# Your 11 Year Old Daughter is Getting Sexted by a 13 Year Old Boy: What Do You Do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 28, 2010, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381 "2010-07-28T22:57:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/41 "2010-07-29T23:23:50Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > I agree with the “Why do an 11 year old girl/13 year old boy need cellphones for everyday use?” question. Because “But MO-OM!! Everybody ELSE has their own phone! I _neeeeeed_ one!” and parents are dumb enough to buy into it. > [@overlyverbose](#): > > I was with you until I got to this point. Cops? Why? What would they do? Would they actually get involved in stuff like this? Oh, this is probably unique to me. I live in Small Town, USA where I’m on a first name basis with at least half of the sheriff’s department and am currently the campaign manager for a former city cop who is now running for sheriff. A quick call to any of them and they would take time out of their day to stop by and talk to the kid regarding his persistent, unwanted advances toward my daughter despite being asked to stop. Might even be a wake up call to the parents (remember, if I take this route it’s because they are not helpful with the situation involving their child). As far as an actual criminal complaint, assuming there is one to be made (and it’s got to be harassment at the very least if he’s been asked to stop and hasn’t), yes, the police would get involved. They would respond to complaint calls and make reports and probably suggest a protective order of some kind. I’m not saying they would run out and arrest the kid but, again, assuming there is a crime, there would be at least some police involvement. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/42 "2010-07-29T23:32:16Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > She will not get a cell phone, and if she did she wouldn’t be sending sexually predatory messages to preteens, but if she did that asa teenager, which she wouldn’t, I would completely understand the anger on the aprt of th victim’s parents and put a stop to it. > > In all honesty, I don’t think I’d literally make that threat to the parents of the boy in this case. That’s the kind of thing I say I’m going to do in the initial flash of anger when I find out. Then my wife calms me down and tells me not to do anything idiotic. > > What would really happen is that I would stomp around the house saying I was going to kick the kid’s ass, then my wife would call the kid’s parents and work it out with them, or I would call after I calmed down. I have an incandescent temper sometimes, which has never worked out to my benefit, but it burns out fast. My wife just keeps me from doing anything too retarded until it does. Dio: I just wanted to say that I totally respect that you came back and said this. A lot of times I see you making posts from the heat of that temper (or, if not temper, at least the fires of indignation and righteousness), and then being stubborn and sticking with it even when it’s pointed out that your initial reaction may not have been well thought-out. I am not being sarcastic, and I’m not meaning to damn you with faint praise. Just letting you know that this bit of self-reflection is appreciated. –MtO ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/43 "2010-07-30T08:41:25Z")
Jeezus. When I was 11 I was interested in horses and making the most of my Derwent 48. I knew boys and they were my _friends_. How it’s all become so complicated is, in my opinion, the fault of parents universally. Seems to me that kids now rule the world, and that parents are continuously wanting to accommodate them, and their wonts. An 11-year-old does not need a phone. An 11-year-old should probably never be anywhere a parent feels the need for the ‘security’ of a mobile phone. I mean _where_? At school? At their friends houses? The short trips between wherever it is they’re going? I know NINE-year-old girls getting more explicit texts than this one. From people they ‘met’ on effin’ _Facebook_. And what did the parents’ do? Shrugged and smirked and dismissed their parental responsibility with the ol’ “Oh well. I guess that’s what kids _do_ these days…” “Kids these days” also stab each other, and rape each other, and bully each other in ways unfathomed in days gone by. 13-year-olds have LIPSTICK parties FFS… I think a large part of my brain exploded on knowing about _that_ one… 10-year-olds know about, and have _seen_ porn. Tell me how _that_ doesn’t fuck you up in the sex stakes. I know of someone who is more than comfortable, nay \*encourages \*her 10-year-old daughter to watch ‘Sex and the City’ - “…because she _likes_ it…!” Fuck. Me. I like ‘Sex and the City’ too - but I’d be damned if I’d have a 10-year-old watching a sex therapist scene where the hand job procedure results in an onlooker two metres away getting shot in the face with his wad. God help us. _sigh_ There’s _my_ rant for the day. Carry on! ---
**Author:** ![Chicagojeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@Chicagojeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicagojeff)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/44 "2010-07-30T09:38:05Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > > [@Silver\_Fire](#): > > > > If I know them and I think talking to them would benefit the situation, I would absolutely do that. If those things were not true… I don’t know. I really don’t. Cops seem extreme, but still appropriate somehow. Or I could confront the kid myself but how likely is that to be effective? Obviously I would have to do something though. > > I was with you until I got to this point. Cops? Why? What would they do? Would they actually get involved in stuff like this? As far as where i work? No.. except when i would gently remind a certain Dad that we’re not putting anyone in a wheelchair. ---
**Author:** ![Chicagojeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@Chicagojeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicagojeff)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/45 "2010-07-30T09:45:47Z")
I have both a 13 yr old boy and an 11yr old girl… she’s way more interested than he is… basically if its not about basketball he could give a damn… I’ve had to bribe him to go to dances… In both as a parent and as unintended mediator of situations just like this one… I frequently wonder when did parents stop being able to talk to each other. I know theirs always “that” family where the kids are raised by wolves… but by and large parents need to remember that they are the adults and talk to each other about whats happening and whats NOT going to happening in the future. The one issue that I keep getting “work” involved on is when one adult addresses anothers child in a just short of threatening manner. Parents should be the first step… sometimes the other one won’t have a clue… then if it continues its on the the school. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/46 "2010-07-30T14:34:41Z")
The boy sounds a little creepy to me, sounds like he might be one of those people who keep "accidently"touching others. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/47 "2010-07-30T14:43:26Z")
> [@Chicagojeff](#): > > I have both a 13 yr old boy and an 11yr old girl.. she’s way more interested than he is.. basically if its not about basketball he could give a damn.. I’ve had to bribe him to go to dances.. > In both as a parent and as unintended mediator of situations just like this one.. I frequently wonder when did parents stop being able to talk to each other. I know theirs always “that” family where the kids are raised by wolves.. but by and large parents need to remember that they are the adults and talk to each other about whats happening and whats NOT going to happening in the future. The one issue that I keep getting “work” involved on is when one adult addresses anothers child in a just short of threatening manner. Parents should be the first step.. sometimes the other one won’t have a clue.. then if it continues its on the the school. You raise an interesting point about parents talking to each other. As a parent and a person, I feel uncomfortable with confrontation and telling someone that something may be wrong. So I can see myself not liking to have to talk to a parent, but I can’t see myself refusing to do it because doing it is the right thing to do. Perhaps in an age where e-mail is so ubiquitous, decreasing the amount of time you spend talking with people, and families and friends are so insular, we’ve kind of forgotten how to talk to people we don’t know very well, other kids’ parents included? ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/48 "2010-07-30T14:46:11Z")
Hey **6ImpossibleThings** , lipstick parties are an urban legend. And by the way, kids always have had sexual thoughts and sometimes messed around. Did you not see the ‘what age did you see your first porn?’ thread on here? This isn’t a new thing. Cell phones and Facebook are a new thing, but I imagine when you were 11 it was much more common for kids to go off and play all day without parental supervision, when now these kids just avoid their parents’ constant supervision by using their phones and computers. Doesn’t mean it’s okay for kids to sexually harass each other, though. I agree with the people in this thread who’ve said the 11 year old would not have a cell phone. Or if she needed a cell phone for safety reasons, I wouldn’t allow her to text friends. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/49 "2010-07-30T14:59:53Z")
Aren’t there cell phones that just allow you to call certain numbers? I can see the potential need for a cell phone, but like a computer, I’d want to limit accessible numbers - it seems like it’d be a matter not only of security, but also financial protection. ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/50 "2010-07-30T15:03:26Z")
BTW for a bit of perspective > [@Sampiro](#): > > … her daughter’s responses were to tell him he was making her uncomfortable and to stop. and that and **Sampiro** ’s other post in this thread did not state that that was not, in fact, the end of that. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/51 "2010-07-30T15:09:46Z")
> [@Silver\_Fire](#): > > Every time I see this thread title, I mentally all-caps the “WHAT DO YOU DO?” part and then immediately think “Shoot the hostage.” One of my all-time favorite movies. Thanks for the laugh. 😃 I do have an 11 year old daughter, and she does have a cell phone for emergencies only. It stays turned off 99% of the time. If I saw a message like that on her phone, the first thing I would do would be to call the parents: unless she handled the situation the way the child in the OP did. Then the first thing I would do would be to commend her for her decision, because she handled it like an adult. If I saw it the second time, then it would be a call to the parents. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/52 "2010-07-30T15:14:15Z")
I’m honestly not sure whether it’s appropriate for an 11 year old to have a phone, but you people do realise that she will come into contact with older boys anyway, and the phone is just the medium? ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/53 "2010-07-30T15:23:44Z")
> [@Mops](#): > > BTW for a bit of perspective > > > [@Sampiro](#): > > > > … her daughter’s responses were to tell him he was making her uncomfortable and to stop. > > and that and **Sampiro** ’s other post in this thread did not state that that was not, in fact, the end of that. I honestly have no idea. I haven’t seen the co-worker since I started the thread. She did say she was thinking of texting the boyfriend a picture of herself holding a sign that said “Stay Away From My Daughter”, but another co-worker said that could backfire by turning it into a Romeo & Juliet forbidden love thing, which I think might be valid. BTW, “uncomfortable” is my word; per the mother it was more like “That’s gross, quit it!” if it makes a difference. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/54 "2010-07-30T15:33:47Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > Aren’t there cell phones that just allow you to call certain numbers? My cell phone (a totally unfancy Motorola) has a security setting that is password protected that allows users three options for incoming calls, outgoing calls, and text messages. You can either allow all, block all, or limit them to contacts only. There is also a way to password protect the contact list so that other people (an 11 year old daughter, for example) could not change or add any numbers. Beyond that, I know both Verizon and T-mobile have plan features that allow you to control usage for some monthly fee right on the website. I would be very surprised if the carriers I am not familiar with did not have something similar. Actually, I just looked and the settings for texts are only either allow all or block all. The calls have an option to accept from contacts only. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/55 "2010-07-30T16:03:16Z")
First, take my daughter out to the restaurant of her choice and tell her again how proud I am of her response. Second, invite the boy and his family over for Sunday dinner. Have a lovely and relaxed dinner; openly discuss the problem and my expectations of respectful treatment for my daughter over iced tea and lemon meringue pie afterward. In the den. Under the display of guns and swords which I intend to put up in a couple of years. Third, make sure that the two are well-supervised, if in fact she chooses to keep hanging out with him at all, which I frankly hope she won’t. Fourth if I don’t like his/their response, let the Mothers of her friends know my concerns about this boy and his intentions, which are clearly not centered on intellectual companionship. The reason for this is that I woudl not consider those attentions appropriate to be aimed at an 11-year-old, and woudl be very concerned about how quickly this boy might accelerate once he found a naive and vulnerable girl. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/56 "2010-07-30T16:21:30Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > > [@Mops](#): > > > > BTW for a bit of perspective > > > > > [@Sampiro](#): > > > > > > … her daughter’s responses were to tell him he was making her uncomfortable and to stop. > > > > and that and **Sampiro** ’s other post in this thread did not state that that was not, in fact, the end of that. > > I honestly have no idea. I haven’t seen the co-worker since I started the thread. She did say she was thinking of texting the boyfriend a picture of herself holding a sign that said “Stay Away From My Daughter”, but another co-worker said that could backfire by turning it into a Romeo & Juliet forbidden love thing, which I think might be valid. For an 11 year old? Not valid at all. The parents end all contact. What’s an 11 year old going to do about, run away from home on her bike? Anyway, it sounds like the girl didn’t want that kind of attention anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/57 "2010-07-30T16:23:38Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > I’m honestly not sure whether it’s appropriate for an 11 year old to have a phone, but you people do realise that she will come into contact with older boys anyway, and the phone is just the medium? Mine won’t. Not unsupervised, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/58 "2010-07-30T17:15:37Z")
I think an eleven year needs to be told that it is _okay_ and normal to not want to play these games with this boy. I speak as a fourteen year old who got French kissed and felt up by a sixteen year old and DID NOT like it. I thought I was supposed to, and that there was something wrong with me because I didn’t like it. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/59 "2010-07-30T17:45:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Steophan](#): > > > > I’m honestly not sure whether it’s appropriate for an 11 year old to have a phone, but you people do realise that she will come into contact with older boys anyway, and the phone is just the medium? > > Mine won’t. Not unsupervised, anyway. Planning on home-schooling her inside an artic fortress? Teenagers will find a way of getting together with each other. They do in Saudi Arabia and Iran with morals police patrolling shopping malls. Some girls dial random phone numbers hoping a boy will answer and they figure out how to met from there. It’s not easy, but they find ways. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381/60 "2010-07-30T17:53:10Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Steophan](#): > > > > I’m honestly not sure whether it’s appropriate for an 11 year old to have a phone, but you people do realise that she will come into contact with older boys anyway, and the phone is just the medium? > > Mine won’t. Not unsupervised, anyway. That’s remarkably naive. Do you not remember being that age? She will find a way to do more or less anything she wants. Of course, you could lock her up until she turns 18, but then she’ll have to deal with all this then, with no knowledge of how to do so, and much less protection. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-11-year-old-daughter-is-getting-sexted-by-a-13-year-old-boy-what-do-you-do/548381.md?page=4)