Police. In fact, the wife has already been instructed to call the police immediately in such a situation regardless of what she’s told by my kidnappers.
There’s a lot of references to Ransom, but only Shakes seems to be going for the Ruthless People angle:
I believe this is a joke pal and you’re it! The last time we spoke you said my wife would be in the morgue if I didn’t pay. Well, I didn’t pay and just today I was at the morgue and she wasn’t there. You lied to me! You know what I think?
[beat] No.
You got no nuts! What do I have to do? Put a gun in your hand, aim and pull your finger down you spineless wimp! I dare you to kill her!
We sort of discussed it already - I will go accept the winnings in full on burka. Good luck finding my true identity - I would simply use my old ID from my previous marriage … still appears valid after all these years.
Is this the first time we’ve had a unanimous response to a Skald hypothetical?
Paying the ransom accomplishes absolutely nothing (unless there’s a tracking device hidden in the money, or something, which might be one of the things the police would do). It just means I’m out a big chunk of cash, and still don’t have my loved one. Calling the police costs me nothing, and unlike the ransom, it has a nonzero chance of getting my loved one back. This is a no-brainer.
If there’s one thing the Viking invasions taught us, it’s that once you pay the Danegeld, you never get rid of the Dane.
I’d call the cops ASAP.
A friend was kidnapped several times on business trips; chemical sales mostly in South America and Africa. The first time his company/employer tried going through government channels and the State Department he was badly beaten and almost killed. Afterwards, when they handled it outside channels, he got home a little the worse for wear but not much. That’s why I said overseas I’m going the family route and leaving Uncle Sugar out of the loop.
They lost me with the ear. What am I gonna do with a one eared gf?
The person I love most? How am I going to pay if I’m the one they kidnapped?
I thought you had kids.
:dubious: not seeing your point…
Speak louder?
take her shopping for contact lens. 
Now you’ve got me wondering what sort of kinky sex requires the use of both ears.
ETA: Like everyone else, I’m calling the FBI. Even on their worst days, they have a far better idea of how to handle shit like this than I do.
So, maybe I’m shallow. A pinkie finger or toe I could handle. But damn, they’re going to take off an ear and expect big ransom bucks? No way.
Yep. Call the feds.
In any case, unless it’s one of those 4th world nations where kidnapping is a business, your loved one is gonna be killed anyway, even if you pay the ransom.
WHAT? I couldn’t hear you. I’ve been kidnapped twice. :eek:
Not to derail the thread, but I’m pretty sure the loss of the outer ears does not make one go deaf.
No but it clearly makes some posters post tone deaf bad jokes. :mad:
The following is a transcript of the hypothetical conversation that would occur at my house if i successfully pulled off the ransom / no-fbi scenario:
“I’m so glad you’re safe, honey! Damn good thing I didn’t call the police like they told me.”
“You SOB! You didn’t call the cops? Fuxk you, bastard! How could you do that to me? That’s it! Im calling my attorney!”
So now I’m out $10m ransom, a spouse, and a $100m divorce settlement. Far, far better (and cheaper) to call the cops. 
Hell, I can get you a toe by three o’clock this afternoon . . . with nail polish. 
ETA: I’d call the feds too. I ain’t no Liam Neeson.