# Your Instant Deal-Breakers For Dating **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 1, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898 "2010-03-01T18:56:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Lunchy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Lunchy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lunchy)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2010, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/241 "2010-04-25T23:11:30Z")
> [@Green\_Rosetta](#): > > 1. Not saying, “Bless you” or some variation of that when I sneeze. This says a lot about a person to me. What if the person isn’t religious? I find that I have an obligation to say bless you, but at the same time find that me saying bless you to someone who knows im atheist feels a little awkward! How about when someone coughs, does that warrant a ‘bless you’? I’ll say thank you all day long when its needed, but a bless you won’t be coming outa my mouth anytime soon! ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/242 "2010-04-25T23:13:14Z")
> [@Lunchy](#): > > Hope you meant the ‘911 call’ figuratively!? Well, for the record, literally never was needed, thank heavens. I was working for an internet radio station back then as one of the managers, so I would have them call me with a broadcasting emergency. But - if I wanted the date to end - I’d say - “okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Or if it was going well, I’d say, “can’t you get the asst. manager to take care of that?” But, if I wasn’t sure how it was going - I had them call back and tell me how the situation was going in a little bit. If I was scared, I would say something about the fact that it was an FCC violation and needed to be addressed right away. That way they knew to start more urgent plans. ---
**Author:** ![Fake\_Tales\_of\_San\_Francisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8491ac/32.png) [@Fake\_Tales\_of\_San\_Francisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fake_Tales_of_San_Francisco)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2010, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/243 "2010-04-25T23:18:08Z")
Um, I don’t think ‘bless you’ as it is commonly used has very much to do with religion at all. It may have had origins in such things, and it may have religious connotations, but it doesn’t literally mean that you want to sanctify them or anything. :dubious: Like saying ‘bless’ when someone does something cute/naive. It’s just a social etiquette thing (or like saying gesundheit, which I believe means something along the lines of ‘be healthy’). Though I must agree it is a highly bizarre thing to have as a deal breaker. My usual response to a sneeze is ‘Do you want a tissue?’ or to inquire if they have a cold, allergies or something. I never say ‘bless you’ because I’d feel weird saying it. Any further sneezes are thoroughly ignored. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2010, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/244 "2010-04-25T23:22:39Z")
> [@Fake\_Tales\_of\_San\_Francisco](#): > > Um, I don’t think ‘bless you’ as it is commonly used has very much to do with religion at all. It may have had origins in such things, and it may have religious connotations, but it doesn’t literally mean that you want to sanctify them or anything. :dubious: Actually, I think it’s short for “god bless you”, which is why I don’t say it. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/245 "2010-04-26T01:45:32Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > This might be a bitchy thing to say but I don’t care. He doesn’t vent about it “once in a while”. He vents about it in every thread dedicated to dating, and in a good many of them that aren’t. Guilty as charged. I have a tremendous grudge on about (at least!) two things in life: love and work. > [@](#): > > So I suspect that his unconventional lifestyle has nothing to do with his dating problems. If his posts are any kind of indication, it’s his cynical outlook, his joyless demeanor, and his failure to accept the consequences of his choices without complaining about the injustice of societial expectations. It just looks like he is pointing fingers at other people rather than looking inward at what he’s doing or not doing. I can assure you the mess I’m in is nobody’s responsibility but mine. But there I tend to get stuck. For one reason or another, I learned responsibility best as _blame._ I got past beating myself up through years of therapy, but it’s the only way I know how to really, seriously, meet responsibility. I cope by keeping it at arm’s length until absolutely necessary. My “joyless demeanor” may be confirmation bias on your part, though. I’m actually pretty good company when nothing really needs doing, and I’m good (maybe at my best) in crises. Where I fail is keeping the lights on - getting on with life just because it’s expected. > [@](#): > > I don’t think your lifestyle is the issue. It’s your Eeyore-like attitude. You may think you aren’t projecting this attitude out in the real world, but that is highly unlikely. People–both men and women–aren’t going to gravitate to that. I know, and that’s why I avoid them. I guess you would advise me to continue. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/246 "2010-04-26T04:39:32Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > This might be a bitchy thing to say but I don’t care. He doesn’t vent about it “once in a while”. He vents about it in every thread dedicated to dating, and in a good many of them that aren’t. So I suspect that his unconventional lifestyle has nothing to do with his dating problems. If his posts are any kind of indication, it’s his cynical outlook, his joyless demeanor, and his failure to accept the consequences of his choices without complaining about the injustice of societial expectations. It just looks like he is pointing fingers at other people rather than looking inward at what he’s doing or not doing. Like the fat woman who prefers to rail about the shallowness of men and the unfairness of the “thin is in” standard rather than 1) simply accepting that her size comes with certain consequences and that’s life or 2) losing the damn weight already. > > **Doug** , if you want to live a certain way, that’s fine. But what do you want more, a girlfriend or your current lifestyle? If you want a girlfriend more, evaluate yourself and try to change. Even if that means getting therapy first. If you don’t want to change, stop incessantly complaining about not having a woman. It’s just like anything else in the world. But like I said up top, I don’t think your lifestyle is the issue. It’s your Eeyore-like attitude. You may think you aren’t projecting this attitude out in the real world, but that is highly unlikely. People–both men and women–aren’t going to gravitate to that. Well..there’s that whole clicking next thing. 🙂 I guess I’ve just never really seen much of the whining with him or his posts. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/247 "2010-04-26T04:44:29Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Well, for the record, literally never was needed, thank heavens. > > I was working for an internet radio station back then as one of the managers, so I would have them call me with a broadcasting emergency. > > But - if I wanted the date to end - I’d say - “okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” > > Or if it was going well, I’d say, “can’t you get the asst. manager to take care of that?” > > But, if I wasn’t sure how it was going - I had them call back and tell me how the situation was going in a little bit. > > If I was scared, I would say something about the fact that it was an FCC violation and needed to be addressed right away. That way they knew to start more urgent plans. This is just awesome 😃 I wish we’d had cell phones when I was a young’n! ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/248 "2010-04-26T04:47:06Z")
> [@Lunchy](#): > > What if the person isn’t religious? I find that I have an obligation to say bless you, but at the same time find that me saying bless you to someone who knows im atheist feels a little awkward! How about when someone coughs, does that warrant a ‘bless you’? I’ll say thank you all day long when its needed, but a bless you won’t be coming outa my mouth anytime soon! She did say “Or some variation of” which I assume includes gesundheit. Which is German for “You just sneezed! And I noticed!” No religosity at all, so you don’t have to worry about breaking any atheist rules. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/249 "2010-04-26T13:33:07Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Guilty as charged. I have a tremendous grudge on about (at least!) two things in life: love and work. > > I can assure you the mess I’m in is nobody’s responsibility but mine. But there I tend to get stuck. For one reason or another, I learned responsibility best as _blame._ I got past beating myself up through years of therapy, but it’s the only way I know how to really, seriously, meet responsibility. I cope by keeping it at arm’s length until absolutely necessary. On one hand, you are clearly able to see that you are an active participant in your own set of problems. But on the other hand, you have a habit of blaming society for your lack of success in certain areas. I think the latter is simply an ego-sparing coping strategy to help you deal with the discomfort of acknowledging the former. This may help you get through the day, but it’s not helping you break out of what it is that is holding you back. It just gives you a handy excuse for not even trying to change. > [@](#): > > I know, and that’s why I avoid them. I guess you would advise me to continue. No, that wouldn’t be my advice. My advice would be to stop assuming that you can’t attract women because of the (supposedly unfair?) way they are socially programmed, and start considering ways you can change that will make you not only more attractive to them but also yourself. Your life isn’t carved in stone, and there’s no honor in noncomformity just for the sake of it. If you don’t _want_ to change, then learn to accept the consequences and try to make the best of it. These are your only viable options. > [@CanvasShoes](#): > > I guess I’ve just never really seen much of the whining with him or his posts. Maybe I’m just good at spotting certain patterns, because I notice it almost every time. ::shrug:: ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/250 "2010-04-26T14:09:44Z")
**you in the face** , on a high horse, much? ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/251 "2010-04-26T14:46:51Z")
> [@the lone cashew](#): > > **you in the face** , on a high horse, much? Maybe you could accuse me of getting on a high horse if the guy wasn’t practically begging for someone to slap some sense into his head already. I just did a search on his name. Here are his contributions in threads about dating, romance, or lust. In a thread asking women if they get horny, he posted: > [@BoD](#): > > So it’s not triggered by a T shirt with motor oil on it, or a look at your SO’s pay stub? In a thread about what people are looking for in a spouse, he asks: > [@BoD](#): > > Gotta ask, ladies…How much of that means “willing to share life’s burdens and contribute to life’s necessities” and how much is \*\*“willing to play the game and run the rat race so I don’t feel ashamed to be seen with him”? \*\* In a thread that asks why people rush into relationships: > [@BoD](#): > > -Socialization, both as a vehicle for it and as evidence of it. > -A confirmation of adulthood - or at least of one’s ability to play the game. > -Some assurance, however temporary, that you are not one of society’s mistakes; that you belong in the world. > -Hawt monkey luvin’ with no icky aftertastes. In a thread about the trials and tribulations of dating; > [@BoD](#): > > Thinking your personality, or anyone’s, will just naturally show through is a doubly losing proposition - first, because we are all such strangers now; second, because it ignores the game. Because we are all such strangers, the game is not just necessary; the game is all there is to most relationships. If one breaks through, it is because of the gameplaying, not in spite of it. There is a constant refrain of “women only want alpha male money-makers”, “relationships/dating is just a game”, “men can only prove their worth by being what I’m not, boo-hoo”. If **Doug** was a fat woman railing about her dating hangups in this silly manner, the board would have staged an intervention for her years ago. Now it’s pretty pathetic that I took the time to dig this up, I know, but it only took me a few minutes. I’m not singling him out for no reason. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/252 "2010-04-26T15:05:28Z")
Jesus H. What does a guy have to do to show he’s bitching and not boo-hooing? Or are you typing me based on the “unmanliness” of my beliefs? ---
**Author:** ![bearman217](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@bearman217](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bearman217)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/253 "2010-04-26T15:16:04Z")
I would just like to say that I do not have very high standards for dating people. In fact, I pretty much will take a date from any girl who asks me or accepts me. There are some things that I do not like someone that I am going out with to do. 1. Treat customer service people, such as waiters, like a personal servant. I used to serve tables and did not appreciate people griping over there being two ice cubes too many or that the view out their window wasn’t scenic enough. Major turnoff. 2. Smoking or drug use. Personally all I see is a waste of money there mixed with damaging your own health so please don’t do it. Plus, making out with a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 3. People who are on the rebound. Being “nice guy” as my friends say I get set up on dates by these friends for their other friends who are on the rebound because they “need a nice guy to show them all men aren’t scum.” Now, I have made many new friends this way, but what typically happens in these relationships is that they end up getting back together with their ex or feel they aren’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship. 4. Excessive drinking. A social drinker is fine, but that means probably only going out to drink, at most, once a week. If you are going to go drinking twice a week or more, that is also a waste of money in my eyes and it also tells me that you are so unhappy about your life that you need to escape it by drinking. 5.Someone who is either too skinny or too fat. By that I mean someone who I am afraid of breaking in half if I hug her or afraid will crush me to death. These are only the extreme cases that I am talking about though. 5. Ditzy girls are also a turnoff. I like to be able to have an intellectual conversation and not one that centers purely on shopping, clothes, and beauty treatments. 6. Someone who is intolerant of other’s beliefs. I myself am Catholic, but I hold to the belief that everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe. Don’t persecute them for believing something that you don’t. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/254 "2010-04-26T15:20:30Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Jesus H. What does a guy have to do to show he’s bitching and not boo-hooing? Not saying stuff like this… > [@](#): > > Or are you typing me based on the “unmanliness” of my beliefs? …would be a good start. Consider that the person who is most convinced of your “unmanliness” is _you_. Not society. Certainly not me. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/255 "2010-04-26T15:24:00Z")
I guess the biggest deal-breaker for me would be my wife. She’d be pissed and I probably couldn’t bring my date home to meet her or anything. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/256 "2010-04-26T15:26:30Z")
Thanks to \*\*bearman217 \*\*for putting this topic back on track. Might I suggest that \*\*you with the face \*\*and **Beware of Doug** take their conversation elsewhere? It’s getting beyond annoying. That’s not me junior modding - just making a friendly suggestion. To get back on OP - how about family/friends? Does that relate to instant deal-breakers? For example, **bearman,** you point out that you don’t like someone who is intolerant of other’s beliefs. Well, I personally am pretty laissez-faire - and believe that it’s a personal choice everyone has to make for themselves. My family, however, are highly conservative baptists and will probably witness to you at any potential gatherings, or make religious comments and criticisms. I feel that family is important and although I find their actions reproachable, I tolerate them as my family and try not to make it a drama situation - sometimes I just let their comments fly by and ignore them. Would that also be a dealbreaker for you? Being purely hypothetical of course, as I’m dating someone. But just to discuss. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/257 "2010-04-26T15:28:01Z")
> [@An\_Arky](#): > > I guess the biggest deal-breaker for me would be my wife. She’d be pissed and I probably couldn’t bring my date home to meet her or anything. 😃 You can but try … ---
**Author:** ![bearman217](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@bearman217](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bearman217)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/258 "2010-04-26T15:34:18Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Thanks to \*\*bearman217 \*\*for putting this topic back on track. > > Might I suggest that \*\*you with the face \*\*and **Beware of Doug** take their conversation elsewhere? It’s getting beyond annoying. That’s not me junior modding - just making a friendly suggestion. > > To get back on OP - how about family/friends? Does that relate to instant deal-breakers? > > For example, **bearman,** you point out that you don’t like someone who is intolerant of other’s beliefs. Well, I personally am pretty laissez-faire - and believe that it’s a personal choice everyone has to make for themselves. My family, however, are highly conservative baptists and will probably witness to you at any potential gatherings, or make religious comments and criticisms. I feel that family is important and although I find their actions reproachable, I tolerate them as my family and try not to make it a drama situation - sometimes I just let their comments fly by and ignore them. > > Would that also be a dealbreaker for you? > > Being purely hypothetical of course, as I’m dating someone. But just to discuss. What I am talking about is purely due to the person that I would be dating. I do not mind the parents or siblings of that person to be intolerant as quite a few members of my family, mostly my extended family, are intolerant themselves. This is why I don’t like intolerant people, I have had to deal with them for my entire life. It is also not a matter of not being able to ignore the comments either, I do that all the time with my family, but I don’t want to have to deal with it in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/259 "2010-04-26T15:35:23Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Not saying stuff like this… > > …would be a good start. > > Consider that the person who is most convinced of your “unmanliness” is _you_. Not society. Certainly not me. Well, that’s some small relief, then. Not that you have any right to free rent in my head outside of the SDMB of course. Still. Resentment is not unmanly or contemptible. Self-pity is both. And how do we tell the difference? Apparently not by the tone - tone is tricky online, anyway - but by the content. Resentment about being considered unmanly is an oxymoron, because a real man would either take it at face value or shrug it off entirely. So it must be self-pity. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2010, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/260 "2010-04-26T15:38:07Z")
Have you ever heard the old adage - if you want to know what your bf will be like as a husband? Look at how he treats his mom. Want to know how a woman will be as a wife? Look how she treats her dad. Also - if you want to know what your girlfriend will look like in 10 years - look at her mom. I just wonder if any of those kind of things play as dealbreakers for anyone. Or, y’know, the fact that someone you are dating has a really intolerable friend or family member that they put up with - does that become a dealbreaker? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898.md?page=14)