# You want to confuse people? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 2, 2003, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945 "2003-11-02T04:03:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Alex\_VA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f475e1/32.png) [@Alex\_VA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_VA)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/1 "2003-11-02T04:03:05Z")
Do you want to leave people engrossed in thought, laughing until their sides hurt, or feebly trying to correct your logic, distracted so you can swipe their lunch? Well listen up! You just have to use my world-famous if-not-never principles. Here are the basic laws: 1. Not and never are the same thing, to make your statements sound more grammatical. (goes with nor, non-, ect. too) 2. Move the not/never around in your sentence. It won’t sound correct, but you can tweak it a little. Example: I never eat fatty foods=I eat never fatty foods=I eat not fatty foods=I always eat non-fatty foods 3. Here’s where it gets confusing. Suppose something=something-else. Then not-something=not-something-else. (I got this from an SD column, try and find out which one) 4. Using math principles x_y=-x_-y. So not x=not y. This should work with words too. Example: Not never=not_never=not not_not never=always\*ever. Result: Not never=ever. True 5. Reword things 6. Use common sense Here’s the example that had my freind rolling on the floor: I’ll show my steps. I didn’t use all of the laws, but they help alot in other principles. Take the phrase “Laughter is the best medicine” Laughter=best medicine (5) Not laughing=not best medicine (3) Not laughing=worst medicine (5) Therefore, if you are sick and there is nothing funny going on, you might as well kill yourself, because it would be better for you. (6) This was my first phrase transformation, so it is principle #1. If you have any more, please post them (showing steps wanted, not required). ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/2 "2003-11-02T04:31:06Z")
I’m pretty sure there’s a remark about Yoda that would fit in here somewhere… ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/3 "2003-11-02T04:31:58Z")
I’m already confused. ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_VA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f475e1/32.png) [@Alex\_VA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_VA)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/4 "2003-11-02T04:39:02Z")
SEE! It works! ---
**Author:** ![j\_sum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@j\_sum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_sum1)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/5 "2003-11-02T04:43:45Z")
Sorry **Alex**. I disagree with your logic. Not best is not the same as worst. Which does not mean not best is the same as not worst. In fact not worst might be the same as not best. But not always. ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_VA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f475e1/32.png) [@Alex\_VA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_VA)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/6 "2003-11-02T05:02:32Z")
Yes, but if you tried to tell me that out loud, it would probably take 3 minutes with stuttering and stuff. That’s the beauty of it (I know) ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/7 "2003-11-02T06:00:36Z")
Goodness is the highest aesthetic. Therefore, Jesus is Lord. ---
**Author:** ![intheblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f4b2a3/32.png) [@intheblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/intheblink)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/8 "2003-11-02T06:08:39Z")
My immigrant grandparents talked like that. They were from Vatican City, and word order is fairly unimportant in Latin. ---
**Author:** ![Lamar\_Mundane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lamar\_Mundane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamar_Mundane)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/9 "2003-11-02T06:41:23Z")
You’re not getting laid much, are you? ---
**Author:** ![Psifireus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Psifireus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Psifireus)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/10 "2003-11-02T07:01:35Z")
i get it, you mean, like… “The truth hurts” Truth = pain No truth = no pain No truth = pleasure Therefore, if you want to give someone pleasure, _lie_ to them. Something like that? ---
**Author:** ![Kyomara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kyomara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyomara)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/11 "2003-11-02T11:00:14Z")
hmm… Time is money. time=money no time=no money Being busy makes one poor. Conversely, keep busy and you’ll have no money in no time! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2003, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/12 "2003-11-03T04:04:24Z")
Confused, we are. Hmmm? (Hey, can we have a Yoda smiley?) ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2003, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/13 "2003-11-03T04:34:54Z")
Given the amount of people who don’t seem to have a clue, I’d rather not. Thanks anyway! ---
**Author:** ![Engineer\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9fc29f/32.png) [@Engineer\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Engineer_Dude)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2003, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/14 "2003-11-03T07:24:55Z")
Here’s one: Girls require time and money, so: girls = time \* money Time is money, so: time = money girls = money^2 Money is the root of all evil, so: money = sqrt(evil) Therefore, it follows that: girls = (sqrt(evil))^2 **girls = evil** ---
**Author:** ![thatDDperson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9de0a6/32.png) [@thatDDperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thatDDperson)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2003, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/15 "2003-11-03T11:56:44Z")
No, people are confused enough already. What I want to do is stop confused people from being elected to public office. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2003, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/16 "2003-11-03T22:20:38Z")
I have two brothers, one older and one younger. My older brother has two brothers. I am the older of the two. My younger brother has two brothers. I am the younger of the two. I am my older brother’s older brother. I am my younger brother’s younger brother. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2003, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/17 "2003-11-04T00:31:37Z")
If I want to confuse anyone, I will just have them read this thread… that should work out fine. Or it shouldn’t not work out not bad. Or something… Anyway, you do realize your logic is off in your example. Right? ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2003, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/18 "2003-11-04T03:59:22Z")
I find that teaching the Pumping Lemma for Context Free Languages will confuse more people in less time than anything else. ---
**Author:** ![j\_sum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@j\_sum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_sum1)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-want-to-confuse-people/210945/19 "2003-11-04T04:38:20Z")
I’ve heard of dwarf tossing. I’ve heard of gerbil stuffing. And now I hear of Lemur pumping. All three have me greatly confused. Oh. Lemma pumping. That makes a whole lot more sense. If you have two lemma pumps, and don’t want either, is that a dilemma?