# You won't be raped tonight...you're fucking welcome, bitch. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 1, 2013, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845 "2013-06-01T06:05:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 20
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/381 "2013-06-06T21:08:10Z")
You know who else had a dicknose? Pinocchio!! ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/382 "2013-06-06T21:13:22Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > But _dicknose_ really? Come on, man. Fartplug? Felchtrickle? Nonnybait? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/383 "2013-06-06T21:37:45Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Charmingly self-deprecating as always, **Muffy** , but we both know you aren’t _that_ bad. Ah shucks. :o ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/384 "2013-06-06T22:09:32Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Fartplug? Felchtrickle? Nonnybait? Whatever floats your boat. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/385 "2013-06-07T02:41:35Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > But _dicknose_ really? Come on, man. Do. Not. Sneeze. And. . .is that a goiter? ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/386 "2013-06-07T03:20:39Z")
A bricklayer flirted with me in the Walgreens parking lot tonight and he wasn’t my type. Oh,save me Chessic Sense!! ---
**Author:** ![Crazyhorse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazyhorse/32/31_2.png) [@Crazyhorse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazyhorse)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/387 "2013-06-07T05:17:25Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > A bricklayer flirted with me in the Walgreens parking lot tonight and he wasn’t my type. Oh,save me Chessic Sense!! You have to say “Chief”, or he will rape you. You’re not my type, _Chief_. Only then will he understand that you are tough enough to stare him down, or call a friend or bouncer if push comes to shove. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/388 "2013-06-07T05:45:56Z")
> [@lance\_strongarm](#): > > Oh, wow, that completely ruins it. You said it’s stupid, so it’s stupid. > > I got myself into this by mistakenly coming to a pit thread, where being a childlike asshole is acceptable. I take responsibility for that, and now I’m going to leave the childlike assholes to themselves and leave you all to throw your sticks at each other instead. Bye. Didn’t you already do that earlier in this thread? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/389 "2013-06-07T09:21:18Z")
Bar patrons everywhere should be thankful that there are rape experts like Chessic. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/390 "2013-06-07T21:50:59Z")
> [@RaftPeople](#): > > “We approached the express lane and I knew immediately there was going to be trouble. With 15 items already on the belt and 3 more in her basket, this little old lady was giving the finger to the entire “15 Items or Less” system, and she knew it. I asked my buddy the Marine to watch my back, I was diving into this head first and it wasn’t going to be pretty…” > [@Quint](#): > > You see, I have to be who I am, and that is someone who doesn’t turn the other cheek. Someone who knows that to stand by doing nothing allows the petty tyrants of this world to run roughshod over the freedoms that make our very lives worth living. And this relic of the depression thought nobody was going to call her on her attempt to drag a good checkout line into a very bad place. > The thing she didn’t count on was me- someone with the “male part” so deep in him that the Wife and I often debated whether nature or nurture was to blame for the stands I chose to take. Worse still for her, my buddy Marine was with me- we shared the same credo, but he was a lot less likely than me to allow the standard social niceties to temper his response… > [@RaftPeople](#): > > “…dazed, barely conscious, blood dripping from my nose, I could just make out the fluorescent lights on the ceiling as I lay on the ground. I had stirred up a hornets nest and now my next move was survival. The little old lady had Marine buddy in a headlock and looked to be preparing a vicious groin punch. I surveyed my surroundings, looking for any advantage, anyone or anything that might be able to help me…” Well, don’t leave us hanging. What happened next??? ---
**Author:** ![RobDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f07891/32.png) [@RobDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobDog)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/391 "2013-06-07T22:18:27Z")
I could see that the baboochka still had Marine by the yarbles, and all that I, Chessix, could do is hope some other chelloveck would crack up the dratsing as I lay there while old Ludwig van played on the tannoy. Marine was creeching as the baboochka moved her steely grip to his gorlo. Oh my brothers, what a platching he made as Barfly and Wifey smotted on, there’d be none of the old in-and-out for him tonight… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2013, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/392 "2013-06-07T22:38:38Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Fartplug? Felchtrickle? Nonnybait? Shit rooster? Cock lamp? Ass taxi? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845/393 "2013-06-08T01:41:07Z")
> [@RobDog](#): > > I could see that the baboochka still had Marine by the yarbles, and all that I, Chessix, could do is hope some other chelloveck would crack up the dratsing as I lay there while old Ludwig van played on the tannoy. Marine was creeching as the baboochka moved her steely grip to his gorlo. Oh my brothers, what a platching he made as Barfly and Wifey smotted on, there’d be none of the old in-and-out for him tonight… RobDog wins the thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-wont-be-raped-tonight-youre-fucking-welcome-bitch/659845.md?page=19)