Your 18-yo child has an older lover. What's the minimum age difference you're comfortable with...

[Miller]

@RTFirefly

If he did get involved with a woman substantially older than himself, I’d suggest they agree, in writing, that unless and until they married, any offspring from their relationship were legally hers alone - he would give up any custody and visitation rights, and she would give up any right to hit him up for child support.

AIUI, those sorts of agreements aren’t legally binding.

[Hector_St_Clare]

@romadea

When I was 16 I also dated a 21-year-old (or two…) and my parents didn’t have a problem with it, so I don’t see myself having a problem with it… but I don’t have kids of any age, so I can’t say for 100% sure. It’s just that when I was younger, I dated guys who were older and guys who were my age, and frankly there was not that big of a difference in terms of their maturity levels, in my opinion.

I do think there’s something of a difference between 16 and 18. Yes, the age of consent/adulthood is arguably a bit arbitrary, but most people do change a fair bit between 16 and 18. You’re right that maturity (especially emotional maturity) varies a lot between people. If I had a 16-year old kid who wanted to date an older person, I’d probably encourage them to keep the relationship platonic, or at least hold off on sex, till they were 18. Two years is not that long to wait in the scheme of things.

@romadea

It wouldn’t matter if my kid was gay or not. It might be different if it was my son vs. my daughter. I think I’d be somewhat less comfortable with my son dating an older woman. Maybe because I would be able to relate to a daughter who wanted to date older guys, but not a woman who wanted to date much younger men.

I think it would also depend on my kid’s personality and their emotional maturity. I know that my parents let me do certain things at an earlier age than my siblings, and remember my friends’ parents doing that, too.

The older I get (I’m 32), the less comfortable I am making judgments about people’s romantic and sexual lives (beyond some clear moral lines). Mostly because people are complicated, and what they want out of romantic relationships is often really complicated too, and isn’t going to be the same for everyone.

I think the reason a woman might want to date a much younger man is probably not too different from why a man might want to date a much younger woman. Maybe she likes taking on a dominant, ‘motherly’, provider-protector type role, much as a lot of men do (including me). I know a guy who started dating a woman 20 years older when he was about 19, and they’re still married today (I think it’s been 15 years or so).