# Your best spur of the moment one-liners **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 28, 2019, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352 "2019-02-28T22:30:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2019, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/61 "2019-03-03T18:12:36Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > Too late for the edit window, > His maraschino for her “cherry” > > You whooshing us MMM? Nope. I just didn’t get the “trade” aspect of it. I shall now drop it. 🙂 mmm ---
**Author:** ![fedman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/278dde/32.png) [@fedman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fedman)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2019, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/62 "2019-03-03T19:19:32Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > My last name is somewhat unusual. I once met a guy who thought he vaguely remembered having heard of a famous ancestor of mine. I replied, “No, I’m the first of a distinguished line.” > > I was presiding over a mock trial once and a student lawyer asked if he and his colleagues were free to move about the courtroom, and I said, “Yes, but please, no twerking.” > > Once I was playing a materials expert in another mock trial, testifying about the dangers of a particular chemical process. The lawyer very sarcastically asked, “I suppose you think water is dangerous, too, sir?” > > I shot back, “When you’re 30 feet deep in it without scuba gear, yes, sir.” > My friend Hayes was running for office in my small Ohio River town. Another candidate tried to persuade him to get out of the race and finally blurted out, “But Hayes, you can’t win - you’re black!” > > Hayes looked at the back of his hands as if he were startled and said, “My God, you’re right!” > > He went on to win the race. > Close enough?: [Good Thing Science Neil Tyson TShirt](https://www.northernsun.com/Good-Thing-Science-Neil-Tyson-TShirt-%288470%29.html) > Er… I don’t get it. > I was taking an English class called Words, Words, Words in high school and was pretty cocky about my vocabulary. The teacher said good-naturedly, “Oh, you think you’re so smart, eh?” and picked up a dictionary, opened it at random and asked, “What is a ‘hoplite’?” > > I said, “You mean an armored infantryman in ancient Greece?” > > He literally threw the book at me. since it seems you don’t watch football, the woman from Boston was referring to patriots winning another Super Bowl ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2019, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/63 "2019-03-03T19:40:27Z")
It was long ago, in mandatory college ROTC, at the 7:40AM formation. Totally without a clue as to military protocol or practices, but dressed in the required full cadet uniform, this was my first inspection. As I typically did in bright sunlight, I was wearing sunglasses. Doesn’t everybody? The inspecting officer walked down the ranks, and suddenly stopped in front of me. “Eyes hurt, soldier?” I responded, “Yes.” ---
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2019, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/64 "2019-03-03T21:13:57Z")
It was back in the 80s I think and my grandmother was telling a story about her own childhood and mentioned that Roosevelt was president. Without a beat 12-year-old me asked her “which one?” ---
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2019, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/65 "2019-03-03T21:18:07Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > I replied, “they must be the whore d’oeuvres.” You are my hero 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2019, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/66 "2019-03-03T22:29:48Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > It was back in the 80s I think and my grandmother was telling a story about her own childhood and mentioned that Roosevelt was president. > > Without a beat 12-year-old me asked her “which one?” Slightly off-topic, but my niece, when she was about 7, asked her grandma if she voted for George Washington. mmm ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/67 "2019-03-04T00:17:59Z")
Decades ago, my brother was driving and I was in the passenger seat as we approached a toll booth. He got in the automated lane, the now obsolete kind where you toss your coins in a basket. He accidentally tossed in two nickels instead of two quarters, we later deduced. As he pulled away, bells started clanging and lights started flashing. He looked confused and asked “What’s all that for?” Hardly missing a beat, I responded, “Ask not for whom the tolls bell; they bell for thee.” He got a ticket in the mail later, in case you were wondering. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/68 "2019-03-04T05:59:47Z")
Off the top of my head, we were at lunch with friends and one was telling he took his son to get a circumcision the day before, one asked how much it cost: Father: “We didn’t pay anything, it’s free at that hospital” Me, immediately: “It may be free but you still have to leave a tip” ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/69 "2019-03-04T06:50:14Z")
Scene: a meeting room at work a few weeks ago. Seven of us have been borrowed from the production floor and corralled in the room. We are seated around a table. We each have a screwdriver with a screw welded to the end, and a Sharpie marker. In the middle of the table is a bin containing thousands of metal clips. The task? Screw the screwdriver-with-screw into each clip in turn to make sure that it meets specifications. Good clips are marked and go into one empty bin; bad ones into another. This act of last-minute quality control was brought to us by defective clips from a supplier. After the inevitable grumbling about the boringness of the task, and the joking about who’s screwing whom, silence falls. Five minutes later, I pipe up: “I went to college for _this?!!_” The room cracks up. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![hesdeadjim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@hesdeadjim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hesdeadjim)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/70 "2019-03-04T17:13:35Z")
> [@Tierce](#): > > A few years ago, leaving work with a co-worker, I look up at the night sky and see the Moon and Jupiter a few degrees apart. > > Me: That’s a nice conjunction. > Co-worker: That’s the Moon and Jupiter. > Me (innocently): Which one’s Jupiter? > Co-worker: [begins to point, then slowly clenches a fist] Maybe it’s because I’m a little slow from having a cold today, but I don’t get it, can someone enlighten me? ---
**Author:** ![Snake\_Plissken\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Snake\_Plissken\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snake_Plissken_1)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/71 "2019-03-04T18:24:54Z")
Years ago I was sitting at a traffic light in my car, a 1994 C4 Carrera when some local hooligans pulled up next to me in a Ford Escort GT clone. It was a badly done clone, too…had one of those ridiculous after-market spoilers on the trunk lid. Anyway, the driver said something to his friends in the car about ‘the old technology’ sitting next to them at the light. Right off the top of my head I said, “What did your mom say when you put that wing on her car?” ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/72 "2019-03-04T18:31:49Z")
For a short time period double-bocked beers became popular. Bob was telling me what he learned from the beer & wine guy at his work - that traditionally, that type of beer was named with an “-ator” ending. I replied with > [@](#): > > That means Arnie should have said “I’ll be double-bahck” Another time we made the mistake of looking at the ingredient list on a Chorizo package. First ingredient was “Pig salivary glands” Bob quipped “Makes your mouth water, doesn’t it” ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/73 "2019-03-04T19:54:03Z")
> [@hesdeadjim](#): > > Maybe it’s because I’m a little slow from having a cold today, but I don’t get it, can someone enlighten me? My guess is that the size difference makes asking, and pointing it out, unnecessary. ---
**Author:** ![Stuntman\_Mike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stuntman_mike/32/334_2.png) [@Stuntman\_Mike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuntman_Mike)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/74 "2019-03-04T20:27:35Z")
Not mine, but I was in the room. Back in college, five of us had rented an off-campus house for the year. One of my roommates was an asian guy who went by the nick name “Chicken Wing”. Chicken Wing was a pathological liar. Harmless, and a really good guy overall, but you couldn’t believe 90% of what came out of his mouth. Anyway, one day he was trying to convince us that he’d been pulled over for speeding, and that the officers had threatened to beat his ass. Chicken Wing tried to convince us that he’d snapped back to the cops something like, “You cops better back off, or I’ll unleash 150 pounds of TNT on your asses”. :rolleyes: Without missing a beat, another of my roommates said back to Chicken Wing, “Don’t you mean 150 pounds of MSG?” Hahaha… hilarity ensued. :p:D ---
**Author:** ![Tierce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Tierce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tierce)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/75 "2019-03-04T21:10:56Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > My guess is that the size difference makes asking, and pointing it out, unnecessary. Yup. The Moon was more than a wee bit bigger than Jupiter that evening. ETA: and it was pretty obvious which other body was of interest near the Moon. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/76 "2019-03-04T22:06:19Z")
I’m a ticket seller at a museum, and a week or so ago someone paid for a large group’s admissions with $50 dollar bills. I remarked “Well as a museum, we really like getting Grants”. ---
**Author:** ![BlankSlate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blankslate/32/80_2.png) [@BlankSlate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlankSlate)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2019, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/77 "2019-03-04T22:50:19Z")
> [@fedman](#): > > since it seems you don’t watch football, the woman from Boston was referring to patriots winning another Super Bowl I think they were looking for a punchline (aside from Boston, that is.) ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2019, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/78 "2019-03-05T04:51:23Z")
> [@Snake\_Plissken](#): > > Years ago I was sitting at a traffic light in my car, a 1994 C4 Carrera when some local hooligans pulled up next to me in a Ford Escort GT clone. It was a badly done clone, too…had one of those ridiculous after-market spoilers on the trunk lid. > Anyway, the driver said something to his friends in the car about ‘the old technology’ sitting next to them at the light. Right off the top of my head I said, “What did your mom say when you put that wing on her car?” Some years back, a friend of mine, who was unemployed at the time, managed to borrow another friend’s brand new BMW for the afternoon. At one point while waiting at a stoplight, he looked over and noticed a driver in the adjacent lane checking out the car. So he rolled down the window and shouted out “And I haven’t even got a fucking JOB!” before taking off on the green. I was in a car with some other people when we were passed by a truck labeled for [84 Lumber](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/84_Lumber). One of the other passengers said, “I wonder why they call it that?” Me: “Because 85 was one too many?” ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2019, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/79 "2019-03-05T18:00:17Z")
Last night, my brother randomly tells me, “You know what’s been on my mind? Dissociative Identity Disorder.” I said, “You mean on _both_ your minds.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2019, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352/80 "2019-03-05T18:07:51Z")
> [@BlankSlate](#): > > I think they were looking for a punchline (aside from Boston, that is.) The punchline is that you are wearing an article of clothing from a loser team, and I’m from a city with two winning teams. Maybe it’s all in the setup. First rule of comedy: If you have to explain it, it ain’t funny. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-best-spur-of-the-moment-one-liners/830352.md?page=5)