# Your 'best' comebacks **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 17, 2008, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675 "2008-05-17T18:47:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/1 "2008-05-17T18:47:53Z")
Okay, I just had an ‘altercation’ in the supermarket parking lot with some lady - who yelled at me that “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP FOR PEDESTRIANS!” as I was walking in. So I must not have seen her - yeah, probably my fault ,and stupid if it was - I honestly did not see anyone at the crossings. So I said “I apologize, I didn’t see you.”. And she continued to go ON about it, even though I had apologized. So (and yes, I think it’s funny now, although I was upset at the time.), I had the best comeback EVER. EVER. You guys know you want to use it because it is AWESOME. This is what I said. “You are a _lovely_ person! I APOLOGIZE, I SAID I DID NOT SEE YOU!” Come on. You know you want the comeback for future arguments in the supermarket parking lot. So let’s hear all of those great spur-of-the-moment comebacks you’ve had :D. ---
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/2 "2008-05-17T19:50:34Z")
Coworker: “I have FOUR MOUTHS to feed at home!” Me: “Well whose fault is THAT?” ---
**Author:** ![Fugazi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f08c70/32.png) [@Fugazi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fugazi)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/3 "2008-05-17T20:00:50Z")
Driving in the car with my 10 year old daughter. I’m singing along to the radio. My daughter says, “Daddy, do you know this song?” I say, “nope, I’m just a really good guesser” ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/4 "2008-05-17T20:18:39Z")
Hanging out at a friend’s dorm-room, when a female friend of one of my friend’s room-mates joins us. (Got it?) We were hanging out and having a few beers, and every time I made a joke, witty or not, she would say something rude, offensive, and caustic. Finally I quipped: “Hey, is your vagina as acidic as your tongue?” Not in good taste, but it sure shut her down, fucking down to Chinatown. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/5 "2008-05-17T21:24:13Z")
Three of us, all married women ranging in age from 45-33, we’re talking about old relationships. Girlfriend One was talking about how she flew all the way from Michigan to her fiance’s college out of state to suprise him. Yeah, you know how this is going to end already. and walked in on him having sex with another woman. She turned around and went straight back to the airport. Girlfriend Two, the youngest of us three, asks rather naively, " Why would he do that?" Me, " Because his penis couldn’t stretch all the way to Michigan." ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/6 "2008-05-17T22:05:10Z")
Here’s one that’s begging for a comeback. Every time my mother buys kitten milk, the shop teller says “Awww… Have you got a kitten?” :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/7 "2008-05-17T22:09:00Z")
Next time you almost run them down, take out a stick or cane and pretend you’re blind. Sorry honey. I don’t know how I missed seeing someone as big as you. I guess I can’t hit the side of barn or I wouldn’t have missed you. Sorry. I thought you were a light pole. Should we go back and try it again? Sorry. I thought you were a turkey with that neck wattle. Sorry lady, but I didn’t drive that car, they went in the store already. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/8 "2008-05-17T22:12:34Z")
[QUOTE=Lobsang] Here’s one that’s begging for a comeback. Every time my mother buys kitten milk, the shop teller says “Awww.. Have you got a kitten?” :dubious: [/QUOTE] No. They make me get the creamer for the office on the way to work. Extra bonus: You’re the only place on my way in. ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/9 "2008-05-17T22:23:44Z")
[QUOTE=Harmonious Discord] Next time you almost run them down, take out a stick or cane and pretend you’re blind. Sorry honey. I don’t know how I missed seeing someone as big as you. I guess I can’t hit the side of barn or I wouldn’t have missed you. Sorry. I thought you were a light pole. Should we go back and try it again? Sorry. I thought you were a turkey with that neck wattle. Sorry lady, but I didn’t drive that car, they went in the store already. [/QUOTE] Go for bafflement: (Said from the driver’s seat) “It wasn’t me. Someone else was driving” ---
**Author:** ![Wakinyan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wakinyan/32/352_2.png) [@Wakinyan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wakinyan)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/10 "2008-05-17T22:38:14Z")
My hometown has a reputation of being rough. A few of us went out one night, and one of the guys said on the way down town: “Oh, man, I’m in [this town]… What do I do if someone throws a punch?” I said: “Duck.” ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/11 "2008-05-17T22:46:34Z")
Another response that confuses someone who’s bitching you out is to say “Oh, that’s okay.” You say it as if they’re the one who’s apologizing. Try it. They’ll shut right up. “It sucks to be you” doesn’t fit as often as I’d like, but sometimes it’s perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/12 "2008-05-17T23:09:06Z")
[QUOTE=Harmonious Discord] Next time you almost run them down, take out a stick or cane and pretend you’re blind. Sorry honey. I don’t know how I missed seeing someone as big as you. I guess I can’t hit the side of barn or I wouldn’t have missed you. Sorry. I thought you were a light pole. Should we go back and try it again? Sorry. I thought you were a turkey with that neck wattle. Sorry lady, but I didn’t drive that car, they went in the store already. [/QUOTE] I’m stealing these. I wish I had said something like “Well, I was rushing to get to the sale on Bitch Water, but it looks like you bought the last of it.”. ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/13 "2008-05-17T23:12:11Z")
Okay, so one time I was working as a receptionist, and this guy says to me, “Call me a cab.” So of course I say, “Okay, you’re a cab!” It was great, but I soon lost my job after that. Oh, well. It was too good to pass up. ---
**Author:** ![bathsheba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9e8a1a/32.png) [@bathsheba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bathsheba)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/14 "2008-05-17T23:22:57Z")
My car broke down (1966 MGB GT, broken accelerator cable. This means, Car Won’t Go). Some woman drove right up behind me and started to beep her horn, long and loud and continuously. I got out of the car and said, **HERE, WHY DON’T I HOLD THAT FOR YOU WHILE YOU FIX MY CAR!!** ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2008, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/15 "2008-05-17T23:39:00Z")
I got in a prime one earlier this week. My uh, “special friend” Dave and I were at work and I’d just told Ronnie, our co-worker that we’d been at our favorite cafe quite late the night before. Dave turned around and said “We? Who is this we you speak of? Ya got worms?!” I looked him up and down and replied - “Just the one, dear, just the one…” ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2008, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/16 "2008-05-18T02:00:50Z")
I usually come up with the perfect comeback 20 minutes later, but one night all the stars were in alignment. I answered the phone. A female voice said “Don’t hang up! I. just. want. to. F\*\*\*. you.” I said “I can’t right now. Why don’t you just f\*\*\* yourself instead?” ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2008, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/17 "2008-05-18T02:56:49Z")
Two come to mind Working in retail there was a customer who came in on a regular basis. He often asked questions and never bought anything. I think he asked questions as part of product research and then bought from whomever had it for $10 less even though he obviously had a few bucks. Kind of a pain in the ass for commission salespeople. It got to where few salespeople would even wait on him. He’d come in and we’d go wait on anybody else first. One day he comes in looking at digital cameras. I’m in a good mood and I greet him and he starts asking me questions. I spend a considerable amount of time explaining the different cameras and off he goes without a purchase. OKay. Later he comes back and has decided he likes a certain camera and would like to get it but wants me to discount it for him. I explain our low price guarantee to him and how I know our price is as good as anyone’s on this popular camera. Him, " Comon can’t you give me some sort of discount?" Me; “No sir I’m afraid I can’t” Him “After all the time I’ve wasted in here?” Me; “Yeah” {pause] I’ve been thinking about that" I know it doesn’t sound like much but the tone of my delivery let him know with out saying it directly that he had been wasting a lot of people’s time in our store. He let out a “Heeyyy!!?” and gave me a funny look but he got the point. He bought the camera without another word and later came back to show me some of the brochures he was making with it. 2nd one, maybe technically not a comeback but more of a burn. In the restroom at work we had liquid soap. One of the employees who fancied himself a funny guy comes out chuckling. " I just grossed out the kid doing tech support in the back. I told him the liquid soap looks just like sperm" I immediately added " That wasn’t what grossed him out. What grossed him out is when you said, BUT IT TASTES TOTALLY DIFFERENT" A fellow employee was on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2008, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/18 "2008-05-18T02:57:56Z")
[QUOTE=kunilou] I usually come up with the perfect comeback 20 minutes later, but one night all the stars were in alignment. I answered the phone. A female voice said “Don’t hang up! I. just. want. to. F\*\*\*. you.” I said “I can’t right now. Why don’t you just f\*\*\* yourself instead?” [/QUOTE] OKay, that is a very good comeback but who was she??? ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2008, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/19 "2008-05-18T03:15:30Z")
[QUOTE=Creaky] Okay, so one time I was working as a receptionist, and this guy says to me, “Call me a cab.” So of course I say, “Okay, you’re a cab!” It was great, but I soon lost my job after that. Oh, well. It was too good to pass up. [/QUOTE] I was a receptionist at a real estate firm before segueing into secretarial in the property management department in the same company. You can only answer the phone so long before the thing that holds your tongue back wears out. A realtor wanted to know what the price of Serenity (Street or Avenue or whatever) was. I solemnly assured him that serenity was priceless. Another realtor asked me to ask another to fax him a condo. I told him it wouldn’t fit in the fax machine. ---
**Author:** ![HongKongFooey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c4cdca/32.png) [@HongKongFooey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HongKongFooey)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2008, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675/20 "2008-05-18T03:28:51Z")
I’ve mentioned this before in another thread but it suits this one better. A kid from a local church came to our door one afternoon to promote his religion, I told him I wasn’t interested and started to close the door. He _sticks his foot in the screen door_ to stop it from closing. I was pissed and yanked the door back open yelling at him to hit the road. My ‘comeback’ occurred as he was leaving. He yelled to me, “I just want to help you find God!” to which I responded “You’re gonna _meet_ God if you don’t get off my fuckin’ lawn!!!”. Little punk, :grumble: :grumble: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-comebacks/449675.md?page=2)