# You, yes, you... are POPE. What now? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 1, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914 "2003-10-01T13:29:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/41 "2003-10-02T09:26:42Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Guinastasia_ > **I’d do the women priests** Hehehheh. You said “do”. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/42 "2003-10-02T09:41:58Z")
> [@](#): > > _Quoth Happy Scrappy Hero Pup_ > If the College of Cardinals wants YOU, Joe Nobody, then you are Pope Joe Nobody. They ordain you, advance you, and make you Pope. Sounds like a reality TV show premise to me… ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_With\_Words](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weird_with_words/32/385_2.png) [@Weird\_With\_Words](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_With_Words)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/43 "2003-10-02T10:10:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jjimm \* > \*\*Hehehheh. You said “do”. \*\* Then you said “do”. Heheheh… do-do… ---
**Author:** ![Zap\_Rowsdower](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3da27b/32.png) [@Zap\_Rowsdower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zap_Rowsdower)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/44 "2003-10-02T13:05:49Z")
Toga! Toga! Toga! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/45 "2003-10-02T15:34:42Z")
I would _immediately_ follow in the footsteps of Pope Stephen. [http://www.karenlyster.com/trial.html](http://www.karenlyster.com/trial.html) Only, no trial. Can you say “lawn darts”? I KNEW YOU COULD!! YAAAAYYY! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/46 "2003-10-02T15:55:37Z")
First, I’d contract Radiohead to write the new processional, and a few new hymns. I’d spend a few weeks digging in the legendary vaults of Vatican City, unearth a few arcana, reveal The Truth about anything I found out The Truth about, and then have the world’s coolest garage sale. Organists must either play with a full backup band, or retire. Man, I’m writing some serious sermons already. Anyone know where I can hire a good coreographer? Banners for every church, reading “Love thy neighbor as thyself”, in big bold red letters. Dozens of them. Everywhere. In addition to the Popemobile, I’d commission the PopeCopter, the PopeBoat, the PopeCycle, and of course, the PopeCave. I’d do everything I could to get people to treat each other nicely. Despite whatever books they may have used to justify doing otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/47 "2003-10-02T17:29:17Z")
**In addition to the Popemobile, I’d commission the PopeCopter, the PopeBoat, the PopeCycle, and of course, the PopeCave.** You forgot one. The Holy Segwaymobile. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/48 "2003-10-02T17:47:21Z")
Oh, come on people, let’s get serious here! … Mmmm, on second thought, NOT! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! PS – If you see me (the Pope) come up to you with my cheeks puffed out and saying “What am I?”, run! ---
**Author:** ![Papaveraceae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e8c25b/32.png) [@Papaveraceae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Papaveraceae)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/49 "2003-10-02T17:50:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*I would _immediately_ follow in the footsteps of Pope Stephen. > > [http://www.karenlyster.com/trial.html](http://www.karenlyster.com/trial.html) > > Only, no trial. > > \*\* :eek: He did WHAT?!? ---
**Author:** ![Papaveraceae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e8c25b/32.png) [@Papaveraceae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Papaveraceae)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/50 "2003-10-02T17:53:45Z")
oh, and **IT’S GOOD TO BE KING** I simply _cannot_ believe that no-one said that yet. ---
**Author:** ![eunoia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eunoia/32/97_2.png) [@eunoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eunoia)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/51 "2003-10-02T18:30:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MrVisible \* > \*\*In addition to the Popemobile, I’d commission the PopeCopter, the > PopeBoat, the PopeCycle, and of course, the PopeCave. > \*\* Camerlengo! The PopeSignal! ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/52 "2003-10-02T18:55:31Z")
I would also begin referring to everything especially holy as “Popetacular” or “Poperiffic.” ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/53 "2003-10-02T19:48:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Happy Scrappy Hero Pup \* > \*\*I would also begin referring to everything especially holy as “Popetacular” or “Poperiffic.” \*\* Well, that would certainly make you pope-ular! Would you cash in on this with your own brand of Soda Pope™? When the street vendors sell binoculars so people can see you from far away, would these be Poper Scopers™? OK, I’ll stop now … ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/54 "2003-10-02T23:00:08Z")
Yeah, you think you’ll change everything. Start making waves in the Vatican and Michael Corleone has your tea posined and a cardinal will be shot and thrown down the stairwell. A GD topic for sure but some folks believe pope JP I was bumped off for rocking the popeboat. ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy154](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/ad7895/32.png) [@quiltguy154](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy154)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/55 "2003-10-03T00:02:50Z")
Yeah, too bad he was embalmed within hours of his death. All those pesky little medical tests that couldn’t be performed. Timing is everything. ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy154](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/ad7895/32.png) [@quiltguy154](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy154)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/56 "2003-10-03T00:10:43Z")
Yeah, too bad he was embalmed within hours of his death. All those pesky little medical tests that couldn’t be performed. Timing is everything. ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy154](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/ad7895/32.png) [@quiltguy154](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy154)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/57 "2003-10-03T00:14:31Z")
Timing, as in NOT double-posting. ---
**Author:** ![hebesphenomegacorona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9e5f3/32.png) [@hebesphenomegacorona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hebesphenomegacorona)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/58 "2003-10-03T00:31:36Z")
Make everything good again. With beer. ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/59 "2003-10-03T08:26:41Z")
I would start mixing in quotes from Led Zeplin and Pink Floyd with bible verses I used in my sermons, just to see if anyone noticed. And if they did, if they would call me on it. I’d be a blast at dinners with heads of state. “Hang on a sec, Mr. President…” (spend a few seconds staring at the ceiling attentively) “Yup, God specifically told me to tell you that you’re a dick.” I’d do a little Pope dance whenever I was on camera, and it’d become an international craze. People everywhere would be saying “Do the Pope!” I think I’d find that encouraging. I’d do the late-night talk show circuit. A lot. “Well, gee, Conan, I guess you’ll be burning in hell forever for that last skit. No, really.” I’d take a lot of questions from the audience, and start answering in koans, limericks, and knock-knock jokes. I’d publish a book of my exquisite poetry, made up entirely of variations on the word ‘margarine’. I’d call it the Book of Merry Margarine, and I’d make sure it was sold via infomercials throughout the world. I’d cause immense puzzlement by scratching myself rudely at random events, and declaring, “Goddamn, this robe chafes like a bitch!” I’d declare world peace, and anybody that didn’t go along I’d whack in the head with my staff. ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914/60 "2003-10-03T11:04:52Z")
I would give the same speech Cerebus gives when he becomes pope. To paraphrase… “You’ve been told all your life that God loves you. This isn’t true. God loves rich people, that why he gives them all the money. God loves strong people, that’s why he gives them the strength to beat every one up. God hates poor people. God hates weak people. God especially hates the sick and crippled. If you are sick or crippled and aren’t dead then you’re disobeying God’s will.” Then I’d demand more money or everyone would go to Hell. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/you-yes-you-are-pope-what-now/204914.md?page=4)