# You may retrieve a lost historical artifact. What do you chose?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [November 21, 2008, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879 "2008-11-21T18:25:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@cards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cards)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/21 "2008-11-21T20:00:53Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#):
>
> The other is that I’m setting the [Novikov self-consistency filter](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-consistency) to _Hell Yes!_, lest anyone get any bright ideas about offing me in my infancy for the good of humanity.
So that leaves me with going after your father.
---
### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/22 "2008-11-21T20:02:47Z")
> [@Scumpup](#):
>
> See, this is why you’ll never make the cut to be an A-list supervillain and will spend the balance of your days being foiled by the likes of the Elongated Man and Aqualad.
>
> The real Stalin and Beria were/will be killed by me in 1917. The replicants with which I replaced them died in 1953.
>
> Try not to let Uncle Marvel fuck up your plans for today.
The trips thru time aren’t part of a villainy plan, librarian; they’re part of a I-love-my-family-so-am-being-less-evil refrigerium. I mean, seriously, why would _I_ want Stalin too die in '17?
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### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/23 "2008-11-21T20:06:31Z")
> [@Silver Tyger Girl](#):
>
> I read that as codpieces…
>
> Can I steal Jesus when he was a baby? No? Damn, that’d have solved a lot of trouble…
>
> Um… I got nothing.
Sure. But since there are no paradoxes allowed, this will only work if you (a) substitute another baby for Joseph & Mary to raise as their son, or (b) you’re stealing the wrong baby anyway. If Jesus is not in fact divine, then nothing changes; it just means that the Gospels don’t record the switch. If Jesus is divine, then presumably God will smite you. I don’t think Tygra, Panthro, and Cheetara together can protect you against even the least of the archangels, and for something like this, God’s gonna send Michael or the Metatron.
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### Author:  [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/24 "2008-11-21T20:12:15Z")
Jesus’ dental records.
If I find they don’t exist, then that proves divinity, because everyone needs a dentist.
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### Author:  [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/25 "2008-11-21T20:16:23Z")
You all are amateurs. No physical object is important. I’d fill the backpack with an ultra high-end digital camera, a small laptop, and as many harddrives as I can cram in.
> [@Antinor01](#):
>
> Keeping with the book theme, I’d be tempted to go back to the library of Alexandria and stuff the backpack with as much as possible.
Photos of scrolls are more practical to carry.
> [@Hockey\_Monkey](#):
>
> The Ark of the Covenant. I won’t open it though, I promise.
Well I’ll go back and take a picture of the Ark and what’s inside.
> [@Creaky](#):
>
> I wouldn’t mind having a place setting from the Last Supper, but it probably wouldn’t match my pattern.
And a shot of this.
> [@Snarky\_Kong](#):
>
> I could probably rig something so that the cross that Jesus was crucified on would balance in the backpack. That sucker would make me a fortune.
And this. With and without the Lord attached.
And so on…
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### Author:  [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/26 "2008-11-21T20:20:20Z")
Either Alexandria or some other ancient library, to fill that backpack with every piece of work by Sappho, Euripides, Thespis, Phrynichus, and the like it will hold.
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### Author:  [@GorillaMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GorillaMan)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/27 "2008-11-21T20:21:05Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#):
>
> A stack of music from Ireland, from just before the British came through in the middle ages and burned it all. I’d like to know what these songs sounded like in period, rather than our best guess.
I wouldn’t mind the British music also lost to the reformation, too. And Sibelius’ eighth symphony, while we’re at it.
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### Author:  [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/28 "2008-11-21T20:25:07Z")
Can I take a video camera?
If not, then Cosmos had a list of books that were mentioned in other books as being in the Library of Alexandria. If I’m being lazy, I’ll go with that. If not, I’ll do a little research and get a slightly longer list. I don’t want to go in and just grab, because a lot of the books there were duplicated other places and some of it wouldn’t be significant works.
Not sure how I’d find them fast or get them into the bad with everyone watching, but I’m sure the advice minion could write me a list in ancient greek, with a fake letter of introduction or something. Might need to pay a fee or bribe, but that would be worth it.
I’d have a hard time not saying “ook” as I saved the books.
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### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/29 "2008-11-21T20:28:27Z")
> [@Pleonast](#):
>
> You all are amateurs. No physical object is important. I’d fill the backpack with an ultra high-end digital camera, a small laptop, and as many harddrives as I can cram in.Photos of scrolls are more practical to carry.Well I’ll go back and take a picture of the Ark and what’s inside.And a shot of this.And this. With and without the Lord attached.
>
> And so on…
While for the most part I think you’re on target I’d like to point out that you’re only getting one trip. How long do you think that laptop’s batteries will last? Why take it at all? Take two or three digital cameras, all the same design, in case one gets broken, and tons of removable recording media and spare batteries.
Or is there some subtlety I’m missing? I really don’t see the point of the laptop at all.
I also don’t see the point of going to the crucifixion. If it happened, it happened. You won’t convince anyone to change their mind with a photograph.
[QUOTE=cards]
> [@](#):
>
> Skald the Rhymer
>
> The other is that I’m setting the Novikov self-consistency filter to Hell Yes!, lest anyone get any bright ideas about offing me in my infancy for the good of humanity.
So that leaves me with going after your father.
[/QUOTE]
:: shrugging ::
Self-consistency also protects him, obviously. _I_ don’t even have to send bodyguards back in time. Paradoxes will always resolve themselves in favor of the original history, and the most an heroic assassin wil accomplish is (a) getting himself killed or (b) discovering that the intended victim was going to die anyway and that the true trouble-maker was someone else using the same name.
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### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/30 "2008-11-21T20:30:47Z")
> [@Yllaria](#):
>
> Can I take a video camera?
>
> If not, then Cosmos had a list of books that were mentioned in other books as being in the Library of Alexandria. If I’m being lazy, I’ll go with that. If not, I’ll do a little research and get a slightly longer list. I don’t want to go in and just grab, because a lot of the books there were duplicated other places and some of it wouldn’t be significant works.
>
> Not sure how I’d find them fast or get them into the bad with everyone watching, but I’m sure the advice minion could write me a list in ancient greek, with a fake letter of introduction or something. Might need to pay a fee or bribe, but that would be worth it.
>
> I’d have a hard time not saying “ook” as I saved the books.
Why do you think speed is important? Why go back to the the day the library burned rather than a month before, at night, with flashlights as well as the camera?
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### Author:  [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/31 "2008-11-21T20:31:13Z")
No target at this moment, just a quick question. But for the sake of an example, I join **Antinor01** in raiding the library. Then after we get back some wiseass doubts the veracity of our find and wants to carbon date a sample. Has your Burroughs-Libby device properly aged the contents of the backpack or will the tests determine that the manuscripts are the 10 years old that they were when we [DEL]stole[/DEL] rescued them?
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### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/32 "2008-11-21T20:35:13Z")
> [@Projammer](#):
>
> No target at this moment, just a quick question. But for the sake of an example, I join **Antinor01** in raiding the library. Then after we get back some wiseass doubts the veracity of our find and wants to carbon date a sample. Has your Burroughs-Libby device properly aged the contents of the backpack or will the tests determine that the manuscripts are the 10 years old that they were when we [DEL]stole[/DEL] rescued them?
The latter. We can probably set the continua device so that it ages the objects it brings back, but if you’re going back in time thousands of years, that will leave you–what’s the word?–oh yes, **dead**.
I assume you prefer to avoid that.
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### Author:  [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/33 "2008-11-21T20:36:55Z")
I’d find Aristotle and get a copy of his treatise on Comedy. Who the fuck cares about boring ole depressing Tragedy? Not me, that’s who.
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### Author:  [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/34 "2008-11-21T20:38:39Z")
> [@Pleonast](#):
>
> Well I’ll go back and take a picture of the Ark and what’s inside.
Such a smiting you’ll get!
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### Author:  [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/35 "2008-11-21T20:39:42Z")
> [@Creaky](#):
>
> I wouldn’t mind having a place setting from the Last Supper, but it probably wouldn’t match my pattern.
Don’t bother. I bought two sets at an antique show and they cracked in the dishwasher after the first use. Utter crap.
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### Author:  [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/36 "2008-11-21T20:40:18Z")
I think I’ll go with the golden calf.
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### Author:  [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/37 "2008-11-21T20:41:17Z")
If the Holy Grail is doable, how about other things that never existed? I’ll fish Excalibur out of that lake.
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### Author:  [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/38 "2008-11-21T20:57:35Z")
As I read this, it means I’m not allowed to remove something that would alter the course of history, but only “retrieve” some thing or things lost but could in this way now be un-lost, and also fit in that there backpack.
Nowhere does it say it has to be inanimate. So I’ll try to bring back some small extinct creature that is the source of much speculation, such as a Dodo. Or if I could go back far enough in time, a (very) juvenile dinosaur, like a T-Rex or a Triceratops.
If that is in fact ruled out, as “artifact” technically means something created by human hands, then I’ll go with trying to stuff as much as possible from the Library of Alexandria. Since I can’t read Ancient Greek I don’t know what I’ll be getting, but I’d like a shot at getting a complete set of original scripts for the _Prometheus_ trilogy of plays.
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### Author:  [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/39 "2008-11-21T21:01:38Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#):
>
> The latter. We can probably set the continua device so that it ages the objects it brings back, but if you’re going back in time thousands of years, that will leave you–what’s the word?–oh yes, **dead**.
>
> I assume you prefer to avoid that.
Of course, that’s why I specified the contents of the backpack. I am not unaware of the things that evil considers humorous. Even evil in a relatively good mood.
“Sure I’ll send you back in time… Whoops! Did I forget to mention that your personal timefield would go retrograde as well? Sorry about that old chap. Err.. Young protoplasmid.”
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### Author:  [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2008, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/40 "2008-11-21T21:12:32Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#):
>
> While for the most part I think you’re on target I’d like to point out that you’re only getting one trip. How long do you think that laptop’s batteries will last? Why take it at all? Take two or three digital cameras, all the same design, in case one gets broken, and tons of removable recording media and spare batteries.
One trip with many lay-overs. 🙂
I was assuming the batteries will be recharged with each jump. I mean, with all the energy flying about, diverting a bit into the batteries would be cheap. If not, I’ll substitute more batteries for hard drives.
> [@](#):
>
> Or is there some subtlety I’m missing? I really don’t see the point of the laptop at all.
That’s to connect to the hard drives–much larger capacity then the memory that can connect directly to the camera. I figure I can carry 10 or so Terabytes, which means a lot of 20 Megapixels 24-bit photos.
> [@](#):
>
> I also don’t see the point of going to the crucifixion. If it happened, it happened. You won’t convince anyone to change their mind with a photograph.
Doh! I wasn’t even thinking the conversion angle. I was going for the pure profit. How much is a real photo of Christ on the Stick worth to a believer? Are you sure you’re Evil?
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