# Your favorite recent single line from a comedian. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 5, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423 "2010-03-05T15:59:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![LittleGreenRosetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c77e96/32.png) [@LittleGreenRosetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LittleGreenRosetta)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2010, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/21 "2010-03-08T22:58:20Z")
"My friend just got a trophy wife. Must not have been first place." -Stephen Wright. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2010, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/22 "2010-03-08T23:44:28Z")
Bo Burnham is at 19 already a comedy genius- this kid is going to be HUGE. He’s mostly known for his raps (check out YouTube) but he’s also good at regular standup. This is from his routine on math; I’ll cheat a bit by listing them all. Statistically 33.333% of Jonas Brothers are diabetic. On average 1 in every 44 presidents can dunk- I’m talking about Millard Fillmore you racists! On average Sarah Palin’s children have 46.2 chromosomes each. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/23 "2010-03-08T23:47:22Z")
> [@Ruffian](#): > > Wanda Sykes, on being told to not use the n-word or f-word at an event where she performed for the president: > > {paraphrased} > “Why did they feel the need to tell me that? _AS IF_ I’m going to get up there, go right on up to him, and say, ‘Whassup, my nigga! You the mutherfuckin’ president! Yeah! YOU the mutherfuckin PRESIDENT!'” > > It caught me so offguard, I seriously LOLed. When Roy (of Siegfried &) was attacked by the tiger a few years back people were talking about what a terrible tragedy it was. Wanda was less than sympathetic. When Jay Leno mentioned it he said “They’re saying now that the tiger was confused and disoriented” Wanda literally made me spew Coke with her response: “Hell yeah he was confused and disoriented! He was in a fuckin’ casino!” ---
**Author:** ![BrandonR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@BrandonR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrandonR)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2010, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/24 "2010-03-08T23:50:48Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > I just discovered US comic Doug Stanhope via Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker’s _Screenwipe_, the best excoriation of modern news I have seen. Stanhope is presented as Brooker’s hopelessly drunk US representative and I have found some of his other material. > > I really like this line: > > “Jesus died for your sins, I’m doing it for your mere entertainment.” > > So what has tickled your fancy recently? Mine would probably also be a [Doug Stanhope joke about illegal immigration](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nW20EMJr6o4) (NSFW language). The gist of it (it’s a rather long one-liner I suppose) would be that if your job can be so easily replaced by someone who doesn’t know a lick of English, has minimal training, and no formal education, then you’re a loser who probably needs to go get a better job. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2010, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/25 "2010-03-08T23:52:58Z")
30 ROCK has lots but I can only remember a few of Kenneth’s lines: > [@](#): > > She shut up quicker than a girl in math class! > > Science was my favorite course when I was being homeschooled, especially the Old Testament. > > I think adoption’s a great idea. When I was a kid 6 of my 9 siblings were adopted, and one day I want to find out who got 'em. ---
**Author:** ![xash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c6cbf5/32.png) [@xash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xash)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/26 "2010-03-09T02:45:38Z")
[http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays](http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays) > [@](#): > > “A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.” > [@](#): > > “Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.” > [@](#): > > “Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.” > [@](#): > > “We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out." ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/27 "2010-03-09T03:12:35Z")
I have so many favorites, but while watching **Zach Galifianakis** host SNL I was reminded of one of his jokes that cracks me up whenever I think of it. Delivered dryly and matter of factly: > [@](#): > > What was is Noam Chomsky said about eating pussy? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/28 "2010-03-09T08:51:58Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Bo Burnham is at 19 already a comedy genius- this kid is going to be HUGE. He’s mostly known for his raps (check out YouTube) but he’s also good at regular standup. This is from his routine on math; I’ll cheat a bit by listing them all. > > Statistically 33.333% of Jonas Brothers are diabetic. > > On average 1 in every 44 presidents can dunk- I’m talking about Millard Fillmore you racists! > > On average Sarah Palin’s children have 46.2 chromosomes each. Oh, yes, I couldn’t remember this guy’s name, but I remember an opening bit where he walked out, sat down at a keyboard, sat there in silence for several moments while the audience chuckled nervously, and then nonchalantly remarked, ‘‘Don’t worry, I’m hilarious.’’ I just remember thinking, ‘‘This kid is going to get so much ass.’’ ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/29 "2010-03-09T15:08:33Z")
I don’t have a single line, but I recently caught Russell Peters on Comedy Central. I haven’t laughed that much at a comedian’s routine in many years. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/30 "2010-03-09T16:06:19Z")
[Something from this Louis C.K. routine.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u2ZsoYWwJA) Maybe the bit about his two-year-old starting an “insane deconstuction” of everything he knows - “'Cause if nothing fucking wasn’t there’d be all kinds of shit, like giant ants with top hats dancing around!” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/31 "2010-03-09T16:15:26Z")
Marty Nadler is a comic who used to write for such illustrious shows as Laverne and Shirley. He now just does standup and is a permanent resident on Martha’s Vineyard. Keep in mind that MV is an island, and there are no bridges to it. “I love it when I get off the ferry and they say ‘Thank you for using the Martha’s Vineyard Steamship Authority.’ As opposed to what, the backstroke?!?” “Crime here is really low. If you steal a car, where are you going to take it? You still have to get on the ferry!” “The last time there was a bank robbery here was in 1972. A guy walked into a bank and said ‘Give me twenty dollars.’ The teller said ‘Sorry, I’m just the summer help and I don’t know how to do that.’ So he went to the next teller and took twenty dollars from her. When the police arrived, they asked what happened. The teller said ‘Lenny from Chilmark came in and took twenty dollars. He’s across the street having an egg salad sandwich.’” ---
**Author:** ![Chicagojeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@Chicagojeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicagojeff)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/32 "2010-03-09T16:16:53Z")
Chris ROck a little while ago… “paula abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeves judging a dance contest”… ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/33 "2010-03-09T16:31:19Z")
> [@Max\_the\_Immortal](#): > > [In a hick accent]: “Is this some kind of avante-garde German theatre bullshit where a comedian goes up and he just _fuckin’ sucks_, and then, and then a magician goes on, and he yells at us, and then they dress a lesbian in boys’ clothing in the back of the room, and you realize halfway through _‘Oh, that’s that shitty fuckin’ comedian!'_, and he’s back there cacklin’ in the darkness like a- a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret? Is that what the- ‘cuz if that’s what the fuck this is, I’ve seen it done better, that’s all I’m sayin’ man.” > –[Patton Oswalt](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvLSgCQpT3Q) I love that entire bit. ---
**Author:** ![Capt.Ridley\_s\_Shooting\_Party](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cc9497/32.png) [@Capt.Ridley\_s\_Shooting\_Party](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt.Ridley_s_Shooting_Party)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/34 "2010-03-09T16:43:52Z")
[Typical Irish wit: “You want a hand with that?”, “No thank you! I think I can manage.”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfBwGZa-tDI) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Arglefraster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Arglefraster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arglefraster)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/35 "2010-03-09T19:39:24Z")
I don’t remember the comic’s name. “I don’t want to be drunk in public. I want to be drunk in a bar. They threw me into public. Arrest them!” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/36 "2010-03-09T19:48:46Z")
> [@Arglefraster](#): > > I don’t remember the comic’s name. > > “I don’t want to be drunk in public. I want to be drunk in a bar. They threw me into public. Arrest them!” Ron White. I love his routine about small planes. “How far’s it gonna take us? All the way to the crash site. But we’ll get there half an hour before the ambulance.” ---
**Author:** ![Busy\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@Busy\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busy_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/37 "2010-03-09T20:25:44Z")
‘I’ll always know that my dad’s somewhere out there, looking down on me. He’s not dead or anything, just really condescending.’ Forget the guys name - nominated last year as a great line from the Edinburgh festival. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/38 "2010-03-09T21:00:29Z")
Not recent but he still uses it on his website: “I love to go down to the playground, and watch the kids running and jumping and screaming. They don’t know I’m only shooting blanks.” Emo Phillips No idea who said this but some comedian did and it’s on T-shirts: “I beat cancer! And by ‘cancer’ I mean ‘my kids’!” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2010, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/39 "2010-03-09T21:05:22Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > No idea who said this but some comedian did and it’s on T-shirts: > > “I beat cancer! And by ‘cancer’ I mean ‘my kids’!” They have that at T-shirt Hell. I may have to get it for my little brother. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423/40 "2010-03-10T00:03:22Z")
I don’t remember the sources of the following: “I’m a selfish lover. If the condom is ‘ribbed for her pleasure’, I wear it inside out.” “A \*friend \*is someone who will help you _move_. A \*best friend \*is someone who’ll help you move _a body_.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-recent-single-line-from-a-comedian/531423.md?page=3)