# Your closest and dearest friend dies. Would you/could you raise their children? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 27, 2014, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402 "2014-02-27T08:52:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/41 "2014-02-28T03:21:03Z")
No one in their right mind would even ask me to raise their children. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/42 "2014-02-28T04:35:18Z")
> [@tapu](#): > > Thank you. That was exactly what I hoped readers could get out of it. That the complications, issues, and decisions are very complicated. For example, what do you do about family of origin? What do you do about your own family of origin? Your child’s grandparents may have trouble taking on a new grandchild. Do they start an education fund for her, too, now? > > Your own child(ren) are a big concern too. I remember asking Eli if he’d like to have more time alone with mama, and Maura could have her own time, too. And he said, very gravely, No, I would like it if Maura could just have her own house. > p.s. If after consideration, you need to say no to taking on a child, then you are doing the absolute best thing you can. Finding out that circumstances need to be rectified by further change and upset down the road is more likely than not to do harm to the child, and maybe everyone. > > Anyway, I am glad you said something about my story. And I’m glad the OP brought up the issue. These are huge events happening more and more often in our lifetime. Thoughtful consideration can only help all involved. Your post was so thought-provoking. I so much appreciate it, even if it would be simply an academic exercise for me. That said, to address your PS; exactly. In my situation, although at one point I seriously wanted a child, I decided to forego it for several reasons… 1) My own dalliances with mental illness. Since there was absolutely no way I could guarantee a child of mine wouldn’t also be afflicted with the same things I suffered from (severe depression / bi-polar disorder to just name two), there was no way I could gamble with their life. It’s easy to hand-wave that sort of thing when the odds are in your favor. Not so much when they’re stacked against your future offspring. It seems negligent to just ignore that and proceed ahead because of my desire. And 2) because my mother is insane and would happily be one if those people to routinely call CPS and report my baby for mistreatment, no matter how ludicrous. I just couldn’t bear to subject them to a childhood of that. So, I’m heartbroken almost every day, but responsibly, that was the only right choice to make. Lastly, you are so correct in that this is not a commitment to be taken on lightly. Much soul searching and logical consideration is the way to go over a knee-jerk emotional response. The children deserve it. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/43 "2014-02-28T21:36:35Z")
The SDMB rocks. 😉 quite a majority say they are willing to raise a friend or relatives child if something happens to the parents. I really enjoyed reading the thoughtful responses. This thread struck a chord for many. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/44 "2014-02-28T22:51:03Z")
> [@aceplace57](#): > > The SDMB rocks. 😉 quite a majority say they are willing to raise a friend or relatives child if something happens to the parents. I find it kind of alarming. How do you know those people would make good parents just because they said okay? I would prefer to let the authorities determine the best course for the children. I’m being honest when I say I would make a lousy parent, and because I know the kid would suffer neglect – because really, I just don’t give a damn about children – then I would give a definitive NO to anyone daft enough to ask me. There is no way I would allow myself to be railroaded into something that would be harmful to all involved just out of some sentiment of the moment. Although … Hmmm … there IS … the retail value of the child. Always a consideration over here. Maybe I should rethink my potential response to such a question if asked. ---
**Author:** ![48Willys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/db5fbb/32.png) [@48Willys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/48Willys)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/45 "2014-03-01T05:07:11Z")
I scanned through most of the posts. Add me to the “you betcha” crowd. Not only would I, I have done this while my friend recuperated from an industrial accident. I raised his kids for right at two years. I have also been a foster parent and have adopted two boys. So yea, it is a no brain-er. My wife and I would do it again if asked. We may do the foster thing again when/if we move from this county. The local Department of Social Services is not the best and they do not support their foster parents very well. (Minor understatement)! ---
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/46 "2014-03-01T08:27:10Z")
There is no way I would accept such a thing, and no one who really knows me would ask me. None of my best friends have kids anyway (and I’m pretty sure most of them don’t want kids either). I don’t even know if it’s legally possible in france to make someone not from the kid’s family raise the kid without a judge having a look at the living conditions beforehand. Plus I’m in a gay couple, they don’t even usually give kids to adopt to gay folks around here. ---
**Author:** ![tapu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@tapu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tapu)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/47 "2014-03-01T14:29:52Z")
Heck, maybe it \*is \*a no-brainer. ---
**Author:** ![Baron\_Greenback](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baron_greenback/32/48_2.png) [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/48 "2014-03-01T15:19:33Z")
It’s not going to realistically happen because my close friends with young children have other family around. However, if there was some sort of terrible plague, then yes, without a second thought. I’ve known those children since they were mere bumps, and if it comes to it, they can live in my house. ---
**Author:** ![Baron\_Greenback](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baron_greenback/32/48_2.png) [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/49 "2014-03-01T15:20:34Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > Although … Hmmm … there IS … the retail value of the child. Always a consideration over here. Maybe I should rethink my potential response to such a question if asked. That is remarkably creepy. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/50 "2014-03-01T15:37:53Z")
No, I would not, as that would necessarily mean less resources available for my own children - they’d have to change schools, I wouldn’t be able to fully fund everyone’s university etc. I was raised as one of 7 kids, there’s no way I’d want my two girls to suffer the same lack. ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/51 "2014-03-01T16:30:53Z")
I am way too old now, but when I was younger, yes, I would. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/52 "2014-03-01T17:30:09Z")
Years ago, I made that promise twice when I became godmother to children unrelated to me. Although they are both grown now, had they needed someone to step up and finish their upbringing, I would have been there. Now, most of my friends with children also are grandparents, it’s not an issue. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/53 "2014-03-01T18:34:14Z")
Not a chance. They deserve better. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/54 "2014-03-01T21:16:29Z")
As a single man, I probably would not be allowed to. But if anything happened to my brother and his wife, I’d fight for custody rather than let my nephew and niece be adopted out. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/55 "2014-03-01T22:08:02Z")
No way I’d agree to this. Anybody who would ask me to raise their kids either doesn’t know me very well or has major boundary issues. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/56 "2014-03-01T23:14:37Z")
I’d probably do it for one of my best friends, who has an only child. The other best friend… I don’t see the children as a good fit with this household, which would only make their lives miserable (and ours). Their extended family would be better for them. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/57 "2014-03-02T00:15:52Z")
Yes I would, assuming that I could sleep with his wife. (rimshot) :eek: ---
**Author:** ![tapu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@tapu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tapu)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/58 "2014-03-02T03:02:24Z")
This… is a joke. And may none of the “you betcha” crowd ever be confronted with raising my child, or anyone else’s. This is probably representative, however, of how even natural parents in our society feel about having children themselves. Yeah, it’s a no-brainer. It’s just a child living your house. This could have been a real discussion about raising children, raising another’s child,or about raising any child not your own. So much for fighting ignorance. This bears on all parenting, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/59 "2014-03-02T03:06:15Z")
> [@Baron\_Greenback](#): > > That is remarkably creepy. Well, I meant selling them to would-be parents, NOT renting them out for underage sex. What kind of creep do you think I am!?! ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402/60 "2014-03-02T04:30:52Z")
> [@tapu](#): > > This… is a joke. And may none of the “you betcha” crowd ever be confronted with raising my child, or anyone else’s. Well, I certainly hope never to, since it would mean that someone I loved has died, leaving children behind. May that never happen! > [@](#): > > This could have been a real discussion about raising children, raising another’s child,or about raising any child not your own. > > So much for fighting ignorance. This bears on all parenting, of course. Nothing is stopping you from starting such a discussion. Of course, if you start it with a sneer, you might not have a great deal of success with it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-closest-and-dearest-friend-dies-would-you-could-you-raise-their-children/682402.md?page=4)