# Your 11 Year Old Daughter is Getting Sexted by a 13 Year Old Boy: What Do You Do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 28, 2010, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381 "2010-07-28T22:57:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/21 "2010-07-29T14:56:23Z")
I would inform the boy’s parents and make a solid effort to disengage the girl from this particular boy. At 11, she may not yet be completely in the sway of hormonal rebellion. And I would have a few more talks about what reasonable interaction between boys and girls at that age entails. A lot of girls can get manipulated in the quest to be popular. Hopefully she’s not falling prey to that. There are also services you can get that automatically monitor a kid’s texts. If my kid at that age had a legitimate reason to need a phone, I might consider such a service pre-emptively. Sure kids need some privacy, but they aren’t entitled to up the ante in an escalating war of technology-enabled misbehavior. ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/22 "2010-07-29T15:03:53Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Text back: “Hi, It’s (enter child’s name) Mom. What’s your mom’s cell phone number so that I can forward these msgs to her?” This is the best response of the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/23 "2010-07-29T15:05:39Z")
Talking to the kid’s parents is a good step. In our school district, this is covered under their sexual harassment policies for students and is seen as a type of bullying (if its unwelcome by parent or child). So I’d probably let the dean of students know as well. (Texting, Facebook, Email - if one student in the district is doing it to another student in the district, the district will make it their business if they know about it). ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/24 "2010-07-29T16:01:32Z")
There’s a huge difference between 11 and 13. IMHO, 11 year old girls do not need to be dating or semi-dating anyone, and that wouldn’t have happened with my hypothetical daughter. So, first off, she wouldn’t be seeing this boy anymore, certainly not outside of my presence. I’d also speak to the boy’s parents about it. If I found out my son was sending texts like that, he would no longer have a cell phone, and be watched much more closely from then on. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/25 "2010-07-29T17:08:47Z")
> [@Silver\_Fire](#): > > If I know them and I think talking to them would benefit the situation, I would absolutely do that. If those things were not true… I don’t know. I really don’t. Cops seem extreme, but still appropriate somehow. Or I could confront the kid myself but how likely is that to be effective? Obviously I would have to do something though. I was with you until I got to this point. Cops? Why? What would they do? Would they actually get involved in stuff like this? ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/26 "2010-07-29T21:15:49Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Text back: “Hi, It’s (enter child’s name) Mom. What’s your mom’s cell phone number so that I can forward these msgs to her?” Win. Unless the 13 year old is truly clueless, this lets him know that the 11 year old’s mom is aware of the situation, and (horrors!) is going to discuss his activities with HIS mom. It’s possible that his mother is basically letting him raise himself, but it’s more likely that she does NOT want him engaging in this sort of behavior, especially with a girl who is (comparatively) so much younger. If I’d been in this situation when my daughter was about 11, this is what I’d do. And then, I’d keep track of the messages my daughter received for at least a while. ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/27 "2010-07-29T21:27:40Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > (why the hell does an 11 year old girl need a cell phone?) Well my 10 year old son has (and needs) a cell phone. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/28 "2010-07-29T21:34:15Z")
Why does he need one? What did kids who need cell phones do in the days before cell phones? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/29 "2010-07-29T21:34:29Z")
I suppose my initial caveman response of bouncing the boy off the nearest wall while explaining to him that I can and will do much worse if it ever happens again would be frowned upon? ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/30 "2010-07-29T21:41:57Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Why does he need one? > > What did kids who need cell phones do in the days before cell phones? He needs one because he travels as an unaccompanied minor on Amtrak regularly and both his mother and I feel more comfortable knowing he can contact either of us when he is on the train. Would it be possible for him to travel without it? Yes. Either he could be on the train without it or I could drive the 12 hours each weekend as I did before he turned 8. This is a better solution, and there is no significant downside to him having the phone. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/31 "2010-07-29T21:43:58Z")
In a situation like that, I can see the practicality. I don’t see why any kid that age needs a cell phone for social purposes, though. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/32 "2010-07-29T21:58:04Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > I suppose my initial caveman response of bouncing the boy off the nearest wall while explaining to him that I can and will do much worse if it ever happens again would be frowned upon? See above. If you want to impress people with how you’re tougher than a thirteen-year-old, don’t do it with _my_ son for one. Have a _polite_ word with me first and it’s just possible matters might be resolved peacefully. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/33 "2010-07-29T22:00:46Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > My 11 year old daughter would not have a cell phone or be “semi-dating” a 13-year old in the first place, but hypothetically if she did get texts like that, I would call the boy’s parents and let them know that if it ever happened again, I would put their kid in a fucking wheelchair. You know it’s infinitely possible (as in as soon as she gets a cell) that your daughter may one day send texts similiar to those mentioned which quite honestly don’t seem that sexually explicit. Will you be standing aside when the parent of the boy or girl who received those texts puts your daughter into a wheelchair? ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/34 "2010-07-29T22:09:31Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Overheard while on the Smoker’s Porch (and in public so I don’t think it’s any greatly confidential matter, not that I’m giving names or anything): > > A co-worker has an 11 year old daughter who’s been semi-dating a 13 year old boy. Her mom didn’t think it was anything serious and they haven’t been dating as in going out at night- just seeing each other at friend’s parties and the like. > > She found out that the 13 year old has been sending her daughter texts telling her things like “Your ass looked so great in those jeans you had on” “I loved how your thighs felt on my shoulders when we were playing chicken” at a swimming party and asking her to send him pictures of herself in a bikini. She was very glad to learn at the same time that her daughter’s responses were to tell him he was making her uncomfortable and to stop. > > So, bearing in mind I don’t know either of the kids in this situation or how physically mature either kid is, is this normal puberty behavior for a 13 year old boy? How would you deal with it? (Sexting just wasn’t an issue of course when I was a teenager.) I’d definitely let his parents know, but I don’t know if it warrants pursuing beyond that. > > (I should perhaps add that I’m not a parent and I was extremely shy when I was 13.) I was raised in a very sexually conservative community and this would not be viewed as unusual teenage boy behavior. If the boy persisted after being told to leave the girl alone then it would be considered a problem. Honestly, the kids playing chicken at a pool party would be considered the more serious problem. Asking for a picture in a bikini? Meh, Bikini’s are not necessarily slut wear and it is summer. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/35 "2010-07-29T22:18:14Z")
She will not get a cell phone, and if she did she wouldn’t be sending sexually predatory messages to preteens, but if she did that asa teenager, which she wouldn’t, I would completely understand the anger on the aprt of th victim’s parents and put a stop to it. In all honesty, I don’t think I’d literally make that threat to the parents of the boy in this case. That’s the kind of thing I say I’m going to do in the initial flash of anger when I find out. Then my wife calms me down and tells me not to do anything idiotic. What would really happen is that I would stomp around the house saying I was going to kick the kid’s ass, then my wife would call the kid’s parents and work it out with them, or I would call after I calmed down. I have an incandescent temper sometimes, which has never worked out to my benefit, but it burns out fast. My wife just keeps me from doing anything too retarded until it does. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/36 "2010-07-29T22:25:27Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > I suppose my initial caveman response of bouncing the boy off the nearest wall while explaining to him that I can and will do much worse if it ever happens again would be frowned upon? As a first response, that’s inappropriate. You gotta go through the steps of the dance, that is, letting the kid know that you know what he’s doing, and letting the kid’s parents know what he’s up to. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/37 "2010-07-29T22:39:24Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > In all honesty, I don’t think I’d literally make that threat to the parents of the boy in this case. That’s the kind of thing I say I’m going to do in the initial flash of anger when I find out. Then my wife calms me down and tells me not to do anything idiotic. > > What would really happen is that I would stomp around the house saying I was going to kick the kid’s ass, then my wife would call the kid’s parents and work it out with them, or I would call after I calmed down. I have an incandescent temper sometimes, which has never worked out to my benefit, but it burns out fast. My wife just keeps me from doing anything too retarded until it does. Ah yes, I’ve sung _that_ tune myself a few times. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/38 "2010-07-29T22:42:21Z")
First of all, this is not “sexting”, it’s exactly what kids have been doing forever, just with new technology. The best response for the parent of the girl is to talk to her about it, and use the opportunity to let her know she should always be assertive about what she doesn’t want. In two or three years, she will begin exploring her sexuality, so an opportunity to talk about it in advance will be useful. Oh, and anyone who thinks 13-14 year old kids don’t at least start exploring sexuality knows nothing about teenagers, whether they claim to have children or not, and beating up whoever your child is dating would be a good way to lose them forever, even if you were lucky enough to avoid jail. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/39 "2010-07-29T22:43:01Z")
I agree with the “Why do an 11 year old girl/13 year old boy need cellphones for everyday use?” question. I understand for special circumstances- going out of town or what-not- but so long as there’s a landline in the house the fact that many of their classmates have one doesn’t equal a need. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/40 "2010-07-29T23:13:10Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > > [@Oakminster](#): > > > > I suppose my initial caveman response of bouncing the boy off the nearest wall while explaining to him that I can and will do much worse if it ever happens again would be frowned upon? > > As a first response, that’s inappropriate. You gotta go through the steps of the dance, that is, letting the kid know that you know what he’s doing, and letting the kid’s parents know what he’s up to. It is probably a good thing that I do not have children. Potential harm to one of them brings my fangs out. Of course, if I did have children, I’d probably have a wife, like Dio’s, who will calm my temper, and likely administer a tongue lashing that the boy in question will never forget. The kinda gal that could drag me to the altar is gonna be pretty formidable in her own right. Think Mattie Ross, but lusty instead of prude-ish. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381.md?page=3)