# You might be a bad driver if… **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 2, 2000, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391 "2000-10-02T20:43:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2000, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/1 "2000-10-02T20:43:52Z")
I thought this might be fun. If it’s already been done, forgive me, I’m new around here **The premise:** I drive a lot. 20,000+mi/yr. In an ongoing effort to protect my person, I have developing some theories about what kinds of people/cars I should be especially watchful for on the road. Besides, it’s kinda fun, and gives me something to do. **The rules:** Mini-rants are okay. Maxi-rants should go to the Pit. This is just for fun, okay? **The delivery:** _You might be a bad driver if…_ You wear a hat inside the car while you drive (65%) It’s a baseball cap (90%) You wear it backwards (99%) _You might be a bad driver if…_ Your head is not visible above the top of your seat/headrest (65%) _You might be a bad driver if…_ You have a cell phone permanently grafted to your ear. (85%) _You might be a bad driver if…_ (In my area at least…) You drive a BMW (except Z3s, go figure) (99%) Anybody? ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2000, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/2 "2000-10-02T21:03:01Z")
You might be a bad driver if… You feel the need to ride vanguard to an emergency vehicle. The ambulance has sirens & lights, it does not need you to clear a path for it. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2000, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/3 "2000-10-02T21:12:43Z")
…your stereo is turned to maximum volume, with so much bass that your car actually bounces up and down (90%) …you drive more than two miles without noticing your turn signal is on (80%) …you drive with a coffee in one hand and a sandwich in the other (90%) …you consult the road map while you’re driving (95%) …on a straight stretch of freeway, you decide to take a brief nap (100%) (NB I have actually seen the last example. I blared my horn, and the guy woke up and looked around as if to say, “What? Where am I?”) ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2000, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/4 "2000-10-02T21:22:21Z")
. . . in addition to having a cell phone grafted to your ear (see above), you cannot have a telephone conversation without gradually slowing to a halt in traffic (I’ve seen this happen twice). . . . you find it necessary to maintain a death grip on the steering wheel and lean forward until your face is flush with the dashboard. . . . you have replaced at least one taillight cover with red plastic film, and at least 10% of your car’s body is in primer gray. ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2000, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/5 "2000-10-02T21:34:25Z")
. . .you ride the brakes with your left foot – the brake lights never go off. (80%) . . .you ride the brakes, even though you have a stickshift. (95%) . . .you never touch the brakes. At all. (100%) . . .you race to get 30 feet behind the car in front of you, no matter what the speed. (75%) . . .if the car in front of you has more than 30 feet between it and the car in front of it, you close up to within 15 feet. (90%) . . .you then honk, flash your lights, and try to pass (in the worst possible spot). (100%) . . .something is hanging out your door. (25%) . . .it’s your seat belt. (50%) . . .it’s your leg. (100%) . . .it’s your child. (150%) . . .you can name three local body shops. (30%) . . .you’ve had body work at three local body shops. (60%) . . .you have a revolving charge account at three local body shops. (90%) . . .you’ve named your children after the supervisors at local body shops. (100%) ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2000, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/6 "2000-10-02T21:35:53Z")
Some observations I’ve made in my driving career… _you might be a bad driver if…_ You drive a white Mercury Grand Marquis that isn’t a cop car (65%) And you’re over the age of 75 (70%) And you’re driving south on I-95 (95%) In the left lane (97%) With your turn signal on (99%) _you might be a bad driver if…_ You have a “No Fear” sticker on your rear window (75%) And it fills up the entire window (95%) And the car is a Honda with an aftermarket exhaust (97%) And it has other racing decals (99%) Especially that one with Calvin pissing on the Ford logo (100%) _you might be a bad driver if…_ You drive a 1980 Camaro with over $5,000 worth of paint and body work (55%) And it still doesn’t have a muffler (60%) And the direct rays of the sun don’t have a prayer of penetrating the illegal window tint (75%) And the car has been independently appraised because the stereo and the radar detector are worth more than the Blue Book value of the car itself (90%) And an aftermarket tach is mounted to the steering column (95%) And the rear end is jacked up to accommodate drag slicks (97%) _you might be a bad driver if…_ You drive a new VW Cabrio (10%) With a Kappa Kappa Gamma sticker in the window (90%) With “scrunchies” wrapped around the gear shift (95%) And a giant red bow hanging from the rear view mirror (99%) I could go on, but I won’t. ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/7 "2000-10-03T00:19:56Z")
…you are so scared to cross an intersection when you have a stop sign that you wait until there is no traffic for 3 miles …you can’t even see out of your back window because of all the stupid-ass stuffed animals on the rear deck …you are applying make-up while the car is in motion …you are on your fucking cell phone AND reading a map/newspaper/magazine at the same time ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/8 "2000-10-03T01:38:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by THespos \* > \*\* > I could go on, but I won’t. > > \*\* No, go on! You’re killing me over here! ---
**Author:** ![sk8rixtx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@sk8rixtx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sk8rixtx)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/9 "2000-10-03T01:43:48Z")
You might be a bad driver if: By law you must wear a helmet while driving. (90%) By law you must wear a helmet while walking. (100%) You are only 3.5 trimesters old. (156.7%) ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/10 "2000-10-03T03:14:43Z")
…you only look straight ahead. At all times. (100%) …you can’t/don’t hear any noises outside your vehicle (100%) …you have the ability to turn onto whatever street you like, all that oncoming traffic will stop for you, of course! (100%) … you think nothing of driving your 1978 Corvette at 130. In the rain. In the dark. On a highway. Heading towards a bridge. (200%: they didn’t bother with EMS, just got a sponge and body bag) ---
**Author:** ![Revedge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecae2f/32.png) [@Revedge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revedge)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/11 "2000-10-03T03:33:59Z")
…if you keep your hand on your girlfriends breast. (45%) …if she keeps her hand on your penis. (75%) …if you keep your mouth on her breast. (95%) …if she keeps her mouth… (185%) ---
**Author:** ![Eo\_Echo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ebca7d/32.png) [@Eo\_Echo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eo_Echo)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/12 "2000-10-03T06:08:27Z")
…you use your rear-view mirror exclusively for hair combing and the application of cosmetics (90%). …you stop in accelleration lanes of more than 100 feet in length when merging into highway traffic (60%). …the officer who issues you speeding ticket #4 calls you by your first name before asking for your license (100%) [author’s note: the last actually happened to m–to someone I know. Very well.] ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/13 "2000-10-03T12:42:01Z")
You might be a bad driver if: You have a “Local Motion” sticker anywhere on your car: 45% You have an object dangling from your rearview mirror: 50% You have stick on chrome accessories: 55% Your car is white with white tape on the tail light lenses: 60% You have more than one object dangling from your rearview mirror: 65% You pull to the left when an emergency vehicle approaches: 70% You need a ladder to enter your vehicle: 75% A majority of parts not normally visible on your vehicle are chromed: 80% The lift job on your monster truck exceeds the original vehicle cost: 85% If most of your hand signals do not use the majority of your fingers: 90% You use fog lamps during conditions of unlimited visibility: 95% You are totally incapable of using your turn signals: 100% You fix a burned out headlight by turning your high beams on: 125% You must come to a complete stop before turning right to enter a driveway: 150% ---
**Author:** ![TheNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TheNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheNerd)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/14 "2000-10-03T13:08:21Z")
You exceed the speed limit at all times (50%) You obey the speed limit at all times (80%) You still believe that one about white-bordered stop signs being optional (85%) It takes you longer to get in or out of your car than it does for me to complete my entire grocery shopping trip (90%) You’ve ever helped your kid pretend he’s a helicopter gunner by driving home with the sliding minivan doors open. (It amazes me that my parents have neither one ever received a ticket) (95%) You’ve ever driven to the store and back without releasing the parking brake (97%). Or even realizing it until someone pointed it out (98%) You think the traffic light color code is: red - stop green - get ready yellow - okay, now go. (100%) ---
**Author:** ![stofsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@stofsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stofsky)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/15 "2000-10-03T13:12:14Z")
Yaddayaddayadda if… your car sits 3 inches off the ground and you have extended axles and fat tires (99%) It’s a 4X4 (100%) You have a “Fuckengruven” bumper sticker (80% bad driver, 100% dumbass) “If you don’t like my driving, call 1-800-EAT-SHIT” (100%) You learned to drive in the South (80%) You’re in front of me, behind me, or riding the white line next to me (99%) ---
**Author:** ![TheNerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TheNerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheNerd)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/16 "2000-10-03T13:16:31Z")
Oh, and (+20%) if you drive a vehicle that is taller than you are. This is fun. ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/17 "2000-10-03T13:51:54Z")
You might be a bad driver if… You let your toddler climb around in the car while you’re driving. (100% bad driver and bad parent) You turn around to talk to a child or adult sitting in the backseat. (85%) You slow down anytime you see that a cop has someone pulled over. (80%) You slow down to check out an accident hoping you can catch a glimpse of a dead body. (90%) You’re too fu\*\*ing old to be driving but you insist on driving 40 mph on a 70 mph highway, weaving in and out of lanes, you’re stupid head barely over the steering wheel, and you’re damn turn signal on. (155%) You a 92 year old man with a restricted license (daytime only but you still can’t see shit) and you pull out on the highway right in front of my fu\*\*ing car that is going 55 mph causing me to slam on my brakes and leave 65 feet of skid marks and slam into your dumbass. (500%) I’ll post more later… I may have to go to the pit! ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/18 "2000-10-03T15:41:11Z")
…you fall asleep at the wheel (99.9%) …it takes a pinging sound to wake you (99.99%) …the pinging are the foot high reflector posts at roadside. You’re running them over , HARRY! (100%) ---
**Author:** ![Havoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Havoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Havoc)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/19 "2000-10-03T17:01:13Z")
If the following scenario applies to you… (90%) - You have a deathly fear of doing more than 60 in a 70 zone. - You have a deathly fear of doing more than 50 in a 60 zone. - You have a deathly fear of doing more than 40 in a 50 zone. - Despite the above, you proceed to do 70 in a 40 zone, because you feel the speed limit posted was way too low. It surprises you that “Turning Signals” are no longer an optional feature on automobiles. (99.9%) ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2000, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391/20 "2000-10-03T18:25:17Z")
You explain the fact that you rear-ended someone at 15 MPH by “the brakes failed” (100%) You think the New England maneuver of switching across three lanes just before your exit is a universally accepted tactic (85%) The space between the floor of the car and the ground is less than the space between the tops of your boots and the ground (95%) Your wife offers driving-instructor style criticisms on various points (70%, she may just be irritable or uptight) I just want to add that I really dig your handle, **Bumbazine**. Good to see another Walt Kelly fan on the boards. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-might-be-a-bad-driver-if/35391.md?page=2)