# Your best insult/comeback/catch all phrase? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 7, 2007, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790 "2007-08-07T20:45:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![rhythmonly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee59a6/32.png) [@rhythmonly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhythmonly)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/81 "2007-08-09T15:09:12Z")
“You’re about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.” “You’re about as useful as tits on a boar hog.” “You’re more full of shit than a Tiajuana circus elephant.” “You’re more fucked up than a soup sandwich.” “You couldn’t find your ass with both hands and a flashlight.” “You’re like 10 pounds of cat shit in a 5 pound sack. A real mess.” ---
**Author:** ![Buckwheat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/97f17d/32.png) [@Buckwheat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckwheat)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/82 "2007-08-09T20:31:34Z")
When I am lending a hand to someone who is really screwing something up, and they look to me for a more help than I am feeling like giving them: Me: “Hey, you’re the one fucking this chicken, I’m just holding it for you!” ---
**Author:** ![Buckwheat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/97f17d/32.png) [@Buckwheat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buckwheat)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/83 "2007-08-09T20:33:05Z")
[QUOTE=longhair75] my favorite: “you had better push in line ahead of the scarecrow in case there is only one” [/QUOTE] I don’t get this one. Could you please explain? ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/84 "2007-08-09T20:44:18Z")
[QUOTE=Buckwheat] I don’t get this one. Could you please explain? [/QUOTE] Wizard of Oz reference. The scarecrow was hoping to get a brain. So, you better get in front of him in case they only have one brain to give. Because you need a new brain. ---
**Author:** ![FatBaldGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@FatBaldGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FatBaldGuy)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/85 "2007-08-09T21:01:47Z")
[QUOTE=Buckwheat] I don’t get this one. Could you please explain? [/QUOTE] What was the scarecrow asking the Wizard for? A brain. ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/86 "2007-08-09T22:38:39Z")
“I better punch my give-a-shit clock.” ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/87 "2007-08-09T22:49:17Z")
Sometimes I borrow Elaine’s drippingly sarcastic, “Ooh, well-crafted.” It’s more subtle than “Your mother sucks dicks in hell.” ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/88 "2007-08-09T23:02:26Z")
Keillor’s _Guy Noir_ said, “I’m glad your mother isn’t here. She’d be very disappointed in you.” Yeah? Well, your mama’s boots have instructions written on the heel. (Holding up two fingers) Two boxes of rocks. (After some fool has threatened to kick your ass) “Imagine that!” or “Fantastic!” They both mean “You’re dreaming.” “And your point is…?” ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/89 "2007-08-10T15:10:01Z")
[QUOTE=BlinkingDuck] I think the best insult of all times comes from Southern women… “Well, Bless your heart!” said with gusto when they are insulted. [/QUOTE] Oh yeah. Been on the receiving end of that one. Once. It’s all it takes to form a scar. On the same road trip, we were in two vans and communicating by CB (Pre-cell-phone-commonality days). In the other van was a man we called ‘Man Mountain’. Guy was hugely muscled. Anyway, as he’s in the other van, I feel safe taking pot-shots at him, in jest. I made some remark about how low his IQ was, and got this: “ **ArrMatey!** , why do you continue to shoot at my intelligence?” I shrugged to those in the van with me, clicked the send button, and replied, “I like a small target?” ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/90 "2007-08-10T15:32:48Z")
My favorite comment regarding idiot drivers: “Why do you buy another box of Cracker Jacks and try for a pilot’s license this time?” ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/91 "2007-08-10T15:59:47Z")
[QUOTE=Buckwheat] When I am lending a hand to someone who is really screwing something up, and they look to me for a more help than I am feeling like giving them: Me: “Hey, you’re the one fucking this chicken, I’m just holding it for you!” [/QUOTE] Heehee! I have heard a variation of this somewhere, when someone is being helped by someone who’s really not that much help: “Who’s fucking this goat anyway?” I don’t do comebacks. I can never think of anything. My all-time favorite, though, is one that was done to me. I was arguing with a friend, and I meant to say, “I’m going to kick your ass!” But I misspoke, and said “kiss” instead of “kick.” (that’s another reason I don’t do comebacks; I misspeak a lot) He didn’t say anything for a moment and then said, deadpan, “I’m not into that.” ---
**Author:** ![Electrical\_Storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac8455/32.png) [@Electrical\_Storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electrical_Storm)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/92 "2007-08-10T20:32:30Z")
[QUOTE=AskNott] \ (After some fool has threatened to kick your ass) “Imagine that!” or “Fantastic!” They both mean “You’re dreaming.” \ [/QUOTE] Over ten years ago, after the much larger girl who threatened to kick my ass for a perceived pass on my part towards her fugly boyfriend: **Storm** : (standing up from her seat, looking Big McBitchy straight in the eye and speaking in a very calm, normal tone of voice) “Come and get me, bitch, if you think you can.” :eek: On any other day on which I \*wasn’t \* insane, I’d have told the girl no, I wasn’t groping your (gak!) boyfriend, sorry if you thought I was, can we all just get along? But I was in a tremendously bad mood which had juuuust started to improve by imbibing a couple of nice Everclear margaritas with some friends. Then Big McBitchy came along past our table and started ranting about how I’d grabbed her boyfriend’s ass as we had walked by going to our table. “Bwa?” said I. “I think you’ve got the wrong person, I did not grab anyone’s ass. I think you might be mistaken.” Big McBitchy, sloppily drunk: “Yes, you did! I _saw_ you do it!” Meanwhile, the boyfriend is shaking McBitchy’s shoulder, telling her to stop it, that no one grabbed his ass, what the hell is she talking about? “You did do it and you’re a _liar!_ I should kick your _ass_ right here and now!” At which point I stood up and delivered my comeback. I think I looked just a tad unhinged at that point and she backed off with a little help from Fugster the Boyfriend. “I catch you trying to grab him again and I’m not gonna back off next time!” Storm: “Okay, you do that.” Don’t know where I got the (ahem) cajones, but it worked. Oh, yeah. It was the alcohol. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2007, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/93 "2007-08-10T23:55:15Z")
I was hanging out with some friends after work, we’d had a few, and somehow we got to talking about how many sexual partners we’d had. I turned to one of the guys and asked, “So how many women have you been with?” He said, probably counting in his head, “How many _women_ have I been with?” I snapped back, “Well, you can include the boys and the goats too, if you want to.” Next thing I know the other guy had fallen on the floor, screaming like a banshee. He couldn’t believe little demure ivylass had said such a thing. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2007, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/94 "2007-08-11T03:07:42Z")
I have always liked and ofetn used: _When I want your opinion I’ll beat it outta ya._ and for whiners: _Well, I guess there’s nothing left but to kill yourself._ A friend of mine has recently taken to responding to converstaions he wishes to end: _Smoke Crack…Worship Satan!_ It typically brings unwanted discussion to an abrupt halt. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2007, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/95 "2007-08-11T03:10:11Z")
[QUOTE=ivylass] I was hanging out with some friends after work, we’d had a few, and somehow we got to talking about how many sexual partners we’d had. I turned to one of the guys and asked, “So how many women have you been with?” He said, probably counting in his head, “How many _women_ have I been with?” I snapped back, “Well, you can include the boys and the goats too, if you want to.” Next thing I know the other guy had fallen on the floor, screaming like a banshee. He couldn’t believe little demure ivylass had said such a thing. 😛 [/QUOTE] A guy at work used to proclaim “I’ve been married three times to two women” to which the other guy said softly “What was the third one?” ---
**Author:** ![Wee\_Bairn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/90db22/32.png) [@Wee\_Bairn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wee_Bairn)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2007, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790/96 "2007-08-11T03:49:22Z")
[QUOTE=Contrapuntal] Couldn’t pour warm piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. [/QUOTE] It took me years to realize the double joke in this, that if the instructions were on the heel, the piss would pour out on its own. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-insult-comeback-catch-all-phrase/414790.md?page=4)