# Your conquest speech **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 24, 2008, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565 "2008-07-24T00:35:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/1 "2008-07-24T00:35:12Z")
“Peoples of the Earth: The life you knew is over; I am your new master” Or words to that effect. In conjunction with [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=476337), what would be your meglomaniacal speech of conquest? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/2 "2008-07-24T00:46:24Z")
As in [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=476619) thread, I would let a minion be my public face so everyone is gunning for him. As for the speech, he _knows_ what to say, or else! ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/3 "2008-07-24T00:56:53Z")
People of Earth: Get the Hell Off My Lawn! ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/4 "2008-07-24T01:04:16Z")
If you didn’t know that the conquest has already happened, then my plan worked perfectly. ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/5 "2008-07-24T11:55:37Z")
Let the blood of my enemies fill the streets with crimson revenge. Stop jumping in the puddles, damnit. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/6 "2008-07-24T11:59:30Z")
“Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin … WAIT FOR IT! … _now!_” Alternate speech: “In your _face_, world! HA!” ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/7 "2008-07-24T12:47:20Z")
Ladies and gentlemen, let the party _begin_. ---
**Author:** ![Wallenstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5a626/32.png) [@Wallenstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallenstein)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/8 "2008-07-24T12:54:59Z")
“Aaaaannnnnddd… I’m spent.” ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/9 "2008-07-24T14:41:48Z")
Heh. Would you believe I actually _had_ a first draft of a speech like this, tucked away on my computer? Part creative writing, part “semper paratus.” I just dug it out, again…not updated since May, 2003. (Good times…) It’s a little plan specific (death ray satellites are mentioned), 5 paragraphs long, and is as yet incomplete—the last bit cuts off just as I was quoting principles outlined in the Declaration of Independence as a kind of justification for usurping power from the governments of the world. Also, it’s not very funny, or properly melodramatic (i.e., no “On a mountain of skulls in a castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood/Thy Gods art laid Ashen and Slain by Atomic Hellfire” type lines. Mores the pity). ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/10 "2008-07-24T14:49:31Z")
“Now fetch me a beer.” ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/11 "2008-07-24T14:56:15Z")
“Right you lot, your time of easy going is done” “Now fetch me Keeley Hazell, Scarlett Johansson some Viagra and a beer and be fuckin’ quick about it” ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/12 "2008-07-24T14:57:37Z")
OK, everybody… OUT OF THE POOL! ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/13 "2008-07-24T16:25:06Z")
**All Skate, Now Reverse!** ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2008, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/14 "2008-07-24T17:07:12Z")
“People of the North American continent, please begin relocating elsewhere. I have designated this continent as my official summer vacation spot. See you in the fall.” ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/15 "2008-07-25T00:49:22Z")
I haven’t quite finished working on my speech, but somewhere I’ll have to fit in the line: “My reign will be as inhuman as if a race of alien cyborgs had conquered the Earth and turned you all into brains in jars”. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/16 "2008-07-25T01:04:57Z")
“Alright girls…get in line…” ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/17 "2008-07-25T01:09:06Z")
“Rest assured my goal is to build a free and prosperous society, unless someone pisses me off.” ---
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/18 "2008-07-25T05:56:53Z")
“All your base are belong to _ **ME** _!!!” God, I know it’s so old and bad, but it’s the first thing that popped into my mind and I can’t think of anything better. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/19 "2008-07-25T12:10:14Z")
[QUOTE=Zebra] **All Skate, Now Reverse!** [/QUOTE] For the record, I laughed so loudly at this my wife had to take her phone call into the other room. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Svejk\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@Svejk\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Svejk_1)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565/20 "2008-07-25T12:11:32Z")
[Nelson Muntz]Ha ha![/nm] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-conquest-speech/457565.md?page=2)