# Your Instant Deal-Breakers For Dating **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 1, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898 "2010-03-01T18:56:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/181 "2010-03-04T21:53:48Z")
Mr. Burns, after risking being attacked by a lamb to save Lisa: “Oh, I sacrificed my beautiful body for nothing; this must be what it’s like to a have a baby.” ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/182 "2010-03-04T23:09:01Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I had to chuckle at this. Your example of “culture” was ethinic food; I dated a woman who mentioned to me early on that her previous relationships had never been interested in culture. She mentioned interests in museums and opera as examples of the culture she sought…And she fianlly said something like, “Yeah, as it turns out, I’m not that into museums and opera.” I’ve been on eHarmony for 2 months now, and I swear half the profiles I get matched with are like this. Especially women who live in San Francisco…there’s a reek of pretentiousness coming out of the terminal. I finally added to my own profile that I occasionally enjoy staying home with a pizza and Survivor, because you can’t go to concerts and museums every night. Re: the tramp stamp-hater…my daughter is not a skank. You may be missing out on a lot of fun times with great women who just like tattoos. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/183 "2010-03-04T23:59:06Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > In my last relationship I figured out how to get around that – I never told them what to do. Really, I was not their father, I did not intend to become their father, and they got plenty of direction from their mother. I wouldn’t have dreamed of trying to parent them. If it is my house, then I have some right to say how things happen. I’m very firmly a “my house, my castle, my rules” type of person. “Yeah, I’m not your dad. But this is my house and if you’re living here, you go by my rules. Note I didn’t say “want to keep living here”, because I’m not making any threats. I’m merely pointing out that if you are under my roof, you will obey the code of conduct provided to you.” (which actually pretty laid back - the expectations of behavior that is. Just respect everyone else and don’t trash the place and you’re pretty much ok.) ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2010, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/184 "2010-03-05T00:41:06Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > My list is about the same, **Strainger**. > > For 2, I don’t mind a little pot use, but anything more is a strict NO. > For 4, any strong ideology (religion, politics, etc) is probably not going to work out. > For 10, I’m 47, but I’d probably prefer small children to teen-agers, who can be willful and resentful of a stranger telling them what to do. 1. Yeah, I don’t mind some pot usage, as long as it’s not your lifestyle. 2. Right, I wouldn’t want who’s overly arrogant, intolerant, and judgmental about their beliefs, whether religious, atheist, left-wing, or right-wing. (I’m small-l libertarian agnostic-leaning deist, FWIW). 3. Like tdn, I don’t want to play the dad role either. If the kid’s a disrespectful brat, regardless of age, it’s not going to work out. I’m more interested in the kid getting out of the house and leaving us alone. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2010, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/185 "2010-03-05T01:00:48Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > If it is my house, then I have some right to say how things happen. I’m very firmly a “my house, my castle, my rules” type of person. > > “Yeah, I’m not your dad. But this is my house and if you’re living here, you go by my rules. Note I didn’t say “want to keep living here”, because I’m not making any threats. I’m merely pointing out that if you are under my roof, you will obey the code of conduct provided to you.” > (which actually pretty laid back - the expectations of behavior that is. Just respect everyone else and don’t trash the place and you’re pretty much ok.) Yeah, the kid thing could get hairy. My ex was an every other weekend/vacation “dad” (I use quotations because he was a shitty dad, part of the reason I left him) to a pre-teen girl. We lived together. It’s easy to say “well just don’t try to parent them” when you’re not involved in it. But when princess is throwing temper tantrums and being disrespectful to you in your own home? You’d be suprised how quickly your outlook changes. Come to think of it, that adds another one onto my ever increasing list of deal breakers: crappy parenting. If you allow your kid to disrespect you or refuse to discipline them when they are acting like monsters, I want nothing to do with you. Or worse, if you allow them to disrespect _me_? Get your ass packing. Been there, done that. There’s nothing more infuriating to me than a parent who refuses to discipline their child. And then they sit and wonder why their kid is such an insufferable brat. Gah! ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2010, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/186 "2010-03-05T01:33:51Z")
Smoking. There are more, but that is the first one that comes to mind. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2010, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/187 "2010-03-05T21:16:14Z")
Wow, I’d be a great match for a lot of you ladies (being a Doper is extra credit, right?) :D. My dealbreakers: Smoking (for the most part). If it’s one cig a day or so, it’s…understandable. More-no way. Drinking to drink. A party or a few beers once in a while-sure. If you’re living with your parents and it’s not because of a divorce or something unavoidable. More than one kid (at the most) More than one pet (unless it’s like fish or hamsters or something). Intellectual dullness or excessive religiousity. Games or code i.e. if I did something wrong, tell me. Do not assume I know what you’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/188 "2010-03-05T21:35:20Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > If it is my house, then I have some right to say how things happen. I’m very firmly a “my house, my castle, my rules” type of person. Ah, I get it. That’s so completely different than what I’m talking about. Dating the woman, marrying her, and moving her and her kids into your house. (Or buying a house jointly.) That’s thinking way down the road. You wouldn’t even go on a first date with a mother of teens because of the remote possibility of that happening? In my own situation, I wasn’t looking for marriage, just one good date. That good one turned into a second good one and so on. Her kids were never in my apartment, though she sometimes was. Most of the time I was in her house. That was not really an environment where I was “the dad.” I’d play video games with them, watch movies with them, jam with the son, stuff like that, so I was really more in the role of a friend. Now had that relationship turned into a marriage, the dynamic would have changed. That’s where it would get far more complicated. In fact, that was part of the reason we broke up. But to not even consider dating her because of that long-term complication – well, I would have missed out on the best relationship I’ve ever had. While the breakup was really painful, I thank my lucky stars every day that I was part of something so amazing. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/189 "2010-04-24T00:33:39Z")
I know this thread is 6 weeks old but I just ran across one. I was looking at a profile on [Match.com](http://Match.com) and she had a list of “Things Girls wish Guys knew.” It was the type of list you’d find in a Men’s Health type magazine. All pretty stupid/cliche stuff. Anyways, the last one was “I don’t care how long you’ve known her, I’ll never believe you aren’t more then just friends” I almost emailed her just to tell her that’s going to scare off most guys, then I figured if that’s truly how she feels I guess it’s good that she mentioned it up front. But that was an automatic “Nope” for me. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/190 "2010-04-24T02:27:21Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > It’s interesting how so many people here say “Living on your own means you’re a loser and I’m not interested” and “Living with your parents or flatmates means you’re immature and I’m not interested”. That would leave “People who live with their partners”, who one would presume are not available for dating… FWIW, I am convinced that there are always going to be some deal-breakers that don’t have any (or at least not much) predictive value as to what kind of person the date really is. They’re just there to draw a line between Normal and Other. Living at home is one such line. It’s just not What People Do in our society. It might indicate a serious case of arrested social development that would kill any incipient relationship - or it might just mean your life circumstances are different in an interesting way. More interesting to me is the idea that a man (much more often than a woman) is expected to Have A Job. This means, I gather, not being a freelancer or running your own show, but filling a function in an organization greater than yourself. Contrast this with all the people out there (especially women, it seems) who claim to believe in nontraditional work situations, or just not letting work run your life, and I suspect there’s some conflict of values going on that women mostly don’t want to acknowledge. As someone whose work history has been affected by mental health issues, I’m left to assume that very few women would be willing to reserve judgment about who I “might” be to find out who I really am. What kind of work are women looking for in a good man? Men, does a woman’s work matter to you? ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/191 "2010-04-24T03:16:28Z")
What a man does for a living is very low on my priority list. As long as you can support yourself (as in pay rent, keep up with basic bills, not live in an a totally empty room) and you’re not making money by doing something illegal or immoral. I’m not career-minded myself, and don’t enjoy spending time with people who are consumed with their jobs and/or the rat race (getting promoted, making more money, purchasing big items like houses and cars, needing more money to maintain your lifestyle and still save, etc). My BF makes most of his living (decent money, actually - above the average income for people in the USA\*) delivering pizza. He doesn’t bring his work into our home life, and he doesn’t work lots of hours or overtime ever, so he has time to focus on myriad other things including our relationship. Perfect match. We’ve both finally found someone who won’t pressure us about ‘doing something’ with our lives. Living with parents would be… awkward. I don’t want to meet someone’s family unless I am serious about them, and I want to be able to have sex at your place without worrying YOUR MOM can hear us! But I don’t have a problem with it intellectually. I know lots of regular adults (usually with a cultural heritage where this is more normal) who live with theirs, and I think it’s nice to be that close. I hated my parents so I left when I was 18, I only wish we could have had such a good relationship that I wanted to stay with them as an adult. Anyway I seem to be an exception among women I know of all ages. There is absolutely an expectation that men be breadwinners, even if the woman makes a good living on her own, she demands that a man she dates makes at least as much. While men could give less than a shit about how much money a woman they are interested in is making, IME. \*it’s cool he can make good money doing something like this, but we don’t have combined finances right now, so what he makes doesn’t have a bearing on my life. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/192 "2010-04-24T03:21:24Z")
What do you mean about A Job there, Doug? I don’t get your question. Is a man supposed to be dateable if he doesn’t have a job? Or are you wondering what ‘kind’ of a job a man is supposed to have that attracts the women? (And do you actually think women are much less likely expected to hold down jobs compared with men??) ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/193 "2010-04-24T03:32:14Z")
Missed the edit - when I was dating, I never cared if a guy dug ditches or pushed papers around a desk as long as he was bright, clean, well spoken, and made enough money to spring for dinner, a movie, or an evening at a club (this was back in caveman days when the guy paid, at least in the beginning of the relationship. and things didn’t COST so much then.) The actual job he did wasn’t so important, it was what kind of a person he was that mattered. No job, not even flipping burgers, can’t seem to hold one for a month? Living at home with the parents at age 30? Sorry, bud, that’s just sad - no future for us ! ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/194 "2010-04-24T03:48:41Z")
All of the above, particularly the smoking thing. The bad kissing thing? AMEN girl! It’s pretty much a given that if he can’t kiss, he can’t make love properly. The “person must live alone” thing? Yes! And I’ll add to that “needs to have a reasonable amount of personal ambition regarding their livelihood”. If a person is in their late 30s or 40s and is still working a minimum wage/dead end job on purpose? No. And I’m NOT talking about someone who is working a not so great interim job to get back on their feet, as a second job, they’re retired and don’t need a career any longer, and so on. Not, as someone else said, that there’s anything so “wrong” with that sort of job in and of itself, it’s just not for me. I need someone who is into mental stimulation, has pride in themselves and their accomplishments, and is interested in being the best they can be (to steal a slogan). ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/195 "2010-04-24T03:54:17Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Guys, you might want to note that short or bald are NOT deal-breakers for most of the women posting here. If you’re Mr. Perfect and you have no hair, I couldn’t physically care less. As long as you’re not rockin’ the combover. I have heard and read a few times that bald men have an abundance of testosterone and so tend to be more sexually “uuuummmph!” I haven’t the faintest clue if that’s true or not. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/196 "2010-04-24T04:48:26Z")
A man that I haven’t laughed with by the end of our first date. If we can’t laugh together in that timeframe, there will be no second date. Life’s just too short. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/197 "2010-04-24T05:42:49Z")
> [@River\_Hippie](#): > > I don’t date but if I did I would probably rule out: > > \*Coffee or tea drinkers. Occasional, I could deal with… maybe. Huh? Is this a religious thing? Coffee I can understand, the taste does linger and if you don’t like it then… But tea? ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/198 "2010-04-24T05:45:55Z")
> [@River\_Hippie](#): > > To clarify I said “Simply being a member of some religions would be a deal breaker”. Not any religion but, for example, Scientology…deal breaker. Mormon? That would take some serious discussion to accept in an SO. > > I just don’t like the smell of coffee or tea, I just really have a bad reaction to it, especially when it’s heating in the morning. I dated someone who made a lifestyle out of “gettin’ coffee” and tried to convert me. Scarred me for life. 😉 > > Now… if they joined me in a 7:00a.m. Mountain Dew… I’d marry her 😉 Oooooooh, so it’s not the caffeine thing then. The whole "no coffee/tea/or religion thing was a mystery. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/199 "2010-04-24T14:29:47Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Heh, I’m a guy and I’ve been married for decades, but when I was looking, I had a ‘deal-breaker’ list long as your arm … that I totally forgot about or rationalized away the instant there was a romantic spark with someone. 😃 > > I attribute ending up with a great partner to luck on my part, not to judgment. [Actually, maybe judgment on her part … though looking at it objectively I had, at the time, a bunch of characteristics that would no doubt be deal-breakers for some - I was a smoker, I smoked drugs too, I lived at home - though I was a university student at the time, so maybe understandable - I had no money and was not pursuing at the time any course that would practically earn me any …] This is what I was thinking. When I met Mig all those rules went out the window. I didn’t want a drinker, pot smoker, someone who didn’t seem stable, I wasn’t interested in anyone I couldn’t have a deep conversation with, someone who, maybe not financially secure at least was a legal U.S. citizen who could legally hold a job. And no way did I want a religious partner. Nope, love is funny like that. Most of those issues I had with him have been resolved but it took several years and it was worth it. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/200 "2010-04-24T16:32:16Z")
I’ve always wondered by people in these types of threads list things like “must not be morbidly obese” and “must not have bad body odor.” Oh, so you are one of those types of people that doesn’t like when others smell bad? That’s interesting. What is it like to be you? I think we can assume a basic standard here, so you can leave out certain things that no one wants in a date. For example, no one’s mentioned that they wouldn’t date a cannabilistic serial killer, so I guess you would all be open to that? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898.md?page=11)