# You, sir, are insane **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 16, 2006, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912 "2006-05-16T01:50:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![percypercy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8baadc/32.png) [@percypercy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/percypercy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/1 "2006-05-16T01:50:04Z")
I was being nice by helping out on the phones today at work. Is there any reason why you had to be on the other end, you fraking whacko? The story: (as far as I could understand) I pick up a line and ask the man if he’s been helped. He starts babbling, but I pick out one of our nurse’s names. Me: “You want to speak to M?” Him: “Yeah, yeah, aren’t you M?” Me: “No sir, if you’ll hold just a mom…” Him: “Stop stuttering!” I look to the sky for salvation. Me: “I’m not stuttering sir. If you’ll just.” Him: “Are you sure you’re not M?” Pretty damned sure. Me: “Yes, sir. I’ll…” Him: “I have a voice recognition chip that says you’re M!” Oh, good for you. Me: “Hold on.” And that ended my time on the phones for the day. -Lil ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/2 "2006-05-16T02:14:42Z")
Well then, quit sounding like [M.](http://www.jamesbondmm.co.uk/mi6-officials/bernard-lee.php) ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/3 "2006-05-16T02:20:54Z")
I would have wanted to play with the guy: “not M, I said N!” and slur it just enough to make it confusing… Yes, I’m evil. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/4 "2006-05-16T02:23:05Z")
Yeah, well, I have a type recognition chip and it says you really are M! Oh, wait. That was my typing. May I talk to myself, please? ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/5 "2006-05-16T03:34:13Z")
Other possible replies: “You have a potato chip shaped like an “M”?” “Dad, put mom on the phone please” ---
**Author:** ![Glassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ea666f/32.png) [@Glassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Glassy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/6 "2006-05-16T03:47:27Z")
> [@percypercy](#): > > Me: “Yes, sir. I’ll…” > Him: “I have a voice recognition chip that says you’re M!” Oh yeah?! Well, \*I \* have a voice recognition chip that says you’re a banana milkshake! So quit with the pretending not to be a banana milkshake, you banana milkshake, you! ---
**Author:** ![percypercy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8baadc/32.png) [@percypercy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/percypercy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/7 "2006-05-16T04:04:53Z")
> [@Glassy](#): > > Oh yeah?! Well, \*I \* have a voice recognition chip that says you’re a banana milkshake! So quit with the pretending not to be a banana milkshake, you banana milkshake, you! No, no, no! I was stuttering, not shaking! There’s a difference. I think. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/8 "2006-05-16T06:08:26Z")
Just whistle a little tune. The guy will pick up on your identity soon enough. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/9 "2006-05-16T14:25:18Z")
I favor, “So there’s $350,000 in stolen cash buried under a giant “M” somewhere?” ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/10 "2006-05-16T16:27:08Z")
> [@cmkeller](#): > > I favor, “So there’s $350,000 in stolen cash buried under a giant “M” somewhere?” Thus reinforcing the idea that the caller was mad, mad, mad, mad, mad! ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/11 "2006-05-16T17:27:56Z")
This is one of those conversations you just want to rewrite in your head after the fact: Me: “You want to speak to M?” Him: “Yeah, yeah, aren’t you M?” Me: “I used to be – before the operation – but I’m Q now.” Him: “Stop stuttering!” Me: “I apologize. It’s the HRT.” Him: “Are you sure you’re not M?” Me: “My therapist says no.” Him: “I have a voice recognition chip that says you’re M!” Me: “Oh! You must be looking for the psych ward. Hold on.” ---
**Author:** ![samm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@samm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samm)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/12 "2006-05-16T18:10:09Z")
Yum. Where can I find a banana milkshake? That sounds so good. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/13 "2006-05-16T18:19:29Z")
Him: I have a voice recognition chip that says you’re M! You: I suggest you have that serviced, sir. It appears to be malfunctioning. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/14 "2006-05-16T18:36:29Z")
“Damn! You figured out that I really _am_ M. Now I’m gonna have to kill you. I’ll be right over. Please hold.” ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/15 "2006-05-16T22:42:52Z")
> [@Elendil's Heir](#): > > “Damn! You figured out that I really _am_ M. Now I’m gonna have to kill you. I’ll be right over. Please hold.” Four stars!!! And three thumbs-ups!! BTW, I’m very sorry he got your number by mistake. _I_ am Spratacus! ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/16 "2006-05-16T22:44:04Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > … > > BTW, I’m very sorry he got your number by mistake. _I_ am Spratacus! Uh, I meant to type “_I_ am M!” ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2006, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/17 "2006-05-16T23:53:45Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > Uh, I meant to type “_I_ am M!” No you didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2006, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-sir-are-insane/356912/18 "2006-05-17T12:43:48Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#): > > No you didn’t. You just can’t fool the Dopers!