# Your favorite ultra-simple/vulgar jokes (profanity warning) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 10, 2003, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049 "2003-02-10T05:59:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/41 "2003-02-12T00:41:21Z")
What do you call the soft part around a vagina? The woman. ---
**Author:** ![sciguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/42 "2003-02-12T02:59:13Z")
Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. ---
**Author:** ![sciguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/43 "2003-02-12T02:59:19Z")
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/44 "2003-02-12T03:32:37Z")
OK, a couple more nun jokes,the first being from the 1980’s. Q: What’s black and white and red all over? A: A nun in El Salvador. The second is an old classic my Dad told. A drunk runs into a bar and orders a drink. He gulps it down while looking very scared. The bartender asks what’s wrong and the drunk asks “Is a penguin black and white?” “Yes,” the bartender says. The drunk is very relieved and he orders another drink. Then he asks the bartender “And a penguin is about 5 feet tall, right?” “No,” says the bartender, “a penguin is only as high as my knee.” The drunk yells “Dammit, I just ran over a nun!” ---
**Author:** ![flickerwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/13edae/32.png) [@flickerwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flickerwolf)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/45 "2003-02-12T04:15:12Z")
oh my god… This one is a sacred joke from my group, and its very similar to some I’ve seen here but oh well. Q: What is red and pink and red and pink and red and pink and silver? A: A baby rolling down a hill with a fork in its head. _cringes_ ---
**Author:** ![flickerwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/13edae/32.png) [@flickerwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flickerwolf)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/46 "2003-02-12T04:24:02Z")
Ooh, ooh, and I’ve another one…something like Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest with a basket of goodies for her granny, when suddenly the wolf appeared… Wolf: “I’m gonna pull up your little red dress, and pull down your little red panties, and f\*ck your little red socks off.” Red: _Pulls out a gun and presses it against the wolf’s head_ “NO!”…_lifts up dress_ “You’re gonna eat me like the story says!” [sup] I’m so ashamed…[/sup]:o 😛 ---
**Author:** ![saintnobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@saintnobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saintnobody)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/47 "2003-02-12T05:43:26Z")
Have you heard about the new shoes for lesbians? They are called dykies, they have really big tongues A guy runs into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey the bartender askes what he is celebrating. The man says" my first blowjob" The bartender says" in that case have another one on the house" The says “thats ok, it only takes 10 to get the taste out of my mouth” ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/48 "2003-02-12T06:00:11Z")
Well, what the hell… A variation on **KRC** ’s gag above: Two leprechauns walk into a bar, order a couple beers, and get to arguing. The bartender, curious, makes his way down to the end of the bar where they’re sitting. “It was!” “It nivver was, ya idjit!” “And Oi’m tellin’ ye it was!” They turn to the bartender, and the second leprechaun asks, “Can ye help us out, laddie? Tell me, **is** there a Leprechaun monastary in this town?” “I’ve tended this bar a lotta years, boys, and I’ve never heard of any such thing.” Second leprechaun turns back to the first and says, “I **telled** ye, ye idjit fool, ye fucked a penguin!” ---
**Author:** ![saintnobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@saintnobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saintnobody)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/49 "2003-02-12T06:18:44Z")
Have you heard about the new shoes for lesbians? They are called dykies, they have really big tongues A guy runs into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey the bartender askes what he is celebrating. The man says" my first blowjob" The bartender says" in that case have another one on the house" The says “thats ok, it only takes 10 to get the taste out of my mouth” ---
**Author:** ![Gypsylady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f04885/32.png) [@Gypsylady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gypsylady)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/50 "2003-02-12T07:33:36Z")
What do a rattlesnake & a rubber with a hole in it have in common? You don’t fuck with either one. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo it could be done. Why did the dead baby cross the road? Cuz it was stapled to the chicken. I’m going to give you a list of four things. Which doesn’t belong? Your Ol’ lady An egg Your dick A blow-job A blow-job, cuz you can beat your dick, you can beat an egg, you can beat your ol’ lady, but you can’t beat a blow-job. Gypsy ducks & runs for cover…:rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![August](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d26b3c/32.png) [@August](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/51 "2003-02-12T10:19:58Z")
We are all going to hell… 😉 How do women have orgasms? Who cares? Whats the usless bit of skin at the end of a penis? The man. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/52 "2003-02-12T10:53:07Z")
What’s more fun the running over a dead baby? Skidding over one. Why did the dead baby cross the road? Becuase it was stapled to the chicken. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/53 "2003-02-12T13:29:32Z")
Why do women have legs? So they won’t leave a trail like a slug. A traveling salesman needed a place to stay for the night, so he asked a farmer if he had a spare room. The farmer said, yeah, but it’s out in the barn with my daughter. Fast forward to the next morning, and the salesman said to the farmer. Sir, I must confessed that I kissed your daughter last night, three times, and each time, I got a mouthful of rice. What gives? The farmer said, don’t know. She’s been dead for a month… ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/54 "2003-02-12T13:38:36Z")
Why didn’t Hitler drink Vodka? It made him mean. Why don’t blondes like dildos? Because it chips their teeth. How do you make five pounds of fat look attractive? Put a nipple on it. ---
**Author:** ![greck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ab992/32.png) [@greck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/greck)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/55 "2003-02-12T15:31:14Z")
Everyone here knows how to get a nun pregnant right? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/56 "2003-02-12T15:48:50Z")
How do you know your wife is dead? The sex is about the same, but the dishes start to pile up. What is the definition of gross? You are eating out a pregnant woman and a hand grabs your tongue. Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Cause they’re ugly and smell bad. Guy and woman in elevator. Guy asks, “Can I smell your pussy?” Woman says, “No you certainly cannot!” Guy says, “Oh, then it must be your BO.” ---
**Author:** ![doverpro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/838e76/32.png) [@doverpro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doverpro)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/57 "2003-02-12T16:45:02Z")
What’s the difference between a hockey team and an Al Queda woman? A hockey teams takes a shower after three periods. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/58 "2003-02-12T17:37:34Z")
A big black dude goes into a bar, sits next to a puny white guy, and tells him “I’m BIG and I’m BLACK and I LOVE to fuck white women!” The little white guy gets scared and leaves. The big black guy goes up to another little white guy and tells him “I’m BIG and I’m BLACK and I LOVE to fuck white women!” The white guy slinks off and leaves. Then the big black guy sits next to a Polack and tells him “I’m BIG and I’m BLACK and I LOVE to fuck white women!” The Polack replies, “I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t fuck a nigger either.” ---
**Author:** ![greck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ab992/32.png) [@greck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/greck)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/59 "2003-02-12T18:55:10Z")
knowed out, you’re going to hell for sure, but THAT’S a good one! How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy sorry god, sorry mom ---
**Author:** ![TripleAnt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19adc/32.png) [@TripleAnt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TripleAnt)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049/60 "2003-02-13T01:06:40Z")
What’s better than seeing a woman wrestle? Seeing her box [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favorite-ultra-simple-vulgar-jokes-profanity-warning/154049.md?page=4)