# Your favorite sick jokes!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-sick-jokes/625732>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [June 20, 2012, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-sick-jokes/625732 "2012-06-20T08:42:41Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 5\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\
**Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-sick-jokes/625732/1 "2012-06-20T08:42:41Z")

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An old woman lived alone. She liked to eat mayonnaise straight out of the jar, with a spoon. She would set the empty jars on her back porch every night.  
Then, for fifteen consecutive days, she would go out the back door and find the jars refilled. She would shrug, and take the jars back inside and eat the contents, but on the sixteenth night she decided to stay up late and see who was refilling her mayonnaise jars.  
Very late that night, a man came into her back yard. He had sores all over his body. He went over to her back porch and squeezed the pus out of the sores into the jars.  
(My older brother told me this when I was about six; since then I have not put mayonnaise on my sandwiches.)  
Post your favorite sick joke here.

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**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\
**Post date:** [June 20, 2012, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-sick-jokes/625732/2 "2012-06-20T09:11:45Z")

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You’re talking totally sick, right?  
This is going to prove me to have a deviant sense of humor; I apologize beforehand:

A really fat woman had a boil on her ass that she couldn’t reach to squeeze, so she hired a guy to suck out the pus. While he was doing so, she farted.  
He jerked back his head in disgust and said, “Whata ya trying to do? Make me sick?”

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**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\
**Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-sick-jokes/625732/3 "2012-06-22T03:20:56Z")

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> [@dougie\_monty](#):
>
> An old woman lived alone. She liked to eat mayonnaise straight out of the jar, with a spoon. She would set the empty jars on her back porch every night.  
> Then, for fifteen consecutive days, she would go out the back door and find the jars refilled. She would shrug, and take the jars back inside and eat the contents, but on the sixteenth night she decided to stay up late and see who was refilling her mayonnaise jars.  
> Very late that night, a man came into her back yard. He had sores all over his body. He went over to her back porch and squeezed the pus out of the sores into the jars.  
> (My older brother told me this when I was about six; since then I have not put mayonnaise on my sandwiches.)  
> Post your favorite sick joke here.

I am proud to say that despite never having heard this joke, I have never put mayonnaise on my sandwiches.

It’s _really obvious_ what the stuff is made out of.

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**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\
**Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-sick-jokes/625732/4 "2012-06-22T16:25:51Z")

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A priest goes to the hospital to visit an elderly parrishner. She has been very lonely and rambles on and on and on and on. The priest pretends to be interested as he absentmindedly nibbles from the bowl of peanuts on the bedside table.

Finally, the lady comes up for air. The priest says “How interesting. Oh, my heavens, I was so engrossed in your story that I have eaten all your peanuts…I’m ever so sorry!” “Oh, thats OK” says the old woman, “I already gummed all the chocolate off anyway.”  
My elderly mom told me that joke.

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**Author:** ![Indian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@Indian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indian)\
**Post date:** [June 22, 2012, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-sick-jokes/625732/5 "2012-06-22T16:35:34Z")

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Heard this one during Live Aid era.

An Ethiopian kid to his friend who is sitting down to defecate.

" Don’t show off ".