# Your lover reveals a hidden fortune, then asks you to sign a pre-nup. Do you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 5, 2010, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283 "2010-08-05T16:07:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/21 "2010-08-05T17:08:17Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > I said I would sign and I don’t see this as a betrayal to not mention. I think at a lot of people who grow up with money get used to being liked for their money first and themselves second. From the OP this is someone who has made a radical change to their life on their own, and after coming to know and trust me is now willing to share that knowledge. Hey from my perspective I fell in love with someone who had nothing and the prenup doesn’t change that. > > We would definitely have a long conversation about trust and keeping things back but it would come from a perspective of understanding why they made the choice to hold back up to this point but if we are now saying we trust enough to get married there are no more secrets. I think I’m in this boat. I have no issues with a prenup. I would be a bit leery of a secret of this magnitude, but the nature of the secret makes it something that doesn’t really worry me. And while I wouldn’t get involved with someone who lived the life of a wealthy heir, if this person really is living within his means as a working stiff, I would feel pretty good about it. The safety net would be a plus. I have no issues with the cheating condition, and I certainly don’t think I should get rich through marrying someone rich. So yeah, barring me feeling like this specific person is untrustworthy, I’d sign. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/22 "2010-08-05T17:10:59Z")
I would think about it for a long time, including everything I knew about this person, and then most likely sign it. I think prenups are a good thing, mostly. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/23 "2010-08-05T17:11:03Z")
Female here and I’d sign the pre-nup. As others have noted I would be in love with the person not their money and likely pleased to live modestly either way. I think I would be quite surprised that I hadn’t been told prior and knowing myself, if we were to divorce (with exception of any child support) - I’d tell him to keep his damned $1,000,000. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/24 "2010-08-05T17:17:15Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Just a nitpick, but where does the lying come in to it? You have not previously been told, but your lover hasn’t lied to you. I suppose you could say the lover misrepresented him/herself. So not an active lie, but still… Nevertheless, I took the spirit of the OP to mean you suddenly discover your lover is wealthy. So if the OP had said: “As wedding plans are underway, your lover suddenly inherits millions from long lost uncle, Richie Rich. He/she wants you to sign a pre-nup…” That seems to be what the OP is about and not so much about deception. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/25 "2010-08-05T17:20:44Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > > [@Quartz](#): > > > > Just a nitpick, but where does the lying come in to it? You have not previously been told, but your lover hasn’t lied to you. > > I suppose you could say the lover misrepresented him/herself. So not an active lie, but still… > > Nevertheless, I took the spirit of the OP to mean you suddenly discover your lover is wealthy. So if the OP had said: “As wedding plans are underway, your lover suddenly inherits millions from long lost uncle, Richie Rich. He/she wants you to sign a pre-nup…” > > That seems to be what the OP is about and not so much about deception. Maybe for the OP, but for me, this changes my answer! ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/26 "2010-08-05T17:21:34Z")
I’d have to think about it. I have no issues with pre-nups and generally think they’re a good idea when something big is involved, like a large sum of money or heirlooms coming from one spouse’s family. I’d have to think about it because that’s a pretty big thing to deliberately hide. I can understand not mentioning it on the first date to avoid attracting someone just after your money, but I’d be wondering how long they were going to keep it a secret if we weren’t getting married yet and bringing legalities into the relationship. If not for the marriage, would they **ever** have told me? What else are they hiding? So, I wouldn’t necessarily break things off, but we would have to have a long talk and maybe some time to mentally adjust before I’d be comfortable moving forward. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/27 "2010-08-05T17:25:21Z")
Being me, I’d probably correct a couple of things first–ie, the clause about getting nothing for infidelity is probably not enforceable in my state. Anything acquired by the parties during the marriage is going to be subject to equitable division, regardless of marital fault. However, a Court may consider marital fault in determining what percentage of marital property to award to each party. Also, the pre-nup here isn’t really necessary, so long as the spouse avoids co-mingling her personal assets with marital property. Finally, depending on the how the trust is structured, those assets may not be reachable in a divorce, anyway. That said, sure, I’ll sign a pre-nup. Was probably going to prepare one myself, anyway. There are some family assets that will eventually be mine (not in a trust, either), and a pre-nup is an extra layer of defense of those assets. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/28 "2010-08-05T17:26:11Z")
If he hadn’t brought up the pre-nup and a disclosure of assets, I would have. Those terms sound more than fair - although I agree that I’d want something in there about children. And I don’t blame him for deliberately hiding “I’m filthy rich” until after we decided to pursue marriage. The last thing you want is someone marrying you simply because you are rich - and that is a big concern if you have a lot of money. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/29 "2010-08-05T17:26:43Z")
Good grief - if I ever met anyone who was _that_ perfect for me, who I could be _that_ happy with, I can’t imagine even blinking. Heck, I’d sign a prenup that said I’d get nothing at all if we divorced under any circumstances at all. I’ve always planned to make my own way through life - why should marrying a rich woman change that? As for the bit about being “deceived” while we dated - eh, I don’t see it that way. So she didn’t tell me everything there was to know about her life - what of it? I have friends who’ve known me for many, many years who don’t know important things about my life. Everyone’s got things they play close to the vest - it’s totally understandable that this would be one of hers, and I’d be glad she’d come to trust me enough to tell me about it. The scenario the OP posits is pretty much pure, distilled happiness - I really can’t imagine prenup terms that would make me walk away. Perhaps if the prenup imposed onerous financial obligations on _me_ in the event of even a no-fault divorce - but I can’t imagine falling for someone with that much of a vindictive streak. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/30 "2010-08-05T17:29:07Z")
I don’t think I’d ever sign a pre-nup (or any contract) without blinking, but that’s the closest response you had in your poll. It wouldn’t require a lot of deep thought. I don’t believe I’m automatically entitled to anyone’s money who would not give that money freely, and there isn’t anything about the pre-nup terms you’ve defined that gives me pause. I mean, hell – as written, I basically can get a million dollars just for having fallen in love with the right person. I see no issues, here. The wedding goes forward. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/31 "2010-08-05T17:37:35Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Being me, I’d probably correct a couple of things first–ie, the clause about getting nothing for infidelity is probably not enforceable in my state. Anything acquired by the parties during the marriage is going to be subject to equitable division, regardless of marital fault. However, a Court may consider marital fault in determining what percentage of marital property to award to each party. > > Also, the pre-nup here isn’t really necessary, so long as the spouse avoids co-mingling her personal assets with marital property. A factual question here, **Oak**. Let’s take it as a given that the rich partner here has never touched the trust fund as an adult, except to sign over his benefit once a year to the Fund for Struggling Victims of War, Famine, and Reality Television charity, and intends to do so in the future. What would be necessary for him or her to mingle the personal assets with marital property? > [@](#): > > Finally, depending on the how the trust is structured, those assets may not be reachable in a divorce, anyway. > > That said, sure, I’ll sign a pre-nup. Was probably going to prepare one myself, anyway. There are some family assets that will eventually be mine (not in a trust, either), and a pre-nup is an extra layer of defense of those assets. I assume this is hypothetical except in the case of Willow Rosenberg, no? Because according to your file, Oak rolls alone. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/32 "2010-08-05T17:38:37Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > > > It would be very weird. Did she never talk about her family, or growing up, or reveal a casual acquaintance with various foreign parts that she’d traveled to as a tourist as a child, or the mechanics of a household with more than one servant? No notion of going to an elite private school or never having to worry about paying off college loans? > > > > Not meeting the parents (in over a year) would be odd. Not knowing a thing about them would be doubly odd. I could imagine getting along with someone under those circumstances, but. Weird. > > I gave serious thought to never introducing my then-girlfriend-now-wife to the family before we married. > > If you asked your lover, before the engagement, about his or his parents, and was told, “You know something? I hate my family. I don’t mean I don’t want to be around them at holidays. I mean I despise them and their values and what they did to me while growing up, and even talking about them gives me hives. Please don’t make me talk about them,” would you have accepted that? I think it’s still likely this wouldn’t have come completely out of the blue; I’d still have had some clue that she came from a fairly well-off background, though not necessarily Old Money levels of wealth. And, yeah, I’d have been able to deal with it. (I selected “wouldn’t blink”, though the infidelity clause (already addressed)would have given me pause.) I actually did have a serious crush for a while on a woman who was an heiress to a family fortune you would have heard of. Wouldn’t have guessed it, but she told me at one point; she was surprised to learn I wasn’t a trustafarian. Anyway, never went anywhere - I didn’t push it in any case because I could damn well tell that it would have been a disaster for a number of reasons. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/33 "2010-08-05T17:48:25Z")
I think pre-nups are a good idea. At the time of marriage, 90% of couples say there is “no possibility” that they will divorce. Of course, we all know it doesn’t work out like that. Love makes you dumb, but it doesn’t have to make you broke, too. I think people who say that pre-nups are “unromantic” or “don’t show trust” are like those people who won’t sign their organ donor card because they don’t want to think about death. I wouldn’t be bothered by the “deception,” as it didn’t involve lying and there are some pretty sound reasons for wanting to keep the money on the down low until things got more serious. The amount of money i could get also wouldn’t bother me. It’s not my money, I didn’t earn it, and I don’t expect to get it. Indeed, I think one million dollars and five years is pretty generous. The problem, though, would be the infidelity clause. I’m not a cheater, but it seems to smack of really old-fashioned misogyny to me. It’d make me feel like property or a servent or something. ---
**Author:** ![lexi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lexi/32/6806_2.png) [@lexi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lexi)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/34 "2010-08-05T17:50:33Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > > [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](#): > > > > This would be the end of our relationship because _he spent our entire dating life lying to me_. > > Just a nitpick, but where does the lying come in to it? You have not previously been told, but your lover hasn’t lied to you. To me this is a lie of omission - and because of that I would have serious doubts about whether or not I should even marry, never mind sign. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/35 "2010-08-05T17:51:37Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Vihaga](#): > > > > The infidelity clause would stop me from signing, though. He’s trying to use money to assure my faithfulness, while providing no similar guarantee to me? I’d rather not be with someone like that, thanks. > > Suppose you share this with your lover, and he says, “You know, you’re right. Sorry, I should have thought of that; I just went to the lawyer who admnisters the trust and asked him to draw me up a pre-nup, and I don’t know him all that well. Anyway, would you rather add on a mirror clause invalidating the pre-nup if I cheat, or remove the infidelity clause entirely? Either is fine with me.” > > Are you still vexed? Nope, I’d sign it then because it’s only five years. If there were no time limit or restricted how inheritance would work, I’d have to think about it more, but five years to me seems like it’s just “making sure she’s not just saying yes to milk me for all I’m worth” time. I might want to add a clause specifying that any assets I bring into the marriage that would pop it up above a million would be split equally, but only if I’m on the verge of having something patented. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/36 "2010-08-05T18:10:20Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I gave serious thought to never introducing my then-girlfriend-now-wife to the family before we married. Hey Congratulations! So did you remarry another lady or did you get back together with the woman who left you last August? > **[my wife is leaving](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=527029)** > > she says she can’t be unequally yoked to an unbeliever. she didn’t used to be this way. but after her depressive breakdown earlier this year when she was so miserable and nothing seemed to help she found jesus again. it was the church,it was jses... ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/37 "2010-08-05T18:12:35Z")
> [@Tahssa](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > I gave serious thought to never introducing my then-girlfriend-now-wife to the family before we married. > > Hey Congratulations! So did you remarry another lady or did you get back together with the woman who left you last August? > > [my wife is leaving - Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=527029) We got back together. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/38 "2010-08-05T18:15:48Z")
I would sign it without a second guess. It’s a girl I’m crazy about. What’s more, she’s filthy stinking rich, meaning we can live in comfort for the rest of our lives. Then, if we break up in the future I get a million dollars? Jackpot. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/39 "2010-08-05T18:21:56Z")
Assuming we still ended up wanting to marry after this last-minute bombshell, I’d insist on a pre-nup stating I wanted no part of his money at all in the case of a divorce, so long as he continued to live on the proceeds of his regular job, except in the case of children, who would be entitled to a trust fund and adequate child support. Oh, and in exchange for me leaving him his $1M he pays any debts we have incurred together (I take my own). As long as I can work and support myself, I will and when relationships in the past have gone sour, I have always preferred to walk away with what I brought in and nothing more. Who wants all the physical baggage along with the emotional? ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2010, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283/40 "2010-08-05T18:45:51Z")
I think pre-nups can be a good thing but I wouldn’t sign this one only because I would wonder what other huge thing he was hiding from me. Even if he changed his mind and said “oh ok, we can still get married with out the pre-nup” I still wouldn’t marry him. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-reveals-a-hidden-fortune-then-asks-you-to-sign-a-pre-nup-do-you/549283.md?page=3)