# your favourite one liner

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [July 11, 2001, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114 "2001-07-11T17:37:38Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 2

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**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/21 "2001-07-12T05:16:29Z")

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I’m just like a ham but I can’t be cured.

My memory is so good I can remember the night I went out with my father and came home with my mother.

(It’s so futile…) It’s like trying to fertilize forty acres with a fart.

I’d rather owe it to you than beat you out of it.

If things were any different they just wouldn’t be the same.

(S/He’s…) Stranger than a snake’s suspenders.

(S/He’s…) Lower than a snake’s belly full of buckshot.

A few of my own:

If it weren’t for false modesty, I wouldn’t have any at all.

Never eat oysters when you’re lonely.

Sex is like a sports car, the faster you go the more often you wreck it.

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**Author:** ![Mats\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8edcca/32.png) [@Mats\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mats_K)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/22 "2001-07-12T05:16:38Z")

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“There’s no I in team… but there’s a ME”  
“If there’s grass on the pitch, you gotta have a bat”

(Re: If a girl is old enough to have sex with)

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**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/23 "2001-07-12T05:20:34Z")

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If @ssholes had wings, this place would be an airport.

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**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/24 "2001-07-12T05:23:53Z")

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He/she’s a few french fries short of a happy meal. (Someone’s particularly inept)

It’s like teaching cats to swim. (An impossible task)

Thank you for that reading of the minutes of the board of the obvious. (Someone stated the obvious) (hehehee, I just stated the obvious) (Oh, I’ve done it again!) (Ok, time for bed)

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**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/25 "2001-07-12T05:24:09Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by bughunter \*  
> …(this will give me away if any **cow-orkers** lurk here)…

Wow, that really takes me back. I haven’t orked a cow in years!

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**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/26 "2001-07-12T05:51:00Z")

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My favorite:  
“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between _shit_ and _syphillis_ in the dictionary.”

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**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/27 "2001-07-12T05:57:03Z")

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_giggle_  
_chuckles_  
_muffled sounds hidden behind my hand_  
_ **BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA…** _

_wipes laugh tears_ Thanks, y’all. I needed that. _ouch_ Guess my back’s not quite healed yet. _trying not to laugh outloud again_

Okay, Okay. I have a great one liner; most people don’t realize right away that it is one. A little background: an aggie is a Texas A&M Univ. student, renowned for their ‘stupidity’.

Did you ever hear about the aggie that was so stupid the other aggies noticed?  
\<Feel free to insert your own group/name/type/whatever.\>

I also like to say:  
But I don’t have my boots on today. \<referring to the deep pile of manure someone’s dishing out\>

A miss is as good as a mile. \<my mom loved this one, especially when she’d _vroooom_ into our driveway, missing the gate by mere inches on either side\>

If it ain’t broke; don’t fix it!

Better to have and not need than to need and not have. \<say that real fast, I dare you\>

Perhaps it’s time to let out the Gecko. \<long story, over in the Philippines we had a sign painted in jest, about one of the numerous geckos supposedly guarding our house and yard; it was soon around the neighborhood that we were hiding in the back a 7’ long monster Gecko who ate natives for a snack if they didn’t belong in our yard\> \<worked on my kids for years too ;)\>

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**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/28 "2001-07-12T07:07:00Z")

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When someone …erm… passes wind, my mother always says “Better an empty house than a bad tenant.”

If you ever asked “What’s for dinner, Mum?”, she’d say “Duck under the table”.

I don’t know where my dad found her, but I’m sure she was a one-of.

If you happen to ask “Hey?” around my cousin, he always answers “Horses eat it - stick it up your @ss and they’ll follow you around the paddock”.

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**Author:** ![mfield31](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@mfield31](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mfield31)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/29 "2001-07-12T09:46:22Z")

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My now ex-boyriend used to drive me crazy with this one

Whenever I would ask “You know what?” He would reply with “No, I haven’t met him yet.” or " You keep talkin about this guy what."

I learned not to say it around him though.

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**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/30 "2001-07-12T11:29:19Z")

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If. If frogs had wings they wouldn’t bump their butts on the ground.

Personally, though, I enjoy the mixed metaphor one-liners:

The squeaky wheel gathers no moss.

No use crying over water under the bridge.

Once the shoe drops on the other foot, you can’t put the genie back into the can of worms.

And, penned by Berke Breathed:

You can lead a yak to water, but you can’t teach an old dog to make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke.

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**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/31 "2001-07-12T12:04:14Z")

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I think it was Denis Leary who said my favorite:

If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I’d sit home with a pack of Marlboros and a short length of hose

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**Author:** ![MrO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@MrO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrO)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/32 "2001-07-12T12:17:35Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Ruby \*  
> \*\*Opinions are like assholes. _Everybody’s_ got one. \*\*

I heard an extended version. Opinions are like assholes: everybody’s got one, and nobody wants to hear about yours.

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**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/33 "2001-07-12T12:32:31Z")

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My favorite is from Douglas Adams:

“If there’s anything here more important than my ego, I want it hunted down and shot!”

[sup]Happy 100, MrO![/sup]

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**Author:** ![mblackwell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@mblackwell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mblackwell)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/34 "2001-07-12T12:34:12Z")

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Every time a calcium commercial mentions bone loss, my little brother will walk across the room, do an exaggerated stumble, and yell “Ohhhh I lost a femur!”

He’s been doing this since he was 8. Weird kid.

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**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/35 "2001-07-12T14:53:41Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Mats K \*  
> \*\*“There’s no I in team… but there’s a ME”  
> \*\*

“There’s no _I_ in _team_.”

“Yes that’s true, but there is an _eat_ and a _me_.”

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**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/36 "2001-07-12T15:07:57Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Punoqllads \*
> 
> Personally, though, I enjoy the mixed metaphor one-liners:

Which reminds me of a good friend of mine from college who was…sort of an interesting, if not ‘brilliant’ person. (Ok, Ok, he was dumb, but we loved him. Still do)

and he looked over at us one day, beer in hand, reclining, watching Talk Soup with us and said:

“You know what they say. Never punch a gift horse in the mouth”

and we all just said,

“right”

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\
**Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/37 "2001-07-12T15:31:35Z")

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Circumstance has just called to mind another old standby:

“It works better if it’s plugged in.”

One would think that, working among other engineers as I do, I wouldn’t often need this one, but nooooo…

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**Author:** ![Sassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@Sassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sassy)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2001, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/38 "2001-07-13T03:19:11Z")

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Like trying to herd cats

or

Like nailing jello to the wall

(Can you tell I get a lot of unreasonable demands?)

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2001, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/39 "2001-07-13T03:37:59Z")

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From _Absolutely Fabulous_:  
“There you go again, mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.”  
From elsewhere:  
What fresh hell is this?  
I will endure this subhuman driveling shit with a smile.  
From my friend’s dad:  
“It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.”

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![zensi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@zensi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zensi)\
**Post date:** [July 13, 2001, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-favourite-one-liner/72114/40 "2001-07-13T05:04:35Z")

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_If I weren’t so damn fat, I’d be Anorexic._

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