:eek: You’re your own grandfather!
Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?
The car would be useful in case the villagers decide to have a burnin’ and you need to get away. But you’d need somewhere to hide it. You’d want a 4x4 though - no proper roads back then. You might struggle even then because most of the country is gonna be thick woodland so you’d have very limited options as to which roads to take. There’d probably only be the one main road (leading from one town to the next) that would be wide enough to take a horse and carriage.
The woods will be full of highwaymen and vagabonds but you can just wave at them as you cruise past at 50. The problem is that that tank of gas ain’t gonna last long and yet you’ve got to keep turning the car on to stop it getting a flat battery with no way to charge it up.
I’d also advise against using that M-16 for anything other than warning shots. Back then, I’d imagine any wound of that magnitude would invariably become gangrenous and be fatal.
Why would you care about killing some peasant schmuck in 1490? Imagine how many descendants he could have. Imagine how many people you’re accidentally wiped out of existence. You could have killed Lincoln’s great-great-great…etc grandfather.
I would keep my gob shut about matters religious, one slip-up and you might end up on trial for heresy. Everyone would take it for granted that you’re a Catholic, might as well keep quiet and let them assume that.
Try to avoid burninating the countryside.
Actually even using the car would probably only keep you ahead of the mob for a finite time.
Imagine it: you’re wandering around the village trying to collect food and information. After a while the villagers decide they’d better sacrifice you just to be on the safe side (in order to ensure a good harvest). You run to the barn, jump in the car, and drive out smashing the doors down and head off up the road giving them a hearty toot on the horn by way of goodbye.
OK great, you’ve escaped from those particular villagers temporarily but they know which way you went and you’ve only got one road to go down so they will follow you on to the next village. The next lot of villagers will have definitely noticed this big freaky horseless carriage going through and, when the villagers from the last village show up they’ll organise a posse and follow on.
Soon you’ll go through a small town where you’ll be noticed by a lot of people. The posse will still be behind you (going slowly but relentlessly). Eventually after maybe going through another town or two, they’ll get the army involved. So now they’ll be trained knights on horseback. They’ll still be far behind but they’ll still know which way you’ve gone. By now, you can’t stop for more than twenty minutes or so to grab food. And you’ll have an ever-expanding mob slowly following after you.
Eventually you will either run out of fuel or hit the coast and have to stop. The second you lose the car you suddenly lose all your advantage and become just like them in terms of speed. If you started in southern England you might get as far as Scotland before the car dies. But, by this time, you’ll have an enormous mob after you. They’ll probably have learned to spot the car tracks by now. Once they find the dead car, it’s only a matter of time.
I would just say:
***"Klaatu Varada…
…necktie?
…nickel?*
…oh hell, what is it?"**
Oh look, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I’m-My-Own-Grandfather. 
You tell them that you are the archangel… er… Alan. God has sent you to straighten things out, and God doesn’t tolerate those who get in his way. I think you should kill a couple of priests right off the bat to establish dominance, but then do some kissing up to the local bishop or cardinal – basically you want to make the priests your willing slaves and enforcers.
You car should be a big SUV, because it will be your home. Make sure it has an alarm so if someone starts messing with it, it will flash and honk. I wouldn’t want to go through a cold winter in one of their drafty pesthole dwellings.
What else you say depends on your goals. Are you there for life? Will you be commuting back to the present to restock luxury goods? You could finance your present-day purchases by bringin antiquities back with you to sell. You’d need to so some research on what the best goods would be.
Do you want to take over? Do you just want to have a vacation place where you don’t get hassled?
In that case I’d want something like the USS Nimitz.
Then you got like 5000 Navy guys competing with you. OTOH, an air force would give you a nice edge.
I disagree with the idea that everyone would automatically want to kill you. Unless you openly professed some kind of heretic belief, I really doubt it. I would think that as long as you were able to emphatically announce that you were a supporter of the King and you had come there to help him and his people, and the church, they would accept you on good faith.
I would just make it clear to them that in the future, God has rewarded the descendants of the English for their faith by granting tremendous powers to those who followed the true church, or something.
The key here is to emphasize the commonalities between yourself and the 15th-century English rather than the differences. Tell them that because of God’s favor of the English, the New World across the ocean was granted to the Crown. I would leave out the part about the American Revolution.
You have no way of knowing what exactly will be taken as heretical, barring a full study of provincial beliefs at the time. Even then, you can’t be 100% certain.
Talking about the Americas would, at best, give you a few odd looks - it’s 2 years before Columbus sails and Vinlandsaga is all but forgotten about. With no way of proving what you are saying you are likely to be taken as some sort of madman.
Forget talking about colonies and such (a concept not fully realised until at least a 100 years later in Elizabeth’s time).
Worth noting that ‘England’ at the time did not have the characteristics of a modern nation state you might assume it does; this would come much later, instigated by Henry VIII’s break with Rome (creating a national identity and sense of ‘Englishness’ previously unknown). Life was still provincial, backward, travel was appalling, news travelled slow. Superstitions were rife (the famous Witch Trials are two centuries in the future!). You have no incentive to listen to some oddly dressed man spouting off about concepts you have no knowledge or understanding of, and plentiful reasons for distrust and hostility. Dressed as you are, speaking in an odd accent and talking about the king, you may well be a foreign spy up to no good.
So I’ve got an M-16 and a case of ammo? I think I’d shoot the king and install myself on the throne, shooting anyone else who thought to oppose me. I would convince everyone that I was a powerful wizard through my weapon and other (apparently) magical feats. I would rule through fear and intimidation. I would create a vast army and conquer the known and (then) unknown world, uniting all with a common language and currency. Then, and only then, would I begin to educate a cadre of scientists and engineers, steering them towards the great scientific advances years ahead of our present history. That’s what I’d do.
…or you’d catch some disease, possibly cholera from bad water, and die in fairly short order.
Good tip. Boil all drinking water. Thanks!
Or you’d be stabbed in your sleep.
Boil all enemies, good idea.
Nevermind.