# Your lover tells you he/she is a murderer. What do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 12, 2007, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353 "2007-08-12T16:55:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2007, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353/21 "2007-08-12T22:52:33Z")
I’ve known and been friends with murderers and killers during my long and interesting life. In your specific scenario/crime, the only problem I would have would be D. That is no life to live, always looking over your shoulder. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2007, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353/22 "2007-08-12T23:33:22Z")
[QUOTE=Zoggie] I’ll save you a seat in the handbasket. Yes, I did think of that–not a parent. But well, you know, parents have that a different mentality. They’re mature and such. I don’t think I could date someone who’s got a child. Even if it’s a dead child. [/QUOTE] That’s my response, too - the having a child at some point in their life is more of a dealbreaker than the murder thing. If it was murder over something else, I’d have to see the scenarios for that. I’d probably dump them, though - I’m pretty firm on my stance about not killing. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2007, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353/23 "2007-08-13T02:53:45Z")
Two months in I’m not really sure I’m ready for something this “deep” yet. Maybe if we were _really_ hitting it off, but at two months in I’d be really worried about the emotional baggage, at least with A and B. C and D are a totally different ballgame. For better or worse I have a very strong sense of right and wrong, and a strong belief in justice. I couldn’t date/marry someone who had committed a murder and had gotten away with it, or was a current fugitive from the law. In fact, I would feel morally and ethically bound to immediately report them to the police. This would be true even if it was someone I had been dating for five years and they sprung C or D on me, it’d be true if it was one of my siblings. A and B, if it comes out at some point that this happened, and I had been with the person for a _long time_, we were in a deeply serious relationship, and I genuinely loved/cared for them AND it seemed like they were “adjusted and emotionally okay” then it’d be just a part of their past and I’d be okay with it. Not everyone has a perfect past. I don’t think it is “right” to kill someone in cold blood no matter what, even if they have killed your child. However I can recognize that emotions are very, very strong, and someone taking a child away from you and then getting “off” in court on a technicality could send even many normal people into a murderous rage. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2007, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353/24 "2007-08-13T03:07:45Z")
A redirect question: For all posters who’ve said that two months is too early for this kind of revelation, how would you feel being told the same revelation at six months, after having asked the person to consider a long-term relationship, perhaps even marriage? I know I’d feel worse about things if the situation got that far along without the person giving me some kind of warning about the potential land mine, than I’d feel about getting hit with too much too soon at two months. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2007, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353/25 "2007-08-13T03:08:35Z")
“Heck… In 1989 I offed a guy. No problem.” ---
**Author:** ![Reepicheep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@Reepicheep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reepicheep)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2007, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353/26 "2007-08-13T04:20:41Z")
A and B no problem whatsoever, I would tend to sympathize a little more especially on the anniversary of the death. This shows my lack of morality vs. the rest of the board, but I have not only have no problem with C, but I admit admiration for someone who could both plan and execute that kind of revenge. However, being hit with this only two months into the relationship might be a deal breaker. 2 months is not really long enough to tell if someone is playing you (especially in courtship). Someone with the ability to both plan and execute an execution IS dangerous – and I would want more time to know him to judge if he would be dangerous to me. Showing not only my lack of conventional morality but also my selfishness, D does give me pause, if only because living on the run, while looking fun in movies, is no way to live in real life. If he is living under an assumed name, how did he procure the necessary documentation? Again, this shows that the man is dangerous, and I would need much more time to know him to feel comfortable in any but a mild friendship. On **OtakuLoki** redirect question C would not be a problem for me in 6 months. I would have been able to really form an opinion of him as a person. On D, after 6 months, I would have a better idea of his stability. How good is the documentation that he is using to live? I would both know him better and know his style of life better. Very much would depend on if I thought the two of us are really in love and that this relationship would go to marriage. If that is the case then it is just a case of dealing with the baggage that the person I love is carrying. I have my own baggage that he would be dealing with. ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2007, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353/27 "2007-08-13T11:27:21Z")
I’m outta there in all cases. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-lover-tells-you-he-she-is-a-murderer-what-do-you-do/415353.md?page=1)