# You may retrieve a lost historical artifact. What do you chose?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [November 21, 2008, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879 "2008-11-21T18:25:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 4
### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2008, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/61 "2008-11-22T15:12:44Z")
> [@robardin](#):
>
> As I read this, it means I’m not allowed to remove something that would alter the course of history, but only “retrieve” some thing or things lost but could in this way now be un-lost, and also fit in that there backpack.
>
> Nowhere does it say it has to be inanimate. So I’ll try to bring back some small extinct creature that is the source of much speculation, such as a Dodo. Or if I could go back far enough in time, a (very) juvenile dinosaur, like a T-Rex or a Triceratops.
>
> If that is in fact ruled out, as “artifact” technically means something created by human hands, then I’ll go with trying to stuff as much as possible from the Library of Alexandria. Since I can’t read Ancient Greek I don’t know what I’ll be getting, but I’d like a shot at getting a complete set of original scripts for the _Prometheus_ trilogy of plays.
OP Sayeth:
I didn’t even think of dodos & such; as I did not rule them out, and as I’ve already stated that the items brought forth will not age, I think extinct animals should be allowed.
I also think you’re going to have some problems with the dinosaurs. Wasn’t the oxygen content of the atmosphere lower back then? Somehow I don’t think they’ll last long, and anyway I don’t see the point; you’re going to have a hell of a time getting a breeding pair, and I’m not supplying any weapons you can use the fight the mother t-rex when she notices you trying to steal her baby.
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### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2008, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/62 "2008-11-22T15:18:51Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#):
>
> What a great thread topic.
> Can I grab Shakespeare’s works? Or would then the world never learn of him until I showed them to the world?
In this scenario, changing history is impossible; no paradoxes are allowed. Thus, certain acts are doomed to failure. Try to keep Dr. King away from the Lorraine on that April day in '68, and you’ll end up causing him to go and/or getting killed yourself. But you can accomplish things that are consistent with what is already known. I mentioned saving the latter half of Dead Souls in my OP; this works only if I can substitute something else for Gogol to burn.
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### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2008, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/63 "2008-11-22T15:22:05Z")
> [@Mangetout](#):
>
> Fermat’s _other_ notebook - the one with the wider margins.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of that one myself. I’m not sure he wasn’t bullshitting, but if he has a more elegant solution than the one for '95, I want to know about it.
(There are certain evil applications, of course. 🆒)
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### Author:  [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)
#### Post date: [November 22, 2008, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/64 "2008-11-22T15:46:49Z")
[Jesus’s crucifix](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=493682&highlight=cross+lights), so I could put it on my lawn and decorate it with lights for the holiday season.
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### Author:  [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/65 "2008-11-23T01:57:12Z")
How about lost letters?
A selection of Mark Twain’s candid letters to his mother might be interesting. [Four trunks full were burned according to Twain’s wishes.](http://www.twainquotes.com/19351215.html)
Or perhaps the correspondence between George and Martha Washington, which was burned by Martha upon George’s death.
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### Author:  [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/66 "2008-11-23T03:15:35Z")
I’d have to verify that it was actually made, and track it closely to find its actual fate, but the [Lincoln phonautograph](http://www.phonobooks.com/NYT32599.htm) would be worth it, to me, to bring back.
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### Author:  [@Helena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/67 "2008-11-23T04:34:53Z")
> [@Spiny\_Norman](#):
>
> Seems like tha major angles are covered, so I’d go local and retrieve [The Golden Horns of Gallehus](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_horns_of_Gallehus) before that jackass Heidenreich stole them and melted them down.
That’s what my husband said when I asked him.
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### Author:  [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/68 "2008-11-23T06:15:36Z")
Well as so many other relics and books are being rescued I’ll go for Tesla’s papers that were destroyed in the 5th Avenue lab fire of March 1895. These notes should include his unpublished “dynamic theory of gravity”. I would sort through quick and try to save room for a notes from The Wardenclyffe Tower on what the hell it actually was suppose to be.
So that was my serious answer but as \*\*Skald \*_is loaning us the use of his Burroughs-Libby continua device, I being me would of course head over to Middle-Earth, FA120 or so and grab a copy of the Red Book of Westmarch from the Undertowers. You see this device travels in alternate dimensions and not just time and I have a field manual to its use and an actually copy of the programing language to use and modify it. Indeed I can fumble my way through Loglan_ with the book in hand. So I will being bring back the \*\*Red Book \*\*and then some historical gold to retire and study the book.
Now as I don’t wish to piss of **Skald** , I would give him the first copy.
Jim
- Seriously I have the book and I am a very good programmer. I would also bring copies of the LoTR for reference and the _Number of the Beast_.
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### Author:  [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/69 "2008-11-23T08:19:27Z")
Full and complete Illiad. Other stuff from the ancient greeks until the pack is full.
\*\*
Agent Foxtrot\*\*- **Duke** is right, old pre-James Bibles aren’t even all that rare. Doubtless a downloaded manuscript can be found right now somewhere on the Internet.
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### Author:  [@Hap\_Shaughnessy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hap_Shaughnessy)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/70 "2008-11-23T08:31:47Z")
I’d go back seven weeks, to the day I lost Woodrow Wilson’s spleen.
I had it (preserved in alcohol) in a mason jar, which i lost overboard during an ill-conceived juggling match on the deck of a coal freighter bound for Cleveland.
Don’t ask why I had it, or what for… I just, erm, need it.
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### Author:  [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/71 "2008-11-23T16:46:46Z")
[Admiral Ackbar]
_It’s a trap!_
[/aa]
Sure enough, you go back in time to Alexandria, traipsing around in modern garb, unable to speak the language, carrying odd technological devices and attempting to loot the Library, you’re going to end up with a spear in your belly.
You likewise can’t just stroll up Calvary and pick up the cross after it’s been used without very probably being it’s next victim. (But at least you’d have that going for you - being crucified on the same cross as Christ!)
The machine only sends you back and gives you a way forward again. It does not offer success in the middle.
_'ware the Skald. He offers tempting fruit that shall be your undoing._
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### Author:  [@Spiny\_Norman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiny_Norman)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/72 "2008-11-23T17:35:40Z")
> [@Helena](#):
>
> That’s what my husband said when I asked him.
Cool! - I thought I was being obscure. Was he motivated by unselfish desire to salvage a priceless piece of history, or is he, too, a victim of Oehlenschlager’s long-winded dribble? (There ought to be a support group.)
Hey, **Skald** , do I have permission to kick Oehlenschlager in the shin if I ran across him, y’know, by accident?
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### Author:  [@Szlater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Szlater)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/73 "2008-11-23T17:58:08Z")
Baby Jesus.
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### Author:  [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/74 "2008-11-23T19:00:29Z")
> [@Szlater](#):
>
> Baby Jesus.
Yeah, but he’s Jesus, so he’d just GOD himself back into the past.
And even if he didn’t, you now have a baby on your hands. Explain that one. Where did it come from? Who is going to take care of it?
Say you end up taking care of Baby Jesus. How well is that going to go when he starts doing miracles all over the place? Cursing the fruit trees in your back yard because they’re not bearing fruit out of season, throwing tantrums in the middle of church fundraisers, setting up a GodCam website…
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### Author:  [@Szlater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Szlater)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/75 "2008-11-23T19:15:54Z")
> [@Chimera](#):
>
> Yeah, but he’s Jesus, so he’d just GOD himself back into the past.
>
> And even if he didn’t, you now have a baby on your hands. Explain that one. Where did it come from? Who is going to take care of it?
I would have go to a police station and say I found a baby, and then he’d probably get fostered.
> [@Chimera](#):
>
> Say you end up taking care of Baby Jesus. How well is that going to go when he starts doing miracles all over the place? Cursing the fruit trees in your back yard because they’re not bearing fruit out of season, throwing tantrums in the middle of church fundraisers, setting up a GodCam website…
Well the first thing I do is change his name to Dave and move to Dudley near Birmingham. No godbotherer is going to be seen dead following a guy called Dave with the accent he will develop growing up in Dudley.
I guess the rest will have to be dealt with as it happens. I fear the rewritten New Testament (“The gospels according to Steve, Kylie, Jacinta and Dakota”, “the textmessages of Brandon” and “Britons”)will contain long passages on Dave’s numerous groundings and time-outs spent on the naughty step.
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### Author:  [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/76 "2008-11-23T19:30:14Z")
Since the items don’t age properly and since I will have time in the past, and since I can make plans and stuff, can I take various items and put them somewhere where they will be discovered at the same time as other items? IOW, can I gather up a whole lotta missing Egyptian crap and stuff it all inside Tut’s tomb for the discovery later?
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### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/77 "2008-11-23T19:35:48Z")
The equipment and any program materials from [CBS’](http://www.earlytelevision.org/w2xab.html) or [Jenkins’](http://www.earlytelevision.org/w2xcr.html) early TV experiments.
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### Author:  [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/78 "2008-11-23T19:43:05Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#):
>
> Since the items don’t age properly and since I will have time in the past, and since I can make plans and stuff, can I take various items and put them somewhere where they will be discovered at the same time as other items? IOW, can I gather up a whole lotta missing Egyptian crap and stuff it all inside Tut’s tomb for the discovery later?
I am really surprised that it took so long for someone to suggest this. It’s seems the best way to save the desired artifacts in such a way that scholars will accept their authenticity and study them.
[QUOTE=What Exit?]
So that was my serious answer but as Skald is loaning us the use of his Burroughs-Libby continua device, I being me would of course head over to Middle-Earth, FA120 or so and grab a copy of the Red Book of Westmarch from the Undertowers. You see this device travels in alternate dimensions and not just time and I have a field manual to its use and an actually copy of the programing language to use and modify it. Indeed I can fumble my way through Loglan\* with the book in hand. So I will being bring back the Red Book and then some historical gold to retire and study the book.
Now as I don’t wish to piss of Skald, I would give him the first copy.
Jim
[/QUOTE]
I’ll take that free copy, but it seems a waste of a trip. I mean, it’s ME you’re talking about. Evil or not, as soon as you detail that plan, you’re getting a grant from Conquest Inc., a universal translator, and as much unobtainium as you think you need to accomplish your task. Though I’ll also expect you to take a side-trip to Numenor to save as much of the royal archives as possible before the Deluge. No, make that two side trips; I expect that you’ll find Ar-Pharazôn did did more than a little redacting, so two sets would be good.
That said, Arda is the only extra-dimensional reality anybody’s visiting. No Earth-1, no Marvel Universe, and especially no Narnia.
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### Author:  [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/79 "2008-11-23T20:06:04Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#):
>
> That said, Arda is the only extra-dimensional reality anybody’s visiting. No Earth-1, no Marvel Universe, and especially no Narnia.
All good ideas but to that last part who else on even the dope knows the “Number of the Beast”, has a Loglan book or even remembered that was the programming language used and is a strong programmer? It is a fairly odd combination I think.
I’m nuts enough I just searched and found my Loglan to English book 4 &5 from 1975. I haven’t looked at it in about 15 years.
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### Author:  [@Szlater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Szlater)
#### Post date: [November 23, 2008, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-may-retrieve-a-lost-historical-artifact-what-do-you-chose/473879/80 "2008-11-23T20:09:19Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#):
>
> IOW, can I gather up a whole lotta missing Egyptian crap and stuff it all inside Tut’s tomb for the discovery later?
Can I also suggest that you add some hieroglyphics of your own to the tomb’s decorations. Y’know, fuck with the conspiracy theorists a little.
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