# you reckon she might be still interested in me? How do i find out? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 22, 2011, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965 "2011-07-22T09:40:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/21 "2011-07-22T19:11:47Z")
Some Lothario. Listen, it’s obvious that you want her now because she’s giving you the cold shoulder. That is painfully cliched. My advice is to leave her alone. ---
**Author:** ![Lothario\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lothario\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lothario_1)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/22 "2011-07-22T19:15:28Z")
> [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](#): > > I think you think **your ways** are the **laws of nature**. But that is just my impression from your opinions both in this thread, and in the homeopathy thread. Now you’re accusing me of having a fixed frame of mind? I never said others’ opinions are less valid than mine. I like to listen to everyone so that they come with an independent thought. > [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](#): > > Boy, we women sure are lucky that we don’t have to deal with humiliations and emotional torture and stuff because we always find a shoulder to rely on! Even us home-dwelling, anti-social introverts! What age group are you? Attractive women in the age group 16-35 or even 40 up are rarely alone. In social relationships, They wield much more power over men than vice versa. All they need to do is bat an eyelid and there will be tons of men rushing over to console and comfort them. Women in this particular age group can choose to be surrounded by as many men as they want. For men, it’s a mammoth exercise. We need to actually COMPETE and FIGHT with other men over a common love interest. Ever heard of Helen of Troy? The face that launched a thousand ships 🙂 > [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](#): > > Just a small issue: many men that I run into do not act in this manner. Many times humiliations or social rejections bother men in my direct social circle, and sometimes even beer does not soothe their emotions. > > Are these particular men deficient? Or is this a brain thing like women with emotional baggage? Are their brains woman-like? I firmly believe that boys should never cry. In all my past relationships, I’ve been the soapbox of women’s emotional rantings -I always was the shoulder they wanted to rely on - never vice versa. Being emotional outwardly would make me appear undesirable to myself in front of the mirror. And I know plenty of guys who are on the same train of thought as me. Yes, there are men who act like cry-babies but I don’t want to represent them. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/23 "2011-07-22T19:24:14Z")
Try some of [this.](http://www.vitaminshoppe.com/store/en/browse/sku_detail.jsp?id=VP-1018#tab1) ---
**Author:** ![Lothario\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lothario\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lothario_1)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/24 "2011-07-22T19:41:16Z")
> [@Kolga](#): > > , thus forcing her into a very uncomfortable situation against her will, is inappropriate. Why is being in _an uncomfortable situation_ such a big deal that you say that it is “inappropriate”? An uncomfortable situation will never kill anyone. If the tables are turned and it’s a female stalking a male, noone will suggest she put him in an “uncomfortable situations”. Most people would say he seduced her and tried to take advantage and deserted her in the end. Noone should cling to a love interest where all traffic is one-directional. All it takes is a firm “NO” for the other party to drop the line. And if you have to say it, say it on the face. No, that doesn’t hurt any feelings. On the contrary, it frees the man from keeping any expectations at all. ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_of_the_Lake)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/25 "2011-07-22T19:49:18Z")
> [@Lothario\_1](#): > > Now you’re accusing me of having a fixed frame of mind? I never said others’ opinions are less valid than mine. I like to listen to everyone so that they come with an independent thought. My issue is that you are offering no citation other than your opinion, and you are asserting your \*opinion \*as if it is _fact_. > [@Lothario\_1](#): > > Attractive women in the age group 16-35 or even 40 up are rarely alone. In social relationships, They wield much more power over men than vice versa. All they need to do is bat an eyelid and there will be tons of men rushing over to console and comfort them. This is a huge generalization, which continues to be my main problem with your arguments. Sure, some women might have this. My attractive, single female friends (between the age of 16-35) certainly don’t do this. This makes women out to be takers and extraordinarily needy. “I’m sad therefore must call nearest male?” Yikes. > [@Lothario\_1](#): > > Women in this particular age group can choose to be surrounded by as many men as they want. For men, it’s a mammoth exercise. We need to actually COMPETE and FIGHT with other men over a common love interest. > > Ever heard of Helen of Troy? The face that launched a thousand ships 🙂 > > I firmly believe that boys should never cry. In all my past relationships, I’ve been the soapbox of women’s emotional rantings -I always was the shoulder they wanted to rely on - never vice versa. Being emotional outwardly would make me appear undesirable to myself in front of the mirror. > > And I know plenty of guys who are on the same train of thought as me. Yes, there are men who act like cry-babies but I don’t want to represent them. Again, generalizations and a few old and aged stereo types. And, you may not want to represent men who are ‘cry babies’, but they have just as much of a dick as you and can speak for men with just as much authority. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/26 "2011-07-22T19:55:45Z")
You find it hard to believe that she got over you when you were acting like an asshole to her? Really? Just because she defended you at work doesn’t meant she has feelings for you. Let’s review… 1. You brushed her off. A lot. 2. You knew she needed you and you decided not to respond. 3. She invited you to a party she threw. Instead of reciprocating the gesture when you had a party, you didn’t invite her. 4. You think women are over-emotional creatures incapable of keeping emotional baggage out of the workplace. 5. She’s blocked you on facebook. 6. She refuses to answer your messages. 7. She hangs up on you as quickly as possible if you happen to talk on the phone. 8. She’s otherwise giving you the cold shoulder. 9. This has been going on for a long time. And there’s a “spark” here where? How does any of this encourage you or send you the message that maybe she’s interested in you? I will concede that she sounds as though, in the past, she’s been a little…needy. (Who yells at someone for standing too far away at work??) But apparently that has changed. As a woman I can tell you that this isn’t playing hard to get. This is a big, red flashing sign that says, “NOT INTERESTED. GO AWAY.” ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/27 "2011-07-22T19:58:57Z")
Not hatin’ on you, OP, and I could be wrong … but I kind of have the feeling, having read the thread, that IF she were to show interest in you, your feelings would suddenly cool off. That said … lemme tellya something about women. Once we’ve given up on a guy, that’s it. It’s over. She tried. You weren’t into her. She eventually got the hint and she’s moved on. Blocking you on Facebook is a VERY clear signal meaning “leave me the hell alone.” She’s not going to tell you to your face to leave her alone because that’s just _it_: she doesn’t want to talk to you. Dude, she craved your touch and you wouldn’t deign to hold her hand. Sheesh … why should she set herself up for another heartbreak? Move on. You live in INDIA. Do they make ugly women in India? No. Go find another one. ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/28 "2011-07-22T20:02:08Z")
> [@Lothario\_1](#): > > Why is being in _an uncomfortable situation_ such a big deal that you say that it is “inappropriate”? An uncomfortable situation will never kill anyone. Google “stalking” for stories about how uncomfortable situations, created by a person who was convinced that “no” didn’t really mean “no,” or that no contact didn’t really mean the person wasn’t interested, actually did end up killing people. You are expressing a mindset that is very close to the mindset of a stalker. She’s given you PLENTY of non-verbal messages that she’s not interested. By requiring her to give you a verbal one, on YOUR terms, you are placing her in an uncomfortable situation that she doesn’t know the ending of - women are often uncomfortable (for social norm reasons) verbally telling people “go away.” Intelligent and thoughtful people know this. > [@Lothario\_1](#): > > If the tables are turned and it’s a female stalking a male, noone will suggest she put him in an “uncomfortable situations”. Most people would say he seduced her and tried to take advantage and deserted her in the end. I would suggest that you not get your understanding of relationships from old viewings of _Fatal Attraction._ > [@Lothario\_1](#): > > Noone should cling to a love interest where all traffic is one-directional. Exactly. And all of the traffic in this situation is coming from you, therefore, one-directional. > [@Lothario\_1](#): > > All it takes is a firm “NO” for the other party to drop the line. And if you have to say it, say it on the face. No, that doesn’t hurt any feelings. On the contrary, it frees the man from keeping any expectations at all. A woman’s life isn’t all about you. She doesn’t owe you anything, and she’s given you adequate communication that she’s not interested. You just choose not to accept that communication. ---
**Author:** ![Lothario\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lothario\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lothario_1)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/29 "2011-07-22T20:07:29Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > You find it hard to believe that she got over you when you were acting like an asshole to her? Really? Just because she defended you at work doesn’t meant she has feelings for you. > > Let’s review… > > 1. You brushed her off. A lot. > 2. You knew she needed you and you decided not to respond. > 3. She invited you to a party she threw. Instead of reciprocating the gesture when you had a party, you didn’t invite her. > 4. You think women are over-emotional creatures incapable of keeping emotional baggage out of the workplace. > 5. She’s blocked you on facebook. > 6. She refuses to answer your messages. > 7. She hangs up on you as quickly as possible if you happen to talk on the phone. > 8. She’s otherwise giving you the cold shoulder. > 9. This has been going on for a long time. > > And there’s a “spark” here where? How does any of this encourage you or send you the message that maybe she’s interested in you? > > I will concede that she sounds as though, in the past, she’s been a little…needy. (Who yells at someone for standing too far away at work??) But apparently that has changed. As a woman I can tell you that this isn’t playing hard to get. This is a big, red flashing sign that says, “NOT INTERESTED. GO AWAY.” Thank you for your independent analysis. You may be correct. But, why shouldn’t I rather hear it from the horse’s mouth? It’s not like I’m stalking her. I respect her work space and so far was unsure of whether or not to take up it the next level. I don’t fear rejection. I’m just confused about the extent to which I must pursue this relationship. I’m genuinely attracted to her; whether or not I should go the extra mile I’m still undecided and wavering in my own feelings for her. I would rather her reject me on my face but that is PHASE 2 of loverboy mission. I’m still in Phase 1. First, I have to be fully sure myself and I’m exploring my own mind. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/30 "2011-07-22T20:14:59Z")
Is this a parody thread? ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/31 "2011-07-22T20:15:23Z")
Seriously OP, she’s just not that into you. I suggest you inflict your mad wooing skills on someone else and leave this gal alone. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/32 "2011-07-22T20:22:40Z")
My recommendation at this point is still to back off. Not only is there a personal aspect to your dilemma, there’s a professional one as well that I don’t think you’ve considered. I know you want to hear it directly from her, but think about it like this: You don’t report to her, but she’s still senior to you. I’m not 100% sure of the HR rules in India or within your company, but there’s a good chance that she’s not even allowed to date you. Even if she is, she probably won’t. Like you said, it’s a tight workplace. She needs to think about her own future. If she’s career-minded (and it sounds like she is) and she wants to remain at the company or even go somewhere else and continue to advance and maintain her professional integrity, I doubt that having an entanglement with someone lower down on the totem pole is going to do her career any good. From what I remember when I was last in India a couple of years ago, it’s still a “good ol’ boys” type of place. In other words, women are still less typical in the white collar workforce than men, women in a senior position are even less common. Despite the fact that it’s probably acceptable for a man to have a relationship with someone they work with, I’m guessing it’s not as acceptable for a woman, especially if they’re having a relationship with a subordinate. Regardless of your personal attributes, if I were in the same position as her, I wouldn’t date you, either. I’d be too afraid that I’d earn a bad reputation and be unable to move up the ladder or even possibly lose my job. When she was showing interest in you, was she senior to you at that point or were you equals? ---
**Author:** ![Lothario\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lothario\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lothario_1)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/33 "2011-07-22T20:25:58Z")
> [@Kolga](#): > > Google “stalking” for stories about how uncomfortable situations, created by a person who was convinced that “no” didn’t really mean “no,” or that no contact didn’t really mean the person wasn’t interested, actually did end up killing people. With all due respect again, you’re jumping to conclusions. So far I never told her that I’m growing feelings for her. She never said “no” when I didn’t say anything to her at all. You’re clearly obsessed with all the stalker stories. A stalker is someone who physically intimidates the other person with violent consequences. In our case, I’m keeping a window of opportunity open - all it would take for her is to say NO and I won’t bother her on this topic again. > [@Kolga](#): > > You are expressing a mindset that is very close to the mindset of a stalker. She’s given you PLENTY of non-verbal messages that she’s not interested. By requiring her to give you a verbal one, on YOUR terms, you are placing her in an uncomfortable situation that she doesn’t know the ending of - women are often uncomfortable (for social norm reasons) verbally telling people “go away.” Intelligent and thoughtful people know this. I don’t believe it. It doesn’t take a lot of maturity to say the simple word “NO”. She’s certainly been acting cold to me but I believe it’s partly driven by the fact that I myself don’t vocalize my own feelings to her. I keep a professional distance and am just wrapped up in my own mind whether or not to move the next level up. To call these entire non-verbal processes “stalking” is an insult to good education. > [@Kolga](#): > > I would suggest that you not get your understanding of relationships from old viewings of _Fatal Attraction._ I can say you’ve been reading too many books on male stalkers. It’s not fair to accuse someone you meet on the Internet who’s come for simple relationship advice. Clearly, with your cynicism on this subject, you don’t believe in the power of love which is a natural force as much newton’s gravity laws. Call me a romantic die-hard sentimentalist fool but that still doesn’t make me a stalker. > [@Kolga](#): > > Exactly. And all of the traffic in this situation is coming from you, therefore, one-directional. You clearly missed a few subtleties in my original post. Anyways, it’s not a 100% one-way traffic. I would know coz I’m dealing with it on a daily basis. > [@Kolga](#): > > A woman’s life isn’t all about you. She doesn’t owe you anything, and she’s given you adequate communication that she’s not interested. You just choose not to accept that communication. One cannot deny the validity of non-verbal communications but I’m sure if I ask her out on this, she wouldn’t mind using her tongue. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965/34 "2011-07-22T20:34:17Z")
Although it’s pretty much unanimous that you should back off on this pursuit, and all the evidence you presented to us tells us you should back off on this pursuit, you seem intent on ignoring all the advice that you supposedly asked for. Since this thread seems to be accomplishing nothing but frustration, I’m closing it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-reckon-she-might-be-still-interested-in-me-how-do-i-find-out/589965.md?page=1)