly if she’s pregnant. When my ex was pregnant, it was really strange how often she’d have that happen to her. My advice to her was to do it back. I’m assuming some random guy would be caught off guard if she went hand rubbed their stomach. The nice thing about this, IMO, is that they’d have no defense. I _think_ they’d quickly realize A)how odd it is and B) they just did it to her and understand that ‘but you’re pregnant’ isn’t a good defense of that behavior. I know it happens, but God, that is just so weird. Both touching a man’s hair/beard and a woman’s hair/stomach. While I feel fine remarking on how neat someone’s hair might look, the ONLY time I’d ever touch anyone’s hair is if they’re a close friend or family member, I’m only straightening something and I mention that I’m doing it first. Most anyone I’m on very good terms with is going to be, “Oh, okay! Thanks!” But doing that to a perfect stranger is just beyond bizarre. I don’t understand people who think they have a right to touch other people’s bodies. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-just-need-to-speak-up-isnt-always-helpful-advice/848327.md?page=3)