# Your boyfriend gave you a Black Eye...In see no reason to leave him either! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 7, 2004, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585 "2004-12-07T18:37:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/21 "2004-12-08T00:12:17Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > When I see her face I am appauled to see a huge black eye. Not just a bruise but a huge black and blue puffy eye. > > She immediately puts her head down and I go over to her and ask her what happened. > > “_He beat me up last night…I fought back and got him good a few times, but he really belted me…I was seeing stars for a little bit after it happened. Look at my arms…_” > > Looking at her arms I was shocked. Bruises up and down both arms **[on the outside as if fighting someone off].** If it was a drunken fall, there would be injuries on the inside of the arms most likely, instead of solely on the outside of the arms, which are considered defensive wounds. She’d probably have bruised legs, and possibly be limping. That’s why people are convinced she’s being abused. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/22 "2004-12-08T00:47:15Z")
People, unless you have been there and done that, you have _no_ idea what advice that you give will lead to. My ex fiance beat me, and it took me 3 months of taking it while setting up the requirements for me to move with all my posessions. I had to be careful because everything I owned was stored in a unit he had the only key for. I had to carefully pick and choose what of my memories I could manage to get out of storage when we went over to get stuff, and I still left much behind. And I had no doubts whatsoever that if pushed hard enough he would have killed me and I did not want to be a statistic. I got out with everything I could fit into a plymouth horizon in 3 trips while he was at work. You have no idea if she is in a similar situation, and biding her time while she gets ready to move. By all means, be supportive at work, but _dont_ call the cops for her, and dont go storming over to give him a piece of your mind. Dont make her a statistic. ---
**Author:** ![Searching\_For\_Truth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@Searching\_For\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Searching_For_Truth)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/23 "2004-12-08T06:09:52Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Dont make her a statistic. Sounds like she already is. And not doing anything could make her a worse statistic. Either way, the situation sucks. Will you keep us updated, **Phlosphr**? ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/24 "2004-12-08T07:41:18Z")
The best thing you can do, with a woman who’s not a family member or close friend, who’s being abused, is just to serve to remind them they do have worth, by treating them as a human. Help them remember this, so they will have the strength they need to leave. Keep your eyes open, in case she does decide to press charges or go for a restraining order, because then your testimony might be welcome. Sadly though, if the person isn’t ready to leave, and someone else calls the police, the woman will frequently refuse to press charges, and veiw the world as “the enemy picking on my man” and cling to the man even tighter. This isn’t true in every case, but it is in plenty of them. Hope this post makes sense to you. ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/25 "2004-12-08T08:31:51Z")
Not to mention, if the cops get involved, even if she backs him up/lies for him, he’s going to be _very_ angry when he gets out, especially since he’s apparently some big muckity-muck who most likely has an image to think of and maintain in order to keep his job. Who do you think he’ll be taking that anger out on? Dangerous waters to be treading, indeed. I don’t know if I’d call the cops, myself, just because of the situation. If he would lose his high-lvl exec job due to public image, and she’s still there, you could very well _make_ her a statistic by offering the wrong advice. I would _really_ urge you to guide her to someone who deals with this sort of thing, like a Women’s Abuse Shelter or something. Giving this woman the wrong advice, even with the best of intentions, could quite literally be fatal. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/26 "2004-12-08T10:50:19Z")
High on the corporate ladder in CT and likes to beat up women? This guy isn’t about 30, is he? ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/27 "2004-12-08T14:04:36Z")
> [@Sublight](#): > > High on the corporate ladder in CT and likes to beat up women? > > This guy isn’t about 30, is he? He’s in his late 30’s. I walked in this morning and I asked her how her night was. She said they went out to dinner and he acted as if she didn’t even have a black eye and bruises. She said he acted totally normal. I asked her if she had spoken to Fran about the batter women’s shelter, and she had. But she did not want to go down there because she knows he would throw much of her stuff away, and apparently he has someone watching the house whilst he is at work. Personally, I think he knows she is trying to leave, and is probably scared shitless. I don’t know, his behavior is so foreign to a guy like me. I could not imagine hitting a woman out of rage. I consider him a complete coward…Though I understand his behavior from a psychological standpoint, I must say it sickens me to see it in reality. ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/28 "2004-12-08T14:19:07Z")
There is really something wrong with our culture. It should not be a huge problem for someone who has obviously been abused to get a proper escort so that she or he can get their stuff out of the abuser’s house and make sure she or he is not harmed. This happens to both men and women. It should be easy peasy. How many people can it really take? 6? 10? But no, there is always something in the way. We need to figure this out now. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/29 "2004-12-08T16:29:59Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > He’s in his late 30’s. Sounds to me like the “boyfriend” is neither a boy nor a friend. Discuss. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/30 "2004-12-08T17:00:12Z")
Usual disclaimer: laws vary widely from state to state. I have seen this situation many times. In NJ anyway the law is in the victims favor. If the police show up and she looks like she does, he gets arrested. Under these circumstances, if she asks for a restraining order, she will get one. Guess who is moving out then? He would have 15 minutes to get his stuff and leave. If he even called her he would get arrested. Doesn’t matter if it is his house. If she lives there then she gets to stay and he leaves, at least temporarily. It would give her several weeks with him out of the picture to make other arrangements at least. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/31 "2004-12-08T17:09:05Z")
> [@grienspace](#): > > I hope everyone notes that the above quote is only a note of caution. There is a poosibility that she might be covering up for a drunken fall. That wouldn’t be the first time. Give the husband some chance to acquit himself before you propose a condemnation. Well, I had a girlfriend that did this exact thing a couple times, but the thing is, you usually don’t accuse someone by name when you’re covering up. My friend used to say someone broke into her house, or she left the door slightly ajar. You don’t condemn an innocent person. I’d believe her before I’d entertain the possibility that she’s falling down drunk. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/32 "2004-12-08T17:14:40Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Usual disclaimer: laws vary widely from state to state. > > I have seen this situation many times. In NJ anyway the law is in the victims favor. If the police show up and she looks like she does, he gets arrested. Under these circumstances, if she asks for a restraining order, she will get one. Guess who is moving out then? He would have 15 minutes to get his stuff and leave. If he even called her he would get arrested. Doesn’t matter if it is his house. If she lives there then she gets to stay and he leaves, at least temporarily. It would give her several weeks with him out of the picture to make other arrangements at least. Same in Illinois. Three days to move your stuff. He cannot be there. He cannot call or contact you in any way. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/33 "2004-12-08T18:53:31Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > Same in Illinois. Three days to move your stuff. He cannot be there. He cannot call or contact you in any way. In NJ it’s 10-14 days until you see a judge. At that point he decides who gets to stay in the house. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/34 "2004-12-08T19:10:59Z")
I think her point about moving out and getting a restraining order is that no piece of paper will keep him from coming back at whatever time he pleases when he knows she is there alone. The best scenerio would be to come back with the sheriff and have him supervise the move. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/35 "2004-12-08T19:34:52Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > I think her point about moving out and getting a restraining order is that no piece of paper will keep him from coming back at whatever time he pleases when he knows she is there alone. The best scenerio would be to come back with the sheriff and have him supervise the move. I won’t get a restraining order because he might hurt me, so I’ll stay with him instead. The fact is that once a restraining order is given most offenders back off. They don’t want to go to jail. When there is violence after the TRO is given it usually happens after the victim invites him back. Those rare occurances that you see on the news are in spite of the TRO not because of it. The Secret Service couldn’t protect Kennedy or Reagan from a determined nutjob, of course a TRO isn’t foolproof but it is an effective tool. A judges order can’t fully protest you from a nutjob but you are in trouble anyway. What a TRO can do is get that nutjob arrested before he does anything violent. All he has to do is show up, call 911 and he is in jail. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/36 "2004-12-08T20:26:21Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > In NJ it’s 10-14 days until you see a judge. At that point he decides who gets to stay in the house. In my situation, it wasn’t my house, but he had to leave anyway. For 3 days. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/37 "2004-12-08T20:45:43Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > I think her point about moving out and getting a restraining order is that no piece of paper will keep him from coming back at whatever time he pleases when he knows she is there alone. The best scenerio would be to come back with the sheriff and have him supervise the move. I also live in CT, mrAru’s days off are currently friday and saturday, and we have a small pickup [chevy s10 junker we use to haul stuff] and I _know_ we would be more than happy to help her move stuff in a pinch. I have a restraining order against exfiance, and that never stopped him from making harassing calls from payphones, and occasionally driving from virginia to connecticut to harass me. I have been told unless they can catch him doing wither of these things, there isnt anything that they can do about it. At home there is a gun within 5 feet of me no matter where I am. When he said he would kill me, I found it perfectly believable. He has been doing it for 18 years now - I would have gotten bored harassing someone long ago=\ ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/38 "2004-12-08T20:47:50Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > I walked in this morning and I asked her how her night was. She said they went out to dinner and he acted as if she didn’t even have a black eye and bruises. This floors me. They went out to dinner? In a restaurant? And she’s sporting a black eye and bruises? And he said nothing? What, is he showing off his handiwork? To me, that’s another form of abuse…“It doesn’t matter what I do to you. See? No one notices.” Guy’s a prick. He must be stopped. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2004, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/39 "2004-12-08T21:27:01Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > I have a restraining order against exfiance, and that never stopped him from making harassing calls from payphones, and occasionally driving from virginia to connecticut to harass me. I have been told unless they can catch him doing wither of these things, there isnt anything that they can do about it. At home there is a gun within 5 feet of me no matter where I am. When he said he would kill me, I found it perfectly believable. He has been doing it for 18 years now - I would have gotten bored harassing someone long ago=\ Like I said it’s a tool. Not a perfect tool, but I have seen it work more times than not. Most idiots, even abusive ones get the hint after they have been thrown in jail. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2004, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585/40 "2004-12-09T03:24:53Z")
**Phlosphr** , you are in the best position along with colleagues, who can begin educating yourselves now. I am suggesting you speak with the social workers and domestic abuse support folks about what you can/should and should not do as third-party concerned observers. Arm yourselves with knowledge, help and resources so that you can be there if/when your help is needed. For a start, here’s the [official dope](http://www.jud.state.ct.us/lawlib/Notebooks/Pathfinders/DomesticViolence/domviolence.htm) on Domestic Violence in Connecticut put out by the state itself. Build a support network for your co-worker right now. By all means let her know there are many people standing at the ready to help her when/if she gives the go signal. Even so, she still may reluctant to do anything, but if she knows she has people around her ready to help at a moment’s notice, it might instill some confidence in her. She then might take some quiet, positive steps to prepare herself, get things in order so when she finally say help me now, you’ll be ready and so will she. Keep us informed!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-boyfriend-gave-you-a-black-eye-in-see-no-reason-to-leave-him-either/278585.md?page=3)