# Your Onion Headlines Feb 2011 edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745 "2011-02-09T10:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/1 "2011-02-09T10:10:16Z")
**Area Man Not Gushing Over iPhone** _Says man, “It’s better than my radio…I suppose.”_ **Wisconsin Almost Ready to Accept Brett Farve’s Replacement** _Says Wisconsin: “If he can win 18 more Superbowls…we’ll see.”_ **Kobe Clings to Illusion of Self-Sufficiency** _“I don’t need Shaq” insists Laker superstar as rumors of addition of another cheap superstar to add to Pau Gasol swirl._ **iPhone 5 to Include Death Ray, New Stylus** _“We’re really proud of that stylus,” says Steve Jobs._ **Disney Ponders Supervillain Status** _Will re-release Cinderella for “a meeeeellllioooon dollars”_ ---
**Author:** ![fiddlesticks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddlesticks/32/18129_2.png) [@fiddlesticks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fiddlesticks)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/2 "2011-02-09T16:11:44Z")
**IBM’s Watson Computer to Compete on Survivor** _Watson to attempt ‘under the radar’ strategy, says IBM programmer._ ---
**Author:** ![Jayrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Jayrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayrot)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/3 "2011-02-09T22:17:53Z")
**Yemeni Protesters Take Notes from Egypt** _In effort to capture world’s attention, enlist camels riders with bread helmets_ ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/4 "2011-02-09T22:24:54Z")
**Friendster still online!** _Myspace, too_ ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/5 "2011-02-09T22:44:32Z")
**New Webcomic to Focus on College Friends and Elves** \*\* Desperate Local Man Watches Soccer\*\* **Metaphorical Maxim About Horses Interpreted Literally for Comic Effect** **Blues Singer Acknowledges Problems with his Woman** ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/6 "2011-02-09T23:22:01Z")
**Egyptians Riot Over Lack of Facebook Access** _farmville withdrawal blamed for early 2011 tragedies_ ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/7 "2011-02-09T23:52:38Z")
**Sasquatch family eats first Texan** _“Wow! We’d never thought we’d ever get this far south but, you know, the weather’s great this year”_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/8 "2011-02-10T02:06:21Z")
**Fantasy Football League Meeting Erupts in Violence, 7 Dead** _Shooter cites vetoed trades, late fees, and backroom deals as instigating factors._ **God Wants Superbowl Winners to "Leave Him the Fuck Alone"** _“Look, I only watch sumo, OK?” says God._ **Area Wife Catches Spouse Washing Dishes** _Doctors expect her to die overnight after a simultaneous heart attack and stroke._ **Area Man Catches Wife Installing iPhone App By Herself** _“She doesn’t need me anymore,” sobs man._ ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/9 "2011-02-10T13:14:54Z")
\*\*Street Magician Knows “Damn Well” Your Card is 8 of Spades Area Woman’s Texted Claim of “LOL” Questioned\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/10 "2011-02-10T17:59:43Z")
**State Department Now Officially Concerned About Everything “No Exceptions,” Admits Third Undersecretary for Administrative Admitting** ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/11 "2011-02-10T19:41:40Z")
**Messageboard Lurker Hesitates to Contribute to Discussion** _“These people are so clever, I’d probably just kill the thread.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/12 "2011-02-10T20:08:21Z")
**Facebook Launches Plantationville** _Buy and sell virtual slaves and cotton to build nice cartoon houses… “Offensive” say real housebuilders_ **Muslim Brotherhood More Popular in Egypt than Mubarak** _“Bros Before Hosni” more than just a phrase_ **Opinion Poll on Americans Attitude Toward Prince William’s Upcoming Marriage** _14% Fascinated, 39% Whoop-de-Shit, 30% Who Gives a Fuck, and 17% Why Can’t He Marry a Nice Movie Star Like the guy who did Princess Grace?_ **MTV’s Skins and GLEE to have crossover Orgy** _“I’m really excited about this” says actor who plays Mr. Figgins_ **79 Unseen Episodes of Three’s Company Found** _“I swear to God we never made those… and we never had a landlord played by Peter Lorre, he was dead!” screams hysterical Joyce DeWitt_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/13 "2011-02-10T20:15:18Z")
**Glenn Beck Solves Graumann’s Equation Accidentally on his Whiteboard** _Argument about how Democrats are responsible for 9/11 answers 300 year old riddle._ **BJ’s a Cure for Acne and Causes Weight Loss** _Paper by Dr. PhiBeta Kappa mysteriously stained with beer._ **George W. Bush Somehow to Blame, Again** _New CIA documents record how the former President’s screw-up in 2001 caused riots in Egypt_ **Area Man Decides New Web Comic will be "My Ticket Out of this Shithole"** _Has no intention of learning how to draw but thinks it won’t matter_ **Area Man Opens Facebook Account for the First Time** _“Welcome to the 20th century, jackass” reads first message._ ---
**Author:** ![soulmurk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@soulmurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulmurk)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/14 "2011-02-10T20:36:11Z")
**Linden Labs to launch Third Life, the worlds first in-game game** _Users complained that Second Life was getting too real_ **NASA announces plans to launch largest space shuttle ever by December 2012** _Says spokesperson, “At the absolute latest”_ **Local man conquers France in family game of Risk with triple sixes** _Sarkozy acquiesces; steps down_ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/15 "2011-02-10T20:37:58Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > **Glenn Beck Solves Graumann’s Equation Accidentally on his Whiteboard** > _Argument about how Democrats are responsible for 9/11 answers 300 year old riddle._ **Glenn Beck Mystery Solved** _The Writings on the Board that Made Sense and Were Factually Correct Left By Orphan Prodigy Working as Janitor in Studio_ **Obama’s Promise their First Born Daughter to Man Who Can Complete Various Labors (e.g. Fix the Economy, Pay Off the Deficit, Exorcise Ann Coulter and Slay Osama bin Laden)** **Kardashians Run For their Lives From Mob of Russian Revolution Reenactors** _“Slow Down Girls!” Screams Bruce Jenner_ ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/16 "2011-02-10T20:57:54Z")
\*\*Repressed Gay Man Really, Really into Scouting Betty White All Up in Mubarak’s Grill Ben Stein Quelled\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/17 "2011-02-10T21:58:19Z")
**Remains of Jimmy Hoffa found in the last place we looked** **Breat Riots Form Outside of Magnolia Bakery** **Three former American Idol and four former Real World stars to appear in new gritty street reality show, "Who Wants a Handjob?"** ---
**Author:** ![fiddlesticks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddlesticks/32/18129_2.png) [@fiddlesticks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fiddlesticks)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/18 "2011-02-10T22:11:02Z")
**Area Man Eats Snickers, Remains a Whiny-ass Diva** _I’m still dying back here, man claims._ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/19 "2011-02-10T22:15:41Z")
**Exclusive Interview With German Zeitgeist** Excerpt: _“We haven’t invaded France in 70 years and we’re proud, but it’s really really hard… even after all this time sometimes the urge is almost overwhelming, but we take it day by day”._ **Log Cabin Republican Leader Caught in Straight Sex Scandal** _“On my oath I thought she was a drag queen!”_ **History Channel Unveils New Fall Lineup** _ **When Fish Kill** _, _ **Canadian Garbage Men** _, _ **Junkie Nuns Behind Bars** _, and \*\*\*Untitled John Edward Nostradamus Project \*\*\*expected to be biggest ratings getters ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/20 "2011-02-10T22:44:37Z")
**MPAA, RIAA Announce Bounty on CDs, DVDs, Tapes** _“Sell Now or We Sue Later,” Consumers Warned_ **Grill Justice Kagan Over Discovery of Secret Boyfriend** _Gay Supporters “Disillusioned”; Straights “Glad She’s Out”_ **Area Man Holds Principal Hostage in Bullying Dispute** _Son Just Wanted Classmate to “Man Up”; Claims School “Coddling”_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=2)