# Your Instant Deal-Breakers For Dating **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 1, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898 "2010-03-01T18:56:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Lok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e8c25b/32.png) [@Lok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lok)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/141 "2010-03-03T21:04:11Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I actually think that a guy who doesn’t get drunk at least once in a while would be a dealbreaker for me. I don’t mean that he has to go out and actively seek to get plastered, but sometimes you’re out with a bunch of friends and someone starts buying shots and next thing you know everyone’s linking arms and singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs (except for the few that are sleeping under the table). I don’t think I could date a guy that wouldn’t enjoy being a part of that. > [@DianaG](#): > > I feel the same way. I like to occasionally get my drunk on, and I wouldn’t want to date anyone who didn’t want to participate in that. > [@msmith537](#): > > -Doesn’t drink (I should be able to enjoy drinking wine, margharitas, martinis, mohitos, scotch, etc with you) > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > No one said anything about every weekend, but if you can’t declare triumphantly, “You know what? It’s [insert occasion here… hell, screw the occasion, it’s not required], and I’m gonna tie one on!” ever, then I don’t wanna go out with you. Guess you ladies are all off of my list. I don’t like alcohol. I have not moral or ethical problems with people drinking responsibly, but it all tastes crappy to me, so I never acquired the habit of drinking and getting smashed. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/142 "2010-03-03T21:15:19Z")
> [@Lok](#): > > Guess you ladies are all off of my list. I don’t like alcohol. I have not moral or ethical problems with people drinking responsibly, but it all tastes crappy to me, so I never acquired the habit of drinking and getting smashed. I feel similarly… I don’t drink alcohol, and so, if you need the ability to enjoy it in your partner, I’m not for you. However, I probably wouldn’t choose someone who enjoys drunkenness as an activity simply because I don’t know how to handle drunken people. I’ve no objection to being the designated driver, but I’ve never been around drunkenness much, and don’t know how to gauge when it’s time to help a friend towards the door, or have the diplomatic interpersonal skills to make it happen. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/143 "2010-03-03T21:16:20Z")
Drunkenness is totally on my list. I’ve had too many creepy men make passes at me or others when drunk. Drunk men creep me the fuck out. I’ll add one more thing: a man made a drunken pass at me and that particular thing was about inappropriate as you can get, relationship-wise. I hope that makes sense. I admit that experience has soured me on drunks forever. Just drinking I don’t have a problem with, and at this point I drink more than my SO. (Not that that’s a lot either!) But I won’t date a man I see drunk, ever. Lok, I’m not off your list yet. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![KennerTheGreat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a8b319/32.png) [@KennerTheGreat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KennerTheGreat)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/144 "2010-03-03T21:33:25Z")
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**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/145 "2010-03-03T21:44:10Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > If you ever find yourself in central PA, I need a new drinking buddy. Discovery of same being a perfectly valid occasion to tie one on. Excellent! Noted. > [@Sunspace](#): > > I feel similarly… I don’t drink alcohol, and so, if you need the ability to enjoy it in your partner, I’m not for you. > > However, I probably wouldn’t choose someone who enjoys drunkenness as an activity simply because I don’t know how to handle drunken people. I’ve no objection to being the designated driver, but I’ve never been around drunkenness much, and don’t know how to gauge when it’s time to help a friend towards the door, or have the diplomatic interpersonal skills to make it happen. Jesus Christ, there shouldn’t really be much “handling” involved. The person’s drunk, not bleeding from the head. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/146 "2010-03-03T21:48:14Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Excellent! Noted. > > Jesus Christ, there shouldn’t really be much “handling” involved. The person’s drunk, not bleeding from the head. That may be… but I simply don’t know! I haven’t had experience of it! [sub]Maybe I should…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Lok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e8c25b/32.png) [@Lok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lok)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/147 "2010-03-03T22:06:43Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Drunkenness is totally on my list. I’ve had too many creepy men make passes at me or others when drunk. Drunk men creep me the fuck out. I’ll add one more thing: a man made a drunken pass at me and that particular thing was about inappropriate as you can get, relationship-wise. I hope that makes sense. I admit that experience has soured me on drunks forever. > > Just drinking I don’t have a problem with, and at this point I drink more than **my SO**. (Not that that’s a lot either!) But I won’t date a man I see drunk, ever. > > Lok, I’m not off your list yet. 😃 Not for the drinking no, but the bolded words are another story. 😃 And it isn’t so much they are off of my list because they like to occasionally get drunk. More that I would not qualify for theirs since I don’t, so no use thinking about it. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/148 "2010-03-03T22:26:58Z")
I’m glad that my SO did not list “no roommates” on his dealbreaker list. I was living with my mom when I met him 🙂 Course, there was a reason for that - but I won’t bore you with it. I do think it’s important for a guy I date to have lived on his own, without relying on friends or family to cover his debts. But a roommate situation is not an immediate dealbreaker for me - I want to know the circumstances first and whether they consider this a long term solution. Dealbreakers for me tend to be: - lying to me - lack of geekiness - a quick/loud temper - someone whom I only click with in one or two aspects of my life. I’m not looking for a twin, but I am looking for a partner. - a Yankees fan. You don’t have to cheer for the Red Sox, but you can’t like the Yankees. - inflexible and/or indecisive. You have to be able to adjust to your surroundings. - a submissive. I’m not a slave, I don’t want a master. But I understand that in a relationship, I’m looking for someone who can be the more dominate one. I’m not looking for an overt lifestyle - just someone who can understand that. (Thank Og I’ve found that - I can’t imagine trying to find that again.) ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/149 "2010-03-03T22:54:50Z")
I’m not dating right now, but these are what they _would_ be (aside from the obvious, like no being a douchebag): [ul] [li]Current drug use. I don’t care if you smoked some weed or took ecstasy in high school or college, but I don’t wanna deal with it right now. This also applies to excessive drinking. I don’t find people in altered states fun to hang out with.[/li][li]Lack of a desire to travel far away. I like traveling. My idea of traveling isn’t going to a Motel Six fifty miles away. Nor is it going to a convention (more on that later). You might not have the _money_ to go, but you have to at least have the _desire_.[/li][li]Continual lack of a job. Right now, the economy sucks; someone might be unemployed because of that. If, however, you have a pattern of burning out, flaming out, or otherwise quitting. . .well, I don’t want to deal with that.[/li][li]Involvement in the kink/polyamory/fetish scenes. I don’t do poly. It just doesn’t work for me. As for kinks and fetishes. . .having them is fine. I might even share some of them. But, for me, they aren’t something that should be the basis of a social group or a friendship. And, on edit. . .really, it’s just that I can’t conceive of a reason to share this information with people IRL that doesn’t boil down to “I want to fuck them.” That’s probably my hang up, but, yanno what, I don’t have to be rational. There’s no fairness doctrine when it comes to who I’d wanna date.[/li][li]Continual lack of a sex drive. I’ve been in a once-a-month relationship. To put it mildly, it doesn’t match mine. It also makes me incredibly insecure. Note that this doesn’t have to mean intercourse, which brings me to…[/li][li]Refusal to occasionally participate in text-based naughtiness. Seriously. That does it for me better than almost anything else. If you’re not willing or able to do it, that betrays either an inability or a lack of desire to fulfill my needs. Of course, this would have to be much later into any relationship.[/li][li]Excessive involvement in fandom. This is incredibly hard, because I’m a geek. I like to game, I like to watch sci-fi shows, I read sci-fi and fantasy, I love sci-fi movies, I play WoW (well, I just started), love Joss Whedon, watched anime…all of that. Those things are fun. But things like cosplaying and cons and fan worship and the like are just not my cuppa. I enjoy the geek stuff; I don’t worship it. Note–the occasional convention is fine. But if vacation is being planned around A-Cen, GenCon and Wizard World, then we need to talk.[/li][li]No obsession with computers that have been obsolete since I was in grade school. Personal reasons.[/li][li]If you call me, and I don’t answer my phone, and you don’t leave me a message but instead proceed to call me every five minutes until I do pick up, and the reason isn’t something like “my mom just died” or “Biff Tannen just gave me tonight’s winning lottery numbers and you have to buy a ticket!” or “you lying cheating bitch, I know what you did with the pool boy,” then the relationship will be ending shortly. If I’m not answering my phone, then I have a good reason–or, rather, I have a reason that, good or not, is not going to be resolved by calling again five minutes later.[/li][/ul] Of course, I’m not dating, so the above is all academic. Still… ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/150 "2010-03-03T23:34:49Z")
I don’t date but if I did I would probably rule out: \*Coffee or tea drinkers. Occasional, I could deal with… maybe. \*Smokers that didn’t have quite a bit of control over thier habit. That is, able to go reasonable amounts of time without smoking and not smoking in places where it will clearly annoy people. Also willing to forego smoking in my house or vehicle. \*Can’t put the phone (cell or otherwise) away for a while. \*Having different ideas than I about the place of animals in the home. \*Political conservatives if they believe that the other side is stupid or anti-American. If they acknowledge liberals can have good intentions, be patriotic and are simply wrong…that I could probably deal with. \*Insisting I need to go to thier (or any) church. Simply being a member of some religions would be a deal breaker. \*Being pouty or expecting me to know what they want or why they’re pissed off without telling me. \*Anyone that is thin skinned or seems likely to hold grudges. In real life I’m sarcastic, cynical and prone to good natured (imho) teasing. Went out for a while with a girl that had issues with that and it ended badly. \*Didn’t drink at all. \*Uses “hard” drugs. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/151 "2010-03-04T00:05:32Z")
I have left bitches at the restaurant that started texting a lot. And the cell phone thing. I hate being in relationships almost as much as I hate being single. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/152 "2010-03-04T00:15:46Z")
::blinks:: Coffee drinkers? Really? ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/153 "2010-03-04T00:17:46Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > ::blinks:: > Coffee drinkers? Really? Yeah, that was my reaction. Then I thought, OK, they must be Mormon. Then I got to the bit about having any religion being a dealbreaker. And now I’m just 😕😕 ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/154 "2010-03-04T00:42:11Z")
Yeah, i’m all for not apologizing for your standards but no coffee or tea? That’s cutting out a large percentage of the population… ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/155 "2010-03-04T01:05:02Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > No car or license. Dude, you need to drive. I don’t care _what_ you drive, but you need to drive _something_. > [@Perciful](#): > > For me it would be not having their own place, car, job, right off the bat. I’m not a kid so guys my age should have these things. I’m curious - does this apply to fellows in big cities as well? I’ve lived in or around DC for several years now - I’ve never needed, or wanted, a car. If I do need wheels, I can use zipcar. I’m obviously biased here, but I don’t believe car ownership is the sine qua non of independence in a city with good public transit. ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/156 "2010-03-04T01:16:47Z")
> [@Oni no Maggie](#): > > Yeah, that was my reaction. Then I thought, OK, they must be Mormon. Then I got to the bit about having any religion being a dealbreaker. > > And now I’m just 😕😕 To clarify I said “Simply being a member of some religions would be a deal breaker”. Not any religion but, for example, Scientology…deal breaker. Mormon? That would take some serious discussion to accept in an SO. I just don’t like the smell of coffee or tea, I just really have a bad reaction to it, especially when it’s heating in the morning. I dated someone who made a lifestyle out of “gettin’ coffee” and tried to convert me. Scarred me for life. 😉 Now… if they joined me in a 7:00a.m. Mountain Dew… I’d marry her 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/157 "2010-03-04T01:48:50Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I \*have \*noticed this, and my take on it is that men that are insecure are not comfortable with other men. They find other men threatening and they feel like losers around them, never being the alpha male because their insecurities are self-fulfilling prophecies. So they hang out with women, but of course, very few of those women see them as mate material. Respectfully, I’d like to point something out on this. Most of my friends are women - but it isn’t because I’m intimidated by other dudes, it just worked out that way. A lot of my activities in law school and college - model UN, law clinics, College Democrats, and so on - had majority-female memberships, or were led by women. Whom I made friends with, because they were smart, dedicated people who shared my interests. Of course, I understand that you’re not saying _all_ men whose friends are mostly women are intimidated by their fellow dudes, merely that intimidation by other dudes is one route that can lead to having mostly female friends. Which is probably true - certainly makes sense. But it isn’t the only way that can happen. > [@Oni no Maggie](#): > > Attesting to this in 'frisco proper. _Lawyers_ have roommates, there. Same in DC. 🙂 > [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I actually think that a guy who doesn’t get drunk at least once in a while would be a dealbreaker for me. I don’t mean that he has to go out and actively seek to get plastered, but sometimes you’re out with a bunch of friends and someone starts buying shots and next thing you know everyone’s linking arms and singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs (except for the few that are sleeping under the table). I don’t think I could date a guy that wouldn’t enjoy being a part of that. > > Or maybe I just hang out with the wrong type of people. I’M JUST A LITTLE SILHOUETTO OF A MAN - Er. Sorry. That just came out. Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the fandango? As for myself - I’ll join the folks who say intellectual curiosity is absolutely essential. I’d add to it, though, that a genuine _joy_ in ideas is something I find extremely attractive. Someone who can toss ideas back and forth - religion, politics, whatever - simply for the joy of it, without feeling threatened or personally attacked - a person like that is a pleasure to hang with. Someone who, when you ask them, “Well, _why_ do/did you like Bush” clams up, and says “it’s just what I believe” - that’s not for me. Thunderbolts and lightening, very very frightening - me! Sorry, I’ll stop now. ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/158 "2010-03-04T03:09:47Z")
Smoker - I won’t even consider one at this point. I quit 3 years ago and it physically huts to be around smoke now - my sinuses will scream at me all day. Not nice to people - wait staff/service workers/etc. I’m not saying he has to fall over himself to be extra nice to them, but they’re humans and should be treated as such. Don’t make fun of my job - oh, I’ve heard all the librarian jokes, and that’s ok. But I’ve had people push them beyond what’s “haha, I’ve head that before” to another level. I worked had to get to where I am, I enjoy my job and I believe it is meaningful, even today. (this could tie in with a basic “not openly an asshole” rule.) I can’t think of other specific things that immediately make me say **bzzzt! you’re out!** without a second chance. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/159 "2010-03-04T03:40:01Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I \*have \*noticed this, and my take on it is that men that are insecure are not comfortable with other men. They find other men threatening and they feel like losers around them, never being the alpha male because their insecurities are self-fulfilling prophecies. So they hang out with women, but of course, very few of those women see them as mate material. > [@Baby\_Driver](#): > > If they say they have low self-esteem, and proceed to provide evidence in support of this throughout the evening (talking about how bad they are at X, Y, and Z, relating stories about exes that left them, fishing for sympathy from me.) I react badly to the phrase “low self-esteem”. To me, it’s synonymous with “bottomless emotional pit”. But I’ll trying giving the date a chance even after they use that phrase, just in case they’re not very good with words. They could be rocking under all the nervousness. > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Or worse, they act like they have great self-esteem, and must tell you how great they are at this and that and how this one time they did this and then that other time blah blah blah but it’s all really just a cover-up for low self-esteem. I’d much rather they come right out and tell me they have low self-esteem than act like that. > [@astro](#): > > 3: Low self esteem - sad sacks who constantly and reflexively deprecate themselves = bottomless pits of emotional neediness - been there and no thanks And this is why I avoid dating altogether. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2010, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898/160 "2010-03-04T03:54:11Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > That may be… but I simply don’t know! I haven’t had experience of it! > > [sub]Maybe I should…[/sub] One guy to another–if they need handling beyond a designated driver and occasionally laughing at jokes that aren’t quite funny, then they’re tying too much of one on. The kinda folks we’re talking about here can handle the amount they drink, and don’t go past that. Now, granted, some of us know we can drink a LOT and will end up plopping ourselves in a chair and telling retarded jokes but that doesn’t necessitate “handling”. =P [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-instant-deal-breakers-for-dating/530898.md?page=9)